Things that sadden me looking back

[disillusionedandsore]

In the days before devaluation my ex could be accused of trying too hard to please,  he lacked competence in let's say DIY skills,  but he usually wanted to try... .Use a saw,  dig a hole,  even using garden equipment,  brushcutter etc I remember really wanting him to succeed,  sensing that he felt hard done by in terms of his FOO (father in particular),  criticised for his efforts and it seemed never really taught or given a chance. Thing is he is fierce clumsy at times,  he goes about things in an awkward and to me,  a poorly thought out way... .(hindsight/foresight deficits) for example he would use a saw, without any prior instruction or demonstration,  he was only minutes using it when the chain came off,  disaster because he didn't know how to put the chain back on,  what side was up and cursed and blamed the machine! I would cringe for him, I am fairly competent at most stuff and didn't want to rub it in his face.  I also could figure out how to fix it and see where he had gone wrong... .There were SO many situations like this,  it saddens me,  truly like a brain dysfunction. He also didn't seem to be able to learn from his mistakes and would go about a thing the next time in a similar haphazard manner,  resulting in immense frustration and defensiveness for him and sometimes a right mess for me.  It was hard at times not to think everything he touches turns to disaster... .I remember feeling guilty that I had those private thoughts at times around his competence.  In terms of trying though he was blindly determined and hoping I'd be pleased... .Like a kid that wanted to emulate a big strong competent man... .

It baffled me and had me choked up at the same time,  I remember willing him to succeed thinking it would build his confidence,  I didn't know about the disorder then so I didn't get the ground hog day aspect of all of this... .How repetition,  repeated trials (practice) didn't automatically mean success... .

[balletomane]

Being clumsy and haphazard is not a symptom of BPD. He may have had some other underlying issue that caused it, as developmental motor co-ordination disorders that also affect planning aren't that uncommon - they affect roughly 7% of the population, 2% severely, and they are not mental illnesses. Take a look at the info on here: www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/ . Then again, he might not have had any difficulty like that and was just a naturally clumsy and scatty person. I would be wary of trying to attribute every problem he had to BPD - not being able to learn from past physical activities that you've tried to do many times before is more symptomatic of a motor planning issue if it's a symptom of anything.

His low self-esteem must have been very hard for you both and it's good that you were so supportive. If someone struggles with something to the point where they really can't do it I think the best thing is just to reassure them that it's OK, they don't have to be able to do it to be a worthwhile person - why should anybody's self-worth depend on their abilities with DIY? (I'm in that 2% with a severe motor co-ordination disorder and this is what I've discovered over the years.) Unfortunately you can't easily offer that reassurance to someone who has BPD - they will just hear that you think they're a failure or otherwise twist your words. My ex used to get suspicious of me when I complimented skills he genuinely possessed as he thought I was lying and trying to manipulate him for some reason. In his head people were always trying to manipulate him.   It's a catch-22 and really difficult to be caught up in.

[enlighten me]

Hi balletomane

While I agree clumsiness isn't a symptom of BPD I can see where it fits in. Neither of my exs asked for help. They thought they could just do something and it would work. They also displayed clumsiness and I believe this is to do with a lack of confidence. I was clumsy when I started my training as an aircraft technician. I wasn't confident that I was doing things right and this doubt meant I wasn't concentrating on what I was doing.

There is a lot of shame surrounding pwBPD and if they feel that they should be able to do something then they will try it. Shame of not knowing how to do something will keep them from asking. Just like a man and asking directions  . I should know I never ask and have ended up lost loads of times.

[disillusionedandsore]

Thank you both for these contributions... .I think you are spot on about the shame and low self esteem EM... .I guess that bit that upset about the disorder was how it seemed like each time he had to set out to prove himself all over again with little to no recollection of previous efforts... .  I was thinking at that time... .These are things he was never taught or given the chance to try,  (absent alcoholic father, critical of the older child's attempts to be a man... .) 

I couldn't understand why he wasn't learning or developing skills/competence... .

He was/is a good dancer I dont think it was necessarily a physical co-ordination issue... .More like a lack of forethought,  thinking about possible consequences,  learning from past mistakes... .

Another example... .One time we took apart a kiddie trike to fit it into the car to go to the woods,  it took a bit of figuring out but eventually he got it to fit, a short time afterwards (weeks), we set off to do the same again in another location.  He became extremely angry when I expressed surprise that he couldn't remember the method he had used the previous time... .I asked him thinking I was helping did you but the handlebars in first or the wheels... .He was drawing a blank,  and yes it was like suddenly I was implying he was incompetent... .I was genuinely confused

as to why he was so touchy... .I now believe he couldnt actually draw on any past experience... .

Further thoughts welcome

[enlighten me]

My exgf was quite good once she learnt something at doing it again and again. She would also research stuff on the internet and become a self proclaimed expert. In fact if she learnt something she knew better than anyone else.

She would also use herself confessed expertise in everything else. My favourite was a popular German make of toy animals. The way she pronounced it was wrong and it began to annoy me. One day I corrected her on it and she went into a lecture on how she should know how it was pronounced because she once went out with a German guy. I pointed out that the way certain letters were put together formed a particular sound and that was my experience from living in Germany for eight years. For the remainder of our time together she still pronounced it her way but after we split up she started pronouncing it the proper way. Was this her shame at being proven wrong that caused her to do this? Who can tell.