Difficulty to pull the trigger on NC during "civil behaviour"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Right now me and my BPD are in communication, but I know it needs to end.

We have recycled X2, and recently I tried to convince her to just be friends, as I accepted that a relationship is just not going to work between us, with the push/pull, silent treatments, not agreeing to spend time together etc. With everything we've been through any "relationship" we form is going to be based on just about the worst foundation in the history of mankind. And her behaviour is simply unacceptable, frankly she is not capable of anything approaching a healthy relationship. So i thought a friendship  would be the most mutually beneficial for us.

Right now we are "civil" in regards as she is saying she wants a relationship between us however she "needs time", "is confused", "is going through a lot" etc.  We dont text nearly as much as we used to, sometimes she'll go 2-3 days without reaching out to me which used to be unheard of. Even talking on the phone is an occasional "treat". This situation has been like this for several months now, as I tried to give her "time" but honestly how much time does one need? So it's not a phase anymore as much as the status quo.

In spite of this she does insist on calling me her pet name for me, putting kiss emojis, hearts, etc etc on her texts. In spite of this she will not under any circumstances meet me to hang out or spend time together, and there is no logistical reason to not be able to as we live in close proximity to each other.

On the flip side, she is having a difficult time at the moment, as mutual friends have told me she's not been getting out of the house, and basically sit on her bed watching tv series every night. She has been in trouble at work and possibly losing this new job she' only had for a few weeks, has had a family member taken ill etc. Also her selfies on facebook tell me the full story as she does not look good at all. She seems to be embodying the "hermit" type borderline more than the "waif" which she used to be textbook waif.

I feel somewhat selfish about the situation, obviously I want to help her but she won't let me, and any attempt to talk about things in a serious manner is deflected or ignored, she seems to be ignoring the fact her life is falling apart, it's the typical throw a life raft and she throws it back at you. However if I say i think we should go our seperate ways she does not want to.

Here's the deal, I know i'm going to be screwed over sometime soon, while she's watching tv shows in her room i'm under basically no doubt she's trawling online dating etc trying to line up new supply, and I feel i'm being kept as a backup battery. I'm old, stale supply thats past its use by date but will do in a pinch when nothing else is avaliable. As a codependent person attempting to recover, this is not a good situation to be in.

She had no problem in the past coming to me for emotional support but she doesn't even do that now, so in my mind there MUST be someone else. And the first i'll hear about it will be when it goes facebook official.

Maybe i'm paranoid but this is just how I feel lately. And to be honest it's hard to trust someone who's treated you in the past the way she has.

So anyway I need to move on, and concentrate on my healing, but it's hard without something to trigger it, with her having a hard time right now and the abandonment fear i'd feel awful to just block her and go NC, but at the same time it feels like being in a mexican standoff and not shooting because you's feel bad, the other person is eventually going to shoot you if you dont shoot first and save yourself.

These are musings as much as anything, but any input would be appreciated.

[Infern0]

Right now me and my BPD are in communication, but I know it needs to end.

We have recycled X2, and recently I tried to convince her to just be friends, as I accepted that a relationship is just not going to work between us, with the push/pull, silent treatments, not agreeing to spend time together etc. With everything we've been through any "relationship" we form is going to be based on just about the worst foundation in the history of mankind. And her behaviour is simply unacceptable, frankly she is not capable of anything approaching a healthy relationship. So i thought a friendship  would be the most mutually beneficial for us.

Right now we are "civil" in regards as she is saying she wants a relationship between us however she "needs time", "is confused", "is going through a lot" etc.  We dont text nearly as much as we used to, sometimes she'll go 2-3 days without reaching out to me which used to be unheard of. Even talking on the phone is an occasional "treat". This situation has been like this for several months now, as I tried to give her "time" but honestly how much time does one need? So it's not a phase anymore as much as the status quo.

