False accusations of domestic abuse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My dBPDw and I have been separated for about a month now, after a long weekend of non-stop quarreling.  We have been in communication regularly either through talk or text.  In order to reconcile, she is demanding I both admit I am abusive, and seek a counseling program for domestic abusers.  There has been ABSOLUTELY no abuse from me.  Her rationale is that when we were arguing I raised my voice, and that yelling is a characteristic of abusers.  I am not willing to jump through this imaginary hoop and honor her request.  I see both an individual therapist as well as a marriage counselor, and they both agree that me undergoing counseling as an abuser is not necessary or applicable. 

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how have they dealt with it? 

It seems to me that my only option is to get a lawyer to protect myself, and start divorce proceedings.  She has NO evidence of abuse by me; no physical marks, no police called or coming to our house, NOTHING, because I have NOT done anything abusive.  I am guilty of losing my cool and yelling during arguments, absolutely. 

[ApChagi1]

My dBPDw and I have been separated for about a month now, after a long weekend of non-stop quarreling.  We have been in communication regularly either through talk or text.  In order to reconcile, she is demanding I both admit I am abusive, and seek a counseling program for domestic abusers.  There has been ABSOLUTELY no abuse from me.  Her rationale is that when we were arguing I raised my voice, and that yelling is a characteristic of abusers.  I am not willing to jump through this imaginary hoop and honor her request.  I see both an individual therapist as well as a marriage counselor, and they both agree that me undergoing counseling as an abuser is not necessary or applicable. 

Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how have they dealt with it? 

It seems to me that my only option is to get a lawyer to protect myself, and start divorce proceedings.  She has NO evidence of abuse by me; no physical marks, no police called or coming to our house, NOTHING, because I have NOT done anything abusive.  I am guilty of losing my cool and yelling during arguments, absolutely. 

[precipitation]

Sorry you're going through this. I went through a similar situation with my ex.

I don't think it would hurt to contact a lawyer. Certainly don't give in to baiting by seeking help for an imaginary issue or apologize for things you didn't do, etc. It's good that you've shared this with your T and MC. If she keeps insisting, maybe keep a log or record these conversations when she makes such allegations. Your disagreeing or refusing might be perceived by her as threatening if she is persistent with this request, at least by her rationale.

[JohnLove]

Raising your voice (as in yelling) can be perceived to be abuse.

Honestly, from what you have explained she is merely trying to get the feelings in her head to fit reality.

She has convinced herself that you are abusive and wants You and everyone else to fit her distorted reality. We all live inside our heads but that is no way to live.

Severe mental illness. Very very sad.

[JohnLove]

I should have added that despite the lack of evidence eventually I was charged by police (with an agenda).

My saved voicemail evidence and her total lack of evidence presented in court (despite police personally presenting me with fabricated evidence) and $2.5K on a lawyer resulted in serious charges being dismissed and a restraining order being removed by a female magistrate.

Be careful.

[Butterfly12]

Well, my story is kind of the opposite.

My husband was arrested after he hit me in the face while I was holding both our newborn and our two year old. In the two years that have followed, he has denied that he touched me, all the while saying I am the abusive one and that my allegations were false. That I lied. I have tried to repeatedly patch our relationship, trying to save an almost ten year relationship with all the stuff I can, but it all comes back to that he can't trust me.

That I lied.

In the police report he admitted it. In court he plead guilty.

But regardless he says I am "dishonest, a liar, and manipulate situations."

So I don't know what to tell you. A version of reality is in their heads, and they can't be convinced. Even if the paper trail and evidence (for me bruises on my cheek and witness) tell a different story.

[JohnLove]

That's very curious Butterfly12. I find this aspect of the disorder probably the most MADDENING. I did not miss that in the police report and in court (stark reality) he admitted it, but then with you, you are a liar. I wonder. Was he just rewriting history after the fact?

[Butterfly12]

I have no idea. It's also in our entire community and with all our friends, family, and even our marriage counselor. He will not admit it anywhere. The only way I know he admitted it on the day it happened in the police report is because a year and a half later it occurred to me to go get a copy, for my records.

It's really crazy.

[Suspicious1]

I've had this from both sides of the fence, I guess. My exBPDbf said that several of his ex girlfriends had been violent to him, and that his ex wife was seriously abusive, particularly financially. He prided himself on being a tough man so claimed he didn't mind her violence, and in fact he actively encouraged me to hit him on a few occasions. I never did it. I said I wouldn't because it didn't matter whether he minded me doing it or not - it would feel too disrespectful to do it, and it was a line I wouldn't cross. I'm glad I didn't, because I know that eventually I'd have been accused of being violent and I wouldn't have had a leg to stand on.

In the end, he accused me of being controlling - control, of course, being the basis for all abuse. When I told him I didn't want to tackle my ex husband about something, he said I was "controlling everything". When I refused to give him my permission for him to attack my ex husband, I was "controlling him". When I said I didn't like him speaking to me in a certain way then, guess what, I was "controlling him". When his family went to his house to check on his wellbeing because he'd recently threatened suicide, they were "controlling his life". When I contacted medical services because he tried to kill himself, and I gave them information to help them save his life, he said that he knew how I felt when I had been raped and stalked in the past - he said he now knew how it felt to have someone else bully their way in and take control of your body and your life. Yep, he likened my attempt to get him medical help as akin to rape. He said he was disappointed that I had barged in and "tried to take control of my life". That word was used over and over and over again.

My marriage was abusive - my ex stalked and gaslighted me, among other things. He fully admits he stalked me, but denies that it was abuse because "it was hardly the crime of the century" and in his head it made sense. He felt it was understandable behaviour. It didn't feel abusive to him, so despite the fact that the things he did are clearly defined in domestic violence definitions, to him it can't have been abuse because he is not an abuser. No one sees themselves as an abuser - it's always "well I did it, but it was with good reason". That's an issue with the definition of a particular behaviour, rather than having the behaviour fabricated in the first place.

For that reason I don't like to judge when I someone says they've been abused. Being stalked might be no big deal to my husband's now-girlfriend, but to me it was devastating and affected so many areas of my life. That said, I've learned to steer well clear of anyone who claims to have been abused by every partner they've ever had, knowing that it won't be long before the finger is pointed at the next partner. And so many pwBPD claim to have been abused by every partner they've ever had.

I don't know what the answer is - just to be careful not to veer into any behaviour that could be interpreted as abusive and keep as much evidence to defend yourself as possible. Completely false accusations (where behaviour is fabricated) often unravel because people have a history of doing that kind of thing, I think.