Very Sad and Missing Her ~

[outside9x]

Hi,

Just wanted some advice, or support.  Feeling really bad and missing my GF of 2 years.  

I dated a seductive and attractive BPD before her for over 2 yrs, which was quite destructive, and though I am over her, I still have thoughts , now and Then.

Anyway, I think all the push and pull, and the emotions I had with the BPD, thinking I was in love, or better said, that what real love was really was, all this emotional feeling and sex etc, that when I finally met someone pretty and healthy,  I would not feel anything after awhile and went so far as not even ask her on vacations etc.  We have had several breakups, (Familiar) since I didn't feel these big emotions, and of course, missing her, always made me cry and want her back. (Familiar again.)  I was always kind to her, never yelled, we got along just find, and she is wonderful.  Always told her how pretty she was, but seldom said I loved her.  

Finally, after not wanting to have sex (Oh it can't be love because I am not feeling that emotions) I decided, in fairness to her and me, to just end it.  

I just told her, I wasn't feeling it, and she said do you want to end the relationship?  I hesitated but said yes, since I was feeling to end things anyway was being fair to her.  But I also felt happy with her many times.  So this was really confusing, but I felt, if I was happy, I wouldn't feel this way, and why go on.

So, now I realize not only what the push and pull is doing, but what it has done to my emotions, etc.  In other words, if I am not feeling all excited by her, then it can't be love, and I am not feeling love.  So wrong.

Right now, I want her back, but realize, even knowing this, I will really need to work on this, and need counseling, to even have a chance to have her, or any normal relationships.  I am so sad now.  Why couldn't I see this all?

Any thoughts, comments, etc, would really help.  I feel so terrible inside, and miss her so so much!  She deserve love and devotion she is such a wonderful girl.  No, I never cheated on her, or lied.

Thanks

[Vatz]

I'm in a similar situation. Been together 5 years, broke up over a gear ago. Been NC since July 4, 2014.

I still miss her and often wish it never ended.

I'm not sure if this will help you but here's my take, and why I resolve to maintain NC for as long as I live.

There's no going back. She either has someone new, or just plain wouldn't have me. I wasn't always happy and she often triggered my self esteem issues and anxiety. I wasn't entirely sane when I was with her. Its like losing a limb. You ain't getting it back, it'll itch even though its no longer there but its gone for good. You have literally no choice but to get used to it and adapt to your new situation. Just keep moving.

[outside9x]

HI Vatz,

I do know that feeling, and the pain.  My problem isn't wanting the BPDex back though.  My problem stems from being in that push and pull hell, in their grasp which releases all these chemicals that made you so much into them, that even though you know you shouldn't be there, you are.

No, my problem is I met a real nice girl, and I guess those old vibes (not missing the exBPDGF) of needed that high excitement and thrill is not there with the healthy one that is normal .  SO, not feeling these pangs of misguided love, I felt I didn't love her, but I feel now, that's not true. 

I made "LOVE" out to be this huge wanting and needing that I had with the BPDgf which was not really love anyway.

SO, the affects , or the drug, got me thinking that if I don't feel the same way, then I must not be in love.   SO, I let her go, and this happened a few times.  I just recognizing it now.

DO not contact your BPDgf.  I know that's hard to do, but it's really for your best interest.  Also, seek counseling, since at some point, you hopeful seek out a healthy, normal relationship, and compare to the ones we had, it might seem a bit boring, at first, but as I am learning, you need to refocus on what real love is.

In if you fall, get back to no contact.  Its the only thing that can save you.  Thanks for replying !

[Lucky Jim]

Hey outside9x, It sounds like you are addicted, so-to-speak, to the drama of a BPD r/s.  The weird thing about a BPD r/s is that the push-pull intensity becomes the new normal, so I understand your quandary.  How do things stand with your former (nonBPD) new GF?  What would happen if you spoke to her honestly about your feelings?  As long as you are being authentic, then I don't see a downside to such a discussion.  I have a new GF and I guess you could say that my new r/s lacks the excitement of previous r/s with BPDxW.  On the other hand, I don't miss the turmoil.  The price was too high for me.  Now I like a stable r/s based on kindness and consideration.