In spite of this she does insist on calling me her pet name for me, putting kiss emojis, hearts, etc etc on her texts. In spite of this she will not under any circumstances meet me to hang out or spend time together, and there is no logistical reason to not be able to as we live in close proximity to each other.

On the flip side, she is having a difficult time at the moment, as mutual friends have told me she's not been getting out of the house, and basically sit on her bed watching tv series every night. She has been in trouble at work and possibly losing this new job she' only had for a few weeks, has had a family member taken ill etc. Also her selfies on facebook tell me the full story as she does not look good at all. She seems to be embodying the "hermit" type borderline more than the "waif" which she used to be textbook waif.

I feel somewhat selfish about the situation, obviously I want to help her but she won't let me, and any attempt to talk about things in a serious manner is deflected or ignored, she seems to be ignoring the fact her life is falling apart, it's the typical throw a life raft and she throws it back at you. However if I say i think we should go our seperate ways she does not want to.

Here's the deal, I know i'm going to be screwed over sometime soon, while she's watching tv shows in her room i'm under basically no doubt she's trawling online dating etc trying to line up new supply, and I feel i'm being kept as a backup battery. I'm old, stale supply thats past its use by date but will do in a pinch when nothing else is avaliable. As a codependent person attempting to recover, this is not a good situation to be in.

She had no problem in the past coming to me for emotional support but she doesn't even do that now, so in my mind there MUST be someone else. And the first i'll hear about it will be when it goes facebook official.

Maybe i'm paranoid but this is just how I feel lately. And to be honest it's hard to trust someone who's treated you in the past the way she has.

So anyway I need to move on, and concentrate on my healing, but it's hard without something to trigger it, with her having a hard time right now and the abandonment fear i'd feel awful to just block her and go NC, but at the same time it feels like being in a mexican standoff and not shooting because you's feel bad, the other person is eventually going to shoot you if you dont shoot first and save yourself.

These are musings as much as anything, but any input would be appreciated.

[LostGhost]

Just letting you know I empathize. I'm currently in the exact same situation and pretty much waiting for the "facebook official" situation too. We barely talk but just enough that I feel like I'm providing whatever I have left to her as a battery. It will likely go on like this until she's fully locked down a new supply or until I have had enough. It's such an awkward feeling of distance compared to what was previously shared. It feels difficult to go NC when we are amicable but I know if she locks down a new supply, she will go NC on me. It's so hard to fully detach and move on. I don't even think that's what I'm looking for just yet. I'm just not ready to say goodbye. I don't know what else could happen to finally push me far enough to never want to think of her or see her again. Do I really want to wait around to find out?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Infern0

When all is civil, it may be the best time to end it. In my opinion, your assessment of the situation sounds pretty good. Even if there isn't another man, either now or in the near future, she's clearly not that interested in you anymore. Sounds like what you are struggling to handle in this situation is the FOG that goes with the situation, ie. having nothing current to justify your ending the relationship oh, and the pain too, but that does get better. I good friend gave me some advice about guilt. She said feel it fully and it diminishes.

Just a few little thoughts. If it doesn't feel right, ignore me... .

Lifewriter x

[Infern0]

Hi Infern0

When all is civil, it may be the best time to end it. In my opinion, your assessment of the situation sounds pretty good. Even if there isn't another man, either now or in the near future, she's clearly not that interested in you anymore. Sounds like what you are struggling to handle in this situation is the FOG that goes with the situation, ie. having nothing current to justify your ending the relationship oh, and the pain too, but that does get better. I good friend gave me some advice about guilt. She said feel it fully and it diminishes.

Just a few little thoughts. If it doesn't feel right, ignore me... .

Lifewriter x

Yup this is 100% true.

However every time I do go NC she always comes back saying how much she misses me and needs me etc etc etc and I usually fall for it.

The most annoying thing is I really am happy to just be friends, at least that way theres no expectations on me and I can just go about my life but no it HAS to be a romantic bs type thing with her, even when its clear as day that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.

