Ex gf showed up unannounced and drunk

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So I sent a text explaining I was letting go. She needs to get healthy. I explained that I loved her and missed her but she had to help herself and that we would talk again when we were both in better places mentally and emotionally. I blocked her number. Three days later I hear a banging on my door at one in the morning. She is there drunk as a lush. We live two hours apart. She was crying and acting insane. I was going to call the cops but I just put her to bed and let her pass out. I slept on my recliner. Well didn't really sleep. Why? Why? I'm worn out. I want to move on and grow. Now I am keeping the number blocked still but she did tell me she would leave me alone. Help? I don't feel comfortable in my home and I cannot relax.

[Greenleaf23]

So I sent a text explaining I was letting go. She needs to get healthy. I explained that I loved her and missed her but she had to help herself and that we would talk again when we were both in better places mentally and emotionally. I blocked her number. Three days later I hear a banging on my door at one in the morning. She is there drunk as a lush. We live two hours apart. She was crying and acting insane. I was going to call the cops but I just put her to bed and let her pass out. I slept on my recliner. Well didn't really sleep. Why? Why? I'm worn out. I want to move on and grow. Now I am keeping the number blocked still but she did tell me she would leave me alone. Help? I don't feel comfortable in my home and I cannot relax.

[Turkish]

I can't say that I might not have done the same thing, and it's good that she seemed to have left without further drama.

However, it may have signaled to her that busting your boundaries like that was acceptable. Going strict NC may be appllicable in situatuions where we are in danger, but it can trigger the intense abandonment fears of a pwBPD. Is there a way to wind this down slowly in order to minimize the drama? Have you seen this?

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

[Greenleaf23]

I dont know what to do. She just wept and she has to quit drinking but i cant make her not drink. I love her.

[HappyNihilist]

Greenleaf, I'm so sorry, what a stressful, confusing, and uncomfortable situation. 

I can see where you'd have trouble relaxing and feeling comfortable in your home after that. Do you worry that she'll come back?

It's emotionally triggering to see an ex - especially since she came over uninvited and drunk. It's completely natural to be thrown for an emotional loop. Let yourself feel and process through those feelings... .you will get back to a more centered place. Then you can more easily decide what to do and how to go about it. Don't feel pressured to figure out a plan or do anything right now. Give yourself some time.

You said that you want to let go - you want to move on and grow. You're absolutely right, you can't make her not drink. You can't 'fix' her. It would be nice if we could help the people we love in that way. It hurts to know that they're suffering, and it hurts to realize that we can't just love the pain out of them.

It's hard to let go of people we love. Ending an intimate relationship is painful, period. We want to believe that love alone is enough to make a relationship work. This is actually of the 10 beliefs that can get us stuck and keep us from detaching after a disordered relationship ends.

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – many wounds that existed before the relationship have been opened. Of course you have a lot invested in this relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.

For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize your end of the relationship, you would need to recover from your wounds and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker – it’s not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your partner most likely won’t understand – and you can’t provide for yourself right now.

For your partner, there are longstanding and painful fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. Your partner is coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need to understand and face their wounds and emerge very self-aware and mindful. This is likely an even greater challenge than you face.

~ from the article Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Take care of yourself, Greenleaf. And keep posting. It helps to talk. 

[Greenleaf23]

She said she would not try to contact me or bother me any more. I am keeling the number blocked. Should i relax knowing this is over or should I be prepared to call the police? If she is drinking and unstable her behavior seems unpredictable.

[Turkish]

She told you this face to face? Did you respand in a valdating manner? She may be back some night. Your front door is your boundary.

[Greenleaf23]

She just said she would not bother me. But I did not really respond. It ended awkwardly. I didnt feel a sense of closure. All I felt was confusion. I asked a female friend of mine about this situation and she said she would be back. I cant live like this.

[Greenleaf23]

I feared something crazy would happen because I have never blocked the number before. I tried to be angry but we cuddled and now I just miss her even more. I dont know if she just wants to make me miserable or crazy or both. We talked about our relationship and I know she is seeing other guys. Why did she do this and why did she risk hurting an innocent driver and getting arrested? I have kept the number blocked and I have not had any contact with her. Im dying inside and I had lunch with a friend yesterday who said I should be prepared for her showing up again. She is undiagnosed BPD but she demonstrated a lot of traits. I think she just wants to destroy me. I hate feeling caught up in all the emotions again. I dont know what to do. We have broken up and reunited several times. I cant think anymore.

[Herodias]

Mine showed up like that too... .When I told him not to ever do that again and not to text me at night that I am putting my phone on do not disturb- he hasn't bothered me since. He is now practically living with the new gf. As much as I hate that, I wanted him to get help instead- but if he's not going to, better her than me.

[HopefulDad]

You have to assume she will show up at your door again drunk despite anything you say to her beforehand.  So the question is what do you plan to do about it?  Think about it now.

- Let her in.  I think you'll just be enabling her and allowing her to break any boundaries you fail to enforce.

- Have a friend of hers you can call and have him/her come get her when she shows up.  Ex would wait outside until the friend arrives. You obviously would need to arrange this with the friend and also have a backup plan if the friend cannot or doesn't come.  The backup plan would most likely be... .

- Call the cops and have them deal with her.

[Greenleaf23]

We live in different town so I did not think this would be an issue. This is ruining my life. I blocked the number because a relative gave me the advice. I do not think she will bother me anymore. She said she would leave me alone. I am worn out and exhausted. She is acting very unstable and I have never seen her like this before. She is being very self destructive. I just want to be able to relax in my own home and move on with my life. I have tried to escape many times. When she was not drinking I wanted to get away. Her mother would call me telling me to go check on her and I would be right back in it. I cannot take anymore because I do love her but she needs professional help. I dont know why the other people she hangs out with do not bring up her drinking.