How Much of You Does Your Significant Other See?

[unicorn2014]

I agree with "I changed my thinking. I don't look at him as selfish anymore, but as emotionally disordered with poor coping skills. It's not worth it to force him to listen to things he can't handle. "

I don't let my husb see the real me. He gets the redacted me. There is no point; he has proven time and again that what I say in confidence or from vulnerability will be filed away in his brain and used against me later, in some way.

Yes my partner does that too, but I think he does it to try to connect to me when he thinks I'm pulling away from him. I use it as a sensitivity guide to issues. It is exhausting being in a relationship with a pwBPD and it is very high maintenance!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheRealJongoBong]

This is a really interesting question. I find that I filter what I say, do, and think to my wife. If I don't do that she will pick up on something and start a new dream about how psychologically messed up I am, or how I wrong my thinking is, or used it as evidence that I am really abandoning her this time, etc. If I talk about simple things, e.g. what I saw or how people act then I am shown to be shallow and superficial. If I talk about complex things that interest me, then I am talking over her head and being disrespectful. If I talk about what seems to interest her (mostly her course in miracles/spirit will solve everything religion) then I simply don't understand because it's very complex.

The best that it seems I can do is share in what she wants to share, listen to what she wants to talk about, and mostly mind my own business. I send small test statements and conversation starters out (usually after analyzing for potential upsets), then watch carefully to see how it's accepted. If it seems OK then I'll continue, but if there's any agitation I back off.

Mostly it's like walking through a mine field. I can usually share anything about my youth or questions about my psychology because that puts be in the "weak" position with her, and that seems to be OK. I can't really share any of my hopes or dreams (which seem to be few and far between these days) because it usually brings up fears of abandonment. I certainly can't share my opinions on how the world/universe works unless I want to be told I'm wrong and "this is the way it really is."

So in the end I guess I end up hiding at least 60% of myself. I do this a lot because I don't want to trigger her. It's like I'm working with a rescue dog - note the things that cause upset and avoid them until they can be better accepted. Be very patient and try to build trust. That's a tough thing to do when her main symptom is paranoia.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I rode my bicycle home from work and I have to write more. What I present to my wife is an edited version of myself to minimize triggering her. I do this because the more she gets triggered the worse she gets.

And she feels that I'm not being honest, just not about what I'm being dishonest about. She says she feels like she's married to someone dead because I never want to do anything, never want to go anywhere, and I never take the initiative in our relationship.

All that is true. I am not being honest because I edit my responses to avoid setting her off. I don't want to initiate anything because it's likely to set her off. Like tonight, for example, when she just came home. She's in the mood that has her criticizing everything I do, so basically anything I do will make it worse. That means I just do my own thing so I don't have to be around that kind of negative energy.

So I hide 60%, and it's not good for either of us. Is there a better way to do this?