Just letting you know I empathize. I'm currently in the exact same situation and pretty much waiting for the "facebook official" situation too. We barely talk but just enough that I feel like I'm providing whatever I have left to her as a battery. It will likely go on like this until she's fully locked down a new supply or until I have had enough. It's such an awkward feeling of distance compared to what was previously shared. It feels difficult to go NC when we are amicable but I know if she locks down a new supply, she will go NC on me. It's so hard to fully detach and move on. I don't even think that's what I'm looking for just yet. I'm just not ready to say goodbye. I don't know what else could happen to finally push me far enough to never want to think of her or see her again. Do I really want to wait around to find out?

Yup I feel like i'm just waiting for the knife to go in, right between my shoulder blades, then I can go "look, i was right, just as i predicted" and then I can go NC without feeling guilty about it (fuelled by anger)

Sad isn't it.

[patientandclear]

I don't necessarily think the issue is that she's not that interested in you anymore.  The Staying Board has several stories of people whose BPD partners are pretty faithful but are long distance and have a really really hard time crossing that distance and actually spending time in person or even on the phone with the erstwhile partner -- there is something overwhelming about it that feels bad.  One of the last times I saw my ex, we had a truly extraordinary time together.  Midway through the day he sort of lost it.  He started inviting random people to join us in our plans ... .he desperately needed some distance.  Sometimes the feelings of being overtaken or assimilated or ... .are just too much.

But, Infern0, that doesn't mean you need to continue to participate like this.  Some people on Staying do, indefinitely.  It IS a relationship, albeit an unusual one.  But if it bothers you to continue this on these terms, the fact that she isn't indifferent doesn't mean you have to continue to do this.

[Infern0]

I don't necessarily think the issue is that she's not that interested in you anymore.  The Staying Board has several stories of people whose BPD partners are pretty faithful but are long distance and have a really really hard time crossing that distance and actually spending time in person or even on the phone with the erstwhile partner -- there is something overwhelming about it that feels bad.  One of the last times I saw my ex, we had a truly extraordinary time together.  Midway through the day he sort of lost it.  He started inviting random people to join us in our plans ... .he desperately needed some distance.  Sometimes the feelings of being overtaken or assimilated or ... .are just too much.

But, Infern0, that doesn't mean you need to continue to participate like this.  Some people on Staying do, indefinitely.  It IS a relationship, albeit an unusual one.  But if it bothers you to continue this on these terms, the fact that she isn't indifferent doesn't mean you have to continue to do this.

Staying in a "relationship" like that is codependent, sorry but it is, it's not healthy and it's not normal in any sense of the word, it's also enabling the PwBPD to get stay the way they are and not get help because you are acting as though it's normal and acceptable when it isn't.

There probably is some stronger emotional connection with her and me because she never ghosted me like all the rest, however that stronger emotion dooms me to worse treatment!

Sorry not meaning to snap but one cannot live like this indefinatley, particularly if you are trying to recover from codependency as self respect/worth and setting healthy boundaries is imperative, and that's in conflict with this type of situation

[enlighten me]

Hi Inferno

It is hard especially when you see theyre not doing well.

I have this problem with my ex wife. She has remarried and has a kid. Our sons have come to live with me and don't want anything to do with her. I know she is having a really tough time and not handling things well. I can see the potential outcomes of this and one is that I fear she may lose everything and become a danger to herself.

I realise that theres only so much I can do to help and at some point she has to step up and take responsibility for her actions. The more I try to solve her problems for her the less chance there is of her sorting things out for herself. Sometimes tough love has a place. The old adage of if you love them let them go I feel is appropriate. Sometimes we can be doing more harm than good. We can add an extra layer of confusion to an already confused life.

My exgf has orbiters who come running when she clicks her fingers. She cares for them in her own way but they will never get what they want from her.

Sometimes we just have to be selfish and think of what we want. If you take her out of the equation then ask yourself. What do you want?