LuckyJim

[outside9x]

Hi LuckyJim,

No I don't miss the drama, raging etc at all.  But there another side to that BPD venom, and yeah, it's that other excitement and I think, I started to rate my affections base on how I would feel with the BPD and I remember, that part of the excitement was that push and pull.  

So , then there is peace which you really want, but I think when the sexual arousal came up, that old BPD part was missing, and I stupidly was thinking, in my head, I confused that lack of wanting lust, for not being in love.  

That's what I would need to tell her, and that's a very tough pill for her to swallow, and she will not understand it.  It will come out simply like she much hotter than me, and you don't love me.  But like you say, be honest.  A part of it too was just committing.  

[outside9x]

LuckyJim,

Can I ask the time period between leaving your BPD and meeting your GF.  Mine was only 3-4 months.  I don't think that gave me time to register everything properly.  I think I was unconsciously  comparing emotions in my head.  

Thoughts on that?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey outside,  Yeah, 3-4 months is a relatively short period of time in which to get your sh*t together after the b/u with your BPDx.  I don't want to give a definite time period because everyone is different.  I do think that your new friend might receive that message fairly well.  In other words, why not tell her that you care for her a lot but it was too much too soon after your last r/s and you need to take things more slowly?  That would be authentic, would it not?  Agree, be careful that you don't state or imply that she is less hot than your BPDx!  That is a non-starter.    

On a more serious note, and I'm speaking only for myself, I would rather have OK sex with a nice person than great sex with a BPD tyrant.  Been there, done that!  The price was too high for me.

LuckyJim

[outside9x]

Lucky Jim,

I agree whole heartily.  I don't want any of that and by the way, it made seem real but the true emptions are not.  Usually something behind it.  Ths

[outside9x]

I feel like I am slowly dying here but I been at this state before with my EXBPD. 

She will not even look at my emails or answer my calls.  I also dropped some flowers, and a beautiful card.  Nothing, and she immediately went on a dating site. I mean like within 3 hours. 

Right now its like N/C you might do to a BPD person.  Which I am not.  So, I can't get through with love or honesty which I always have been to her.  maybe she is finally done.

I am not on a dating site.  I thought about it but my heart not in it, and I do want her back. 

I remember my BPDex doing this, shutting me out right before Christmas, but that time I did nothing and I never did find out the reason.  It lasted a week.   I guess nothing I can do. 

Certainly thought about ringing her door bell but I think that's wrong and a way bit desperate and not well received.  This is in God's hands for sure.  Yes, I messed up, I will pay the price.

I feel even though What I did was hurtful, I turned that around in less than 12 hours, its not like I went out and partied and dated. I never said any mean words and never told her I didn't love her.  Never!

In some ways, and I am not blaming her,she has some weird stuff going on though,, but I never seen it,  she was married once, but that was over 23 years ago, so the question becomes why this wonderful girl who wanted a commitment a marriage was lose for that long.  I mean she wanted marriage, and some guys did walk out on her.    I know her last guy kinda  of lived with her for 2 years.  I hear he cheated on her, then got married.  I do believe that, I really do, but it does point to some inflexibility on her part, and I know no one wants the yo yo affect I done here, but none of those break ups lasted more than 12 hours, and there was no fanfare or crying etc,  .   But it still falls on me.  Maybe its just not meant to be.  Do the crime, pay the fine!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey outside9x, Please stop beating yourself up.  You did nothing wrong.  Suggest you postpone any further attempts to contact your Ex and, in the meantime, start focusing on yourself and the things over which you have control.  Be good to yourself.

LuckyJim

[bjm]

I am in your exact same position.  I made the decision almost 5 months ago to walk away from one of the few women I actually never wanted to walk away from.  We would break up constantly, and literally every two or three days she would act in an unthinkable way, and then beg me back, and then just do it, again and again.

I have been almost 5 months NC.  Not a moment or day goes by that I dont think about her and that I dont want to call her.  But I do not reach out, as I know that when I was with her, I was miserable.  I didn't trust her, she made me sick, and I had constant anxiety.  I know if I called her and spoke, that it would just be a repetitive cycle.  No matter how much I did, or how good I was to her, it didn't matter. 

She would tell me I am literally her best friend and her soulmate, yet she lied to me day in and day out and treated me with no respect. 

So when you want to call, as I do everyday. remember how you felt when you were together, and all the chances you gave her, and how she acted.  From what I am told, they will never change.

