Chatting with the Ex

[SummerStorm]

So, a week or so ago, I posted about how LC was working for me and about how my former friend BPD was acting civil.  Well, that lasted until yesterday (her birthday).  Earlier in the week, when I mentioned that we aren't friends anymore, she replied, "Why aren't we friends?  I thought we were."  I reminded her of the fact that she ended our friendship, and she went quiet.  Two days later, I finally got her to reply to me.  She told me she was moving into her apartment this weekend (she hadn't told me she'd found one), and we talked about that for a few minutes.  Then, I texted her that night and got nothing.  On her birthday, I sent a text early in the morning, right around the time she's been texting me.  After not getting a reply for a few hours, I sent some angry texts about how it would be nice if she could thank me for remembering her birthday.  The anger picked up as the day went on, and I sent some ill-advised texts.  Around midnight, I asked why I was getting the silent treatment, and she replied, "Because I've been letting people read your texts all day, and they have unanimously decided that you are ___ crazy."  I told her that was hilarious, since she was the one who was just in a psych ward.  She told me I don't know how to have normal human interactions.  I then sent her some more angry texts about how messed up she is.  At this point, I don't care if I hear from her again, so I just let it all out.  She replied, "I don't want to be friends with you, so stop assuming things. "  

So, this morning, I was like, "I need to know just how bad her BPD is.  I'm going to text her ex-boyfriend."  A few hours later, he and I were still exchanging texts.  Below is some of conversation.  Texting him was the best decision I made because it made very clear for me how disordered she is and how she treats everyone the same way.  

*I am in black; he is in blue.

I’m sorry to bother you, but you are the only one who can answer this question.  When she flips out, how bad can it get?

She gets physically abusive and then can’t remember that she even did anything wrong later or the next morning when she switches back to her ‘good’ side.  So, pretty bad.

I figured the dissociation was bad.  May I ask you a pretty serious question?  You don’t have to answer.  Back in May, she sent me this picture of her with a bloody lip.  :)id that really happen?  I’m just trying to figure out her lies from the truth.

I’m not sure if it was that bad or not.  :)riving home after a party she was super drunk and like trash talking me then smacked me in the face, while I was driving.  And I did the same back.  Completely equal.  If it was like that she deserved it.  My mouth was numb and sore for a day or two also.  She said my brother has a sexier voice than me, to my face.  After she was basically showing her boobs for the guys to aim at during beer pong.  ___ that ___.  I didn’t need a slut.

Ok, she basically told me that but didn’t say you were driving.  Yeah, she texted me about your brother’s voice.

Yep.  It was reaction also.  I never did that to any female in my life, I guess I didn’t know what hit me at first and I just acted basically out of shock.

She texted me once and pretended to be you and called me a stupid ___.  She acted like you had taken her phone.

Seriously…no way…

Oh, yeah.  Saturday of Memorial Day weekend.  I texted her that morning with some job openings at schools.  She thanked me and then ignored me all day.  I got pissed and texted her later.  She told me I was acting ___ psychotic, called me a ___, said she was pregnant, and then said, “Dude, you’re an idiot.  This is her boyfriend.”

That’s so crazy.  I’m glad I’m free from that.

Two days later, she pretended to have no idea what I was talking about when I said I had talked to you.

She said she might be pregnant to me also one time and that she was off the pill for a week or two.  And it freaked me out.

When she was at my house those few days before that, she kept going to the bathroom, so I started to think that maybe she was.  

Well luckily she’s not, because I would fear for the child’s life.  My cousin was scared of her living here.

She asked me a few weeks ago if I had a room for rent.

After trying to kill herself they stayed at her friend’s house for almost a month because we have a 3 year old that lives here, my cousin.

I thought, “Ok, I know about her disorder.  Maybe I can be civil with her.”  We just texted, nothing else.  Things were ok for a few weeks, other than one minor flip out.  But then I thought, “I’m so stupid” and told her that I forget sometimes that we aren’t friends.  She replied, “Why aren’t we friends?  I thought we were.”  Yesterday, I sent her an early happy birthday text and then basically went off on her because she clearly ignored it.  She texted me at midnight and told me all her friends think I’m ___ crazy.

