Reaching out and Friendship

[AnnaBlue917]

My ExBPDGF decides to reach out approximately 4 days ago stating that she wanted to be friends. I took the bait. Call me weak, I am because I STILL LOVE HER VERY MUCH! She has been texting me daily and wanting me to stop by her apartment to spend time with her. I established the boundaries of what a friendship means to me, she says she got.

Fast Forward-----Today, I stop by to visit with her and she is on this rant about how her family sabotaged her previous relationships and friendships by bad mouthing her, degrading her to these new so-called friends.

I was of course placed into the category of sabotaging a potential friendship she had with a woman on google groups because I reached out to the woman and I was not to contact anyone she was friends with .

She made it a point to TELL ME AND TO SHOW ME A EMAIL that this woman sent to her as a result of my reaching out to the woman. The woman told her that she didn't like mess and that apparantly she was in a relationship and the person she was with cared a lot for her and she couldn't understand why my ex would lie to me about their relationship.

In a nutshell my EX told me that this woman wanted to be with her. We had just broken up mind you they had been chatting for weeks prior to our break-up. We opted for friendship even though I knew that would be difficult on me because of my deep feelings for her. The bottom line is this,,,

She ONLY REACHED OUT TO ME BECAUSE THIS POTENTIAL FRIEND DECIDED TO END THE FRIENDSHIP WITH HER AND SHE IS BACK AT SQUARE ONE. She had NO idea that I am ON to her and how she operates. I listened to her go on and on as to why she and this woman cannot be friends and that she is looking for healthier relationships to be in as far as friendship is concerned. I told her good for you but I have to go now.

I got out of there quick fast and a hurry because I SEE the WRITING ON THE WALL. I am STILL HEALING FROM THIS WOMAN HURTING ME and IF SHE THINKS THAT I AM GOING TO ENTANGLE MYSELF IN HER WEB AGAIN NOW THAT THIS POTENTIAL IS NO LONGER IN HER LIFE SHE HAS ANOTHER THOUGHT COMING!

Did I mention that we WALK as a form of exercise and SHE ASKED ME THE OTHER DAY THAT IF I MOVE OR RELOCATE THAT SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO GO WITH ME? She said, we don't have to move in together, I really miss you and who knows what the future holds WE might end up back together!

Are YOU KIDDING ME I thought! I FLAT OUT TOLD her YEAH WE DON"T KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS AND LET'S JUST LEAVE THIS HERE AS A FRIENDSHIP OK? She SMILED THAT CUNNING SMILE AND AGREED!

I tell you BEFORE this website I THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY, I WAS LOSING MY MIND! I now know that I NEED TO PROTECT MYSELF AT ALL COSTS and I have DECIDED today that I am going to DISTANCE MYSELF from her and just tell her I'm busy for the most part when she is reaching out to me DAILY now because HER POTENTIAL is NO LONGER IN THE PICTURE! IT PISSES ME OFF TO BE USED LIKE THAT AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO GO BLACK ON HER BEHIND! UGGHHH I'M SO ANGRY AT MYSELF RIGHT NOW FOR FALLING FOR HER CRAP!

She SMIRKED THE WHOLE TIME DISCUSSING THIS WOMAN AND HOW SHE FELT IT WAS BEST TO CUT THINGS OFF FROM THEIR FRIENDSHIP! I DON"T BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT SHE SAYS AT THIS POINT!

I have got to FIND A WAY TO COMPLETELY DETACH FROM THIS WOMAN PERIOD!

[enlighten me]

Hi Annablue

Its good that you didn't get sucked back in and where able to walk away.

What do you feel that you need to work on to help with completely detaching?

It sounds as if what you are doing so far is working for you.

EM

[AnnaBlue917]

EM wrote:What do you feel that you need to work on to help with completely detaching?

Hi EM, I honestly think that only time is going to HELP me get over my feelings for her. I have read so much on these boards about BPD's showing you what you wish to see and not BEING who you think they are! I suppose the woman that I fell for I am now getting more and more glimpses that she is not who she appeared to BE with ME.