[HopefulDad]

You're in a rough spot right now, outside9x.  But despite the pain of loss and desire to want her back, it sounds that deep down you know this isn't right.

I suspect in the not-so-distant future you will go back and read these messages and ask yourself, "What was I thinking in wanting her back?"  But to get to that place you need some time to figure out what's going on inside you.  Take that time.  Spend time at the [L6] forum.  Spend time with friends and family, far away from your ex.  Time and distance do wonders for your perspective.

[outside9x]

Thanks ,

Lucky Jim,

I will certainly try and my friends said exactly the same, I really beating myself up a bit too much!

Take care, and I hope the R/S with your GF goes super smooth!

[outside9x]

Thanks so much for the kind words HOPEFUL DAD. I try to hang on that, and remember that I tried might best, my hardest, and probably she did too, and being locked up, and having her also not letting me be with my friends was another determining factor, as we all need breathing space.  Time for ourselves, our friends and certainly time for those we love dearly.

Thanks

[outside9x]

HI Everyone,

Yes, HOPEFULL DAD, I wanted her back, but realized after no contact that this doesn't feel right.  No matter how nice she was to me.  Funny, my Ex wife, and Ex BPD were cruel, and she was nice and loving.

Maybe I still have strong feelings for the exBPDgf, and in ways I do, but I would never ever go back.  I think that if your heart maybe stuck there, there is no room for another.

I thought of that.  Maybe that's the case, or maybe it's not.  Either way, it's not fair to her or me.

So, I decided N/C is good for both, at least for a while.  

She did try to contact me last night. Wanted to talk.  Honestly, I had nothing to say.  It was, what was I going to tell her?  If I got on the phone, knowing me, I'd feel so guilty, and bad for her I would end up seeing her again, only to end up feeling guilty and bad again, and hurt her.

No, I feel, this time, even though it hurts. I did the right thing.  Right things are not always easy.

Thanks for all your wonderful feedback, and support, and it was good, and so very helpful!

[patientandclear]

Hmm. Three days ago you sent flowers and a lovely card and tried to get her to talk with you again. It takes her just three days to process all that sudden turn-around and decide to reach out to you--and your feelings have now reversed again so much that you won't get on the phone with her.

You don't know what you want and the indecision has got to be super painful to this woman. You seem to be rationalizing reasons there must be something wrong with her ... .Even though your first post here is that she is great and there is really zero wrong with this r/s except you don't feel feelings of passion, which you attribute, with commendable insight, to your BPD r/s frying your nerve endings.

You gotta decide if you want to commit to this current r/s. It seems like a now or never moment. You are on the very cusp of losing her because of your own push-pull. Sounds like she has some self respect. She will not keep opening up to you if you keep declining when she does open up to you. Your gestures (flowers, card) came when you felt she was moving on. Now she's shown you a small opening and you are going to shut her down?

I don't know whether to recommend you make a commitment here because you seem SO ambivalent. But she is giving you a chance and I think it's safe to assume it's probably the last one.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, p&c.  The bottom line, it seems, is that the new r/s is too much too soon, which is OK.  I suggest explaining to her that you care about her but need more time to recover from your BPD Ex.  LJ

[outside9x]

Yes, Well said, Patient & clear, I agree.  

I think I am allover the map, and feel a bit crazy, almost like my exBPD.  In fact, that is why at times, I would come back to her, because my friends would say you are expecting this special kinda of love or excitement.  (the one I guess I got from my exBPD)   However, I say to myself, I can't be using that as an excuse, or holding it up as a bar for measurement since it was not a sustainable emotion, and not true love.    

Then I want to go back, and then I get turn again, saying thinking I should feel stronger emotions to her.  It shouldn't have to be when it's ready to burst. (much like the push & pull of BPD)  I don't want to live this way, and I am afraid now, I will do this again if we got together and that scared me and that why I went N/C.   That was the reason.   

I haven't jumped on any dating site.   On the other hand, I know you can find a great person and for whatever reason, it just doesn't work, and that, in itself, is scary too me.  

Thanks.   What a bad seesaw ride this is.  I just tell myself too, that if it was good, when I am in a normal mode, that when my think is clear and sound.  That's when I feel, it just doesn't work at times.  

Times of panic do not make the best of decisions.   Or as my Mom would say, you should just know and feel it.