That’s so weird.  I never knew what to believe what she was saying about you, or her dad, or anyone else she knew.  It was such a mistake.  Luckily she is moved out and gone.

Did she say I was crazy or worse than that?

Just that you’re ridiculous and crazy.  Same thing about like everyone.

Last night, I told her that was hilarious, since she was in the psych ward and has a serious disorder.  She basically told me that I can’t have normal human interaction, and then I called her out for moving every three months.  What was California all about?

Yeah, she told me I should have just let her die.  Like 10 different times.  We were gonna move there together.  Her mom is great, and so is her step dad.  They were going to have us move in with them, her step dad was going to get me a job, and she took it back and wanted to stay here, which is good now.  But we almost lost our home here because we put our notice in.

Was she really planning on getting help there?  Why was she so intent on going there?

Yeah I think so.  I never knew with her.  But yeah her mom was all for her getting help there.  She went to like two therapy sessions here and stopped.  I would have loved to live there and get her help.  But I was too hopeful.

Where has she been working?  She said she was tight on money.  

She’s at a local convenience store chain.  But she should be fine soon.  She’s going into upper management.

You know what made her end our friendship?  I texted her and said, “I’m tired of always changing my plans to fit your schedule.”  Six hours later, I got messages about how I’m poison, etc.

That’s messed up.  She never even did anything when she was with me, rarely had any ambition at all.  We never even went to see a movie.  We watched one, at home, and only half of it.  She never came outside.  It was pathetic.

She saw a movie with me and talked the entire time and played on her phone.

So dumb…her rabbit is still at my house and she needs to get it soon.

I live in a rural area.  I tried to get her to go with me for a walk, but she complained it was too hot out.  When she was at her mom’s in April, she basically laid in bed all day and slept or sent me pictures of her mom’s dogs.

Yeah, that’s what I got, too!

And when we did have plans, she canceled most of them.  

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Summer Storm,

   This sounds like a recent conversation between me and an ex of my ex. Almost identical only she was physically violent with me, not the other ex.

So what are your plans? Are you going to keep LC or go NC?

I'm going to be honest. I was just crying in my car over my ex. I went kayaking today and kept thinking how nice it would have been to get out on the boat with the dog. We talked about doing so many things but she dumped me before each of the seasons we were to do them. Unfortunately I recently saw a picture of her and the new girl fishing. Just hurts.

Thank you for writing this post. I logged on here to hopefully stop some of my sadness. I'm sorry she's treating you like c r a p. This post so resonated with me and made me realize why I can never have this person in my life again.

One breakup she started dating a friend of ours. I texted this friend (suspecting it). I find out later my ex was texting me from her phone... .like 3rd graders.

This breakup as she was dumping me for another person she brought up this girl whose phone she texted me off of. She said, do you know why I left you for "  ". And I said I don't know and don't care.

She came back to me because this girl didn't visit her once in the hospital and she tried match but could only find a woman 50mi away with herpes.

So I guess I was a better option.

I don't understand the jumping from person to person. All I know is that we are so much better than this and as you just demonstrated they sure don't change with the next person.

[enlighten me]

Hi summerstorm

Thank you for sharing this. I have often thought about contacting my exs ex and wondered what their experience had been. Your post is pretty much how Ive envisioned it.

EM

[SummerStorm]

PrettyWoman,

The great thing is that, during the party when she was showing her boobs to all of those guys and verbally abusing her boyfriend, she was also texting me things like, "I miss you.  I want you."  This was also hours after she texted me and said, "Hurry up and buy that house.  I thought about you a lot today.  I pictured you proposing to me.  I pictured you pregnant with our child."  So then, she went to a party and acted like a whore all night.  The next day, she texted me all about how she loved me so much.  Two days later, she stayed over at my house.  Two days after that, she was calling me "f_____g psychotic."  

I'm not going to keep LC because 1) she's just going to keep showing my texts to random people, 2) she has stopped replying to me anyway, and 3) I don't have time for her BS.  

I'm going NC from this point on.  I removed her contact information from my phone.  I'm sure I'll hear from her again at some point, probably when her current group of friends abandons her when they find out how crazy she is or when she needs a place to live again.  But I won't reply.  