[Infern0]

Hi Inferno

It is hard especially when you see theyre not doing well.

I have this problem with my ex wife. She has remarried and has a kid. Our sons have come to live with me and don't want anything to do with her. I know she is having a really tough time and not handling things well. I can see the potential outcomes of this and one is that I fear she may lose everything and become a danger to herself.

I realise that theres only so much I can do to help and at some point she has to step up and take responsibility for her actions. The more I try to solve her problems for her the less chance there is of her sorting things out for herself. Sometimes tough love has a place. The old adage of if you love them let them go I feel is appropriate. Sometimes we can be doing more harm than good. We can add an extra layer of confusion to an already confused life.

My exgf has orbiters who come running when she clicks her fingers. She cares for them in her own way but they will never get what they want from her.

Sometimes we just have to be selfish and think of what we want. If you take her out of the equation then ask yourself. What do you want?

I just want a normal life, to recover from my codependency and FOO issues, and to someday have a good, healthy loving relationship to share my life with. That's all.

She doesn't fit into that picture I realize that.

I also fear I am these days an "orbiter" although I try hard not to be, it's so demeaning but maybe that is what I am... .eugh.

[enlighten me]

Im sorry inferno I hope that thought hasn't upset you.

You've been here for quite a while. I remember weve posted a bit in the past. I can see a lot of me in your posts. Its good that you are wanting to deal with co dependency and FOO issues. Half the battle with codependancy is recognising you have it. I didn't like to think of myself as codependant. I agree that I had some traits but I feel that these traits were exploited by my exs turning our relationships into co dependant ones. My boundaries were slowly eroded away.

Sometimes we just have to rip off the bandaid and get on with life. I know I found this hard with my exgf. I would get up the strength to leave her and wimp out. I was just waiting for that last big bust up to say "that's it its over". In the end I just had to say this isn't working I think I should move out.

I personally found that once I had ended things then life got a lot less confusing. I could actually see my part in things and that let me work on it.

[Infern0]

Im sorry inferno I hope that thought hasn't upset you.

You've been here for quite a while. I remember weve posted a bit in the past. I can see a lot of me in your posts. Its good that you are wanting to deal with co dependency and FOO issues. Half the battle with codependancy is recognising you have it. I didn't like to think of myself as codependant. I agree that I had some traits but I feel that these traits were exploited by my exs turning our relationships into co dependant ones. My boundaries were slowly eroded away.

Sometimes we just have to rip off the bandaid and get on with life. I know I found this hard with my exgf. I would get up the strength to leave her and wimp out. I was just waiting for that last big bust up to say "that's it its over". In the end I just had to say this isn't working I think I should move out.

I personally found that once I had ended things then life got a lot less confusing. I could actually see my part in things and that let me work on it.

If you check the post I just made in L6 you might have a better understanding of why this is so hard from me. Ijust laid it bare.

[enlighten me]

Hi Inferno

Ive just read your post and it saddens me to see you've have so much to deal with.

I saw a lot of me in what you wrote. Not the adoption or the abuse as a child. My parents are similar characters but not abusive. I don't know if my mum has a PD but she is certainly a strong willed woman who was in charge of the house and my dad whether co dependant or not was the laid back one who went along with things.

I can relate to the girls you were attracted to just wanting to be friends. I also had low self esteem when it came to women even though Im not too bad looking. I have missed so many opportunities and let others step in because I never had the confidence with women.

I can see a lot of what you went through as a child in what my sons have been through with their mum.

It sounds though that you are making progress. I commend you on this and wish that when I was your age I was as insightful. Im now 45 with two failed BPD relationships so I too have melancholy moments where I think Im past it and will never find happiness. I then snap myself out of it and remind myself I don't need anyone to make me happy only I can do that.

One thing that interested me was the fact that your mum wanted to adopt. Both my exs often spoke about adopting. Maybe something I'll explore in another post.

EM