Push/Pull Boundaries

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has anyone had success by setting a firm limit/boundary for push/pull tactics?

Did it work?  How did you go about it?

I've tried explaining to him that it hurts me and I can't deal with it - he says he understands but the behavior continues and is justified by him in the moment.  He will apologize later and admit that it "was his head that caused it" (this is improvement)... .

[cm3557]

Has anyone had success by setting a firm limit/boundary for push/pull tactics?

Did it work?  How did you go about it?

I've tried explaining to him that it hurts me and I can't deal with it - he says he understands but the behavior continues and is justified by him in the moment.  He will apologize later and admit that it "was his head that caused it" (this is improvement)... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cm3557, Well, you could attach a consequence to his behavior, e.g., if you are verbally abusive, I will leave the room; if it continues, I will leave the house.  In my experience, pwBPD generally ignore boundaries because their emotions are uncontrollable.  Still, I recommend setting a boundary, because they are like kids who need to know what is unacceptable behavior.

LuckyJim

[an0ught]

Hi cm3557,

boundaries work not because we explain them to someone who is unable to follow through with agreements. Boundaries work because we have ways to protect them.

One way to think about how to protect a boundary is really starting from the basics - what value do I want to protect? How important is that to me? What am I willing to pay to protect it? The first boundaries are usually the hardest - the learning sets in on both sides.

So what do you control? Can you prevent yourself being pushed? Where? To what degree? Leaving without much ado is often the best for being pushed - let him stew and don't give the satisfaction of a fight.

Same for pull? How does he pull you in? Possibly easier to take measures for you to not be pulled so strongly?

Again the first ones really need some thinking and planning. There is not a one-size-fits-all. The workshop section has material on boundaries that may be helpful.

[unicorn2014]

Hi cm3557,

boundaries work not because we explain them to someone who is unable to follow through with agreements. Boundaries work because we have ways to protect them.

One way to think about how to protect a boundary is really starting from the basics - what value do I want to protect? How important is that to me? What am I willing to pay to protect it? The first boundaries are usually the hardest - the learning sets in on both sides.

So what do you control? Can you prevent yourself being pushed? Where? To what degree? Leaving without much ado is often the best for being pushed - let him stew and don't give the satisfaction of a fight.

Same for pull? How does he pull you in? Possibly easier to take measures for you to not be pulled so strongly?

Again the first ones really need some thinking and planning. There is not a one-size-fits-all. The workshop section has material on boundaries that may be helpful.

Yeah, what is pulling in anyways? I think I've been subjected to this push/pull behavior as well... .