I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from her soon.  It's hard to tell.  Her anger towards me was slightly less this time.  On the other hand, she also has been (supposedly) showing people my texts, which she didn't do when she was with her boyfriend and ended our friendship.  She eventually did tell him that I'm crazy, but he didn't listen to her.  Of course, when she said that she was showing people my texts all day, that could mean she showed them to a grand total of two people.  When the first discard happened, she told me I'm a poison and that she doesn't want me in her life anymore.  This time, she told me I'm crazy, but she's told me that many times before.  

She was definitely the same with him and me, with not going outside and stuff.  But she did go places with the guy she dated late last year and into January.  Having said that, she was not working during that time, since it was between student teaching and her first substitute position.        

[SummerStorm]

Hi summerstorm

Thank you for sharing this. I have often thought about contacting my exs ex and wondered what their experience had been. Your post is pretty much how Ive envisioned it.

EM

My experience is a bit different because we were friends and then she told me she was going to leave her boyfriend for me.  So, when she was with me, she was acting exactly the same as when she was with him.  It honestly helps me see the BPD progression really well.  She met him around the same time we became friends.  She started idealizing him around the time she started idealizing me.  She sent us the same pictures from when she visited her mom.  She started devaluing him not long before she started devaluing me.  Then, she went back and forth between us for a month.  She discarded me first.  Then, two months later, she broke up with him.  And those two months were obviously not good.   

She broke up with her boyfriend and resumed contact with me, but she was still living with him.  Now, she's found a new place to live and has discarded me again.  I'll be "crazy" until these new people realize that she's crazy.

[Pretty Woman]

Summer Storm,

   Good for you! You sound very strong in your ability to do that.

It's amazing the shyt they pull sometimes. I can look back to when I first started dating my ex. I knew she was still in communication with the ex before me but I had no clue what BPD was at that time. I figured it out once the push pull insanity and twisted arguments began. She kept telling me: You are not trustworthy, you are a ass! When I did nothing.

I was so confused. In fact she started talking to several exes eventually leaving me for one. I say she won't contact me again but she's ran back between them for years.

The worst part is this was my first same sex relationship so no one knew I was dating her. I come from a very conservative family. This isolated me and made it easier for her to emotionally abuse me. When I finally told people they were surprisingly ok (with the orientation... .not the abuse). I did lose my best friend and was sad over it... .causing my ex to dump me.

Any time I had any issues she'd dump me. I would need to be a robot to survive anything with her.

I was thinking today... .if she came back could I do this again?  I'd have to check her phone and follow her around every day. What kind of life is that? No one else I know do I distrust as much as her.

I really think I miss the adulation. I miss being a "supermodel" to her. I need to respect me again and realize I deserve to be treated better I don't need a liar and cheater to complete my life.

[SummerStorm]

Summer Storm,

   

I was thinking today... .if she came back could I do this again?  I'd have to check her phone and follow her around every day. What kind of life is that? No one else I know do I distrust as much as her.

It's amazing how mine was able to compartmentalize her life.  Her boyfriend and I never even met in person, and I trust talking to him way more than I ever did talking to her. 

Apparently, her one sister is back in town, and she didn't bother to even mention that to me.  The past few weeks have been completely empty, conversation wise.  It was mostly me texting her, her replying a few hours later, me replying back, her going silent. 

If she's painted me black to her sister, I would say I'm not going to hear from her ever again because that's going to make her look incredibly stupid, and she knows that.  This could finally be it, hopefully.  I'm hoping that, by the time she needs to move again, she has a brand new supply to pull from.   

[Pretty Woman]

Mine painted me black to her sister whom I work with. Her sister threatened going to HR and getting me fired. Still my ex came back... .

So don't think familial ties make a difference. They split family too. I am 99.5 percent my own sister is BPD. She cut me out cold five years ago. I made attempts to no avail.

Everyone is different. If she's one that keeps in touch with exes bank on that being her pattern.

My ex has a best friend who is a complete loser. She can't keep a job, just an irritating person, uses ppl to buy her dinner, stuff like that.  My ex makes fun of her and goes months without speaking with her. Every break up this chick is her BFF again. It's silly. Each time this person immediately unfriends me on Facebook. Now she's friends with my ex and the new girl. It's comical. Point I was going to make... .

When my ex came out this friend wrote her off and told her "go to hell". My ex called her once a year for ten years until this person would re engage with her.

This is why as much as I doubt I can't imagine her not contacting me. I was nothing but nice to her. I just can't afford mentally to go through this again. I can't.

[SummerStorm]

Mine painted me black to her sister whom I work with. Her sister threatened going to HR and getting me fired. Still my ex came back... .

So don't think familial ties make a difference. They split family too. I am 99.5 percent my own sister is BPD. She cut me out cold five years ago. I made attempts to no avail.

Everyone is different. If she's one that keeps in touch with exes bank on that being her pattern.

My ex has a best friend who is a complete loser. She can't keep a job, just an irritating person, uses ppl to buy her dinner, stuff like that.  My ex makes fun of her and goes months without speaking with her. Every break up this chick is her BFF again. It's silly. Each time this person immediately unfriends me on Facebook. Now she's friends with my ex and the new girl. It's comical. Point I was going to make... .

When my ex came out this friend wrote her off and told her "go to hell". My ex called her once a year for ten years until this person would re engage with her.

This is why as much as I doubt I can't imagine her not contacting me. I was nothing but nice to her. I just can't afford mentally to go through this again. I can't.

This sister has lived in a different state for a few years, and they also aren't even technically sisters anymore.  My former friend's mom has been married five times, so they were step-sisters at some point.  She is the one person who seems to have a fairly consistent role in my former friend's life.  So, it's hard to tell.  This is the first time she's told a family member how "crazy" I am. 

I don't think she keeps in contact with exes, but I'm a bit different, since we were never an actual couple.  I'm sort of in that middle place.  She definitely still talks about exes.  According to her boyfriend, basically everyone in her life is "crazy," but I'm sure she's probably still in contact with most of them. 

[Pretty Woman]

All the exes mine pegged as "crazy" at the start of the relationship... .she was talking to. Her sister and mom are her only consistents too.

I hate all of this. This morning I figured it just might be better being single. I was single ten years before this. I was ok.

[SummerStorm]

All the exes mine pegged as "crazy" at the start of the relationship... .she was talking to. Her sister and mom are her only consistents too.

I hate all of this. This morning I figured it just might be better being single. I was single ten years before this. I was ok.

Mine is fairly consistent with her mom, but they've had their share of problems.  She casually mentioned them having periods of no contact, like that was something normal.  I think the longest I've gone without talking to my parents is a few days, when they were on a vacation that my mom recently called a "second honeymoon."  My dad blew up at both of us a few years ago, but that only lasted until the end of the day. 

Since her mom moved away a few years ago, things have been okay, at least as okay as they will ever be. She only sees her mom a few times a year, mostly at holidays.  Now that she lives even farther away and my former friend no longer has long college holiday breaks, I'm sure it will even be less often.  Having said that, the last time she visited her mom, her mom said, "I don't want you to visit anymore.  You make me miserable when you're here."  That was after only 9 days. 

Yeah, I was a "poison" back in June, and she wanted me out of her life forever, but by August, she was asking if she could live with me.  So, she clearly kept my contact information.  She also mailed things back to me in July, so she kept my address somewhere.  My address is hard to remember, and she couldn't even remember my birthday, so it's not like she had it memorized. 

[Pretty Woman]

SS,

   It's amazing how they surface when they NEED you. It really is emotional espionage. They know their words and silence wound... .so when they return like "Little Sally Sunshine" they expect you to fall all over them.

And many of us do or have. Mine knows I cannot stand silent treatment. Last year my best friend stopped talking to me for a month (I do suspect she has BPD and not because of this example) but she would not respond to me at all... .we sit two desks from each other at work.

My ex was so upset that I was upset over this she dumped me and didn't talk to me for a month either. I was a total wreck! I think my ex is expecting me to break NC and I will not do that. Ever since she threatened a RO (last breakup) I have zero desire to chance that. I also work with her sister and I don't need them tag teaming me... .I have a wonderful job.  I am just praying she up and moves soon. She was getting antsy about six months ago and I think she is on thin ice with her job.

I would be happy if she just dissapeared, honestly. I'd never need to worry about what might happen next.