This is devastating and I still cry sometimes because I MISS that woman and LOVED her and WANTED her to be apart of my life. Now that I am CLEAR that she doesn't EXIST I am ANXIOUS to DETACH FULLY from her! On one hand because I still LOVE her I am trying to BE a GOOD FRIEND to her with limitations and boundaries in place. On the other hand I HONESTLY WANT TO JUST GO BLACK ON HER AND NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER!

Sometimes I JUST WISH THE HEART WOULD LISTEN TO REASON AND ALLOW ONE TO MOVE ON MORE QUICKLY!

I have had some assistance along with the way dealing with this woman from a friend of mine on another support group who seemed to have really good insight into BPD's and NP people. You know what he said to me that really got me thinking?

He said, "It's amazing what we eat when we are starved. It's amazing what we will fuse ourselves with in a barren emotional desert"

This SPOKE VOLUMES to ME about ME and the REAL WORK that I MUST DO WITHIN MYSELF!

The PERSON I AM CHOOSING TO BECOME, RESILIANT, SELF-RELIANT, IMPROVED SELF WORTH and IMPROVED SELF-ESTEEMED would NOT have ALLOWED me to BE in such a RELATIONSHIP with this woman who is BROKEN from the INSIDE OUT! BROKEN PEOPLE IDENTIFY WITH BROKEN PEOPLE, no matter the level of BROKENESS.

We are ALL BROKEN at some point or level on our journey in life, but again SOMETHING IS MISSING INSIDE OF ME that I was UNAWARE of that has BROUGHT me to this point!  Out of ALL the PEOPLE in this world I CHOSE to LOVE and FALL IN LOVE with I CHOSE her! Why? That is where I am today and I tell you until I find the answer which lies in me, I cannot allow myself to enter into any relationship in the future. I WILL NOT CARRY THIS BAGGAGE WITH ME ELSEWHERE. MY EVERY INTENTION is to GET THE LESSON and TRULY MOVE FORWARD with the KNOWLEDGE of TRUSTING MYSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST and SEEING THE WRITING ( ) on the wall with any one that I am remotely interested in the future.

So what will it take for me to detach completely? I am NOT SURE at this time except to say, TIME and probably less frequent contact or no contact at all.

Thanks for responding EM!

[enlighten me]

Hi Anna

What your friend said is quite powerful. It really struck a chord.

I was married to a woman that I believe was BPD. At the time I didn't have a clue about BPD. She dumped me, recycled me then dumped me again. I was devastated. I didn't see it coming. Getting over her took ages. I kept holding on to hope.

I then got together with another woman. Fell in love and started a family. It went horribly wrong. After we split I looked into her behaviour and found out about BPD. I realised that although on the surface she seemed the opposite of my ex wife underneath they were almost identical. For my exgf I painted her black. I wasn't going to make the mistake I did with my ex wife and believe the best I was going to believe the worst of her. With my ex wife I kept getting snippets of information about things she had done and this would knock me back to square one. With the exgf I thought the worst so when stuff came out it didn't hurt so much.

Time isn't a cure. It helps but if you don't do anything to move forward then all time does is age you. You still remain bitter/ in love/ confused etc etc your just older.

By the sound of it your doing a lot to move forward. I wish you luck in your journey.

EM

[AnnaBlue917]

EM you wrote: I then got together with another woman. Fell in love and started a family. It went horribly wrong. After we split I looked into her behaviour and found out about BPD. I realised that although on the surface she seemed the opposite of my ex wife underneath they were almost identical. For my exgf I painted her black. I wasn't going to make the mistake I did with my ex wife and believe the best I was going to believe the worst of her. With my ex wife I kept getting snippets of information about things she had done and this would knock me back to square one. With the exgf I thought the worst so when stuff came out it didn't hurt so much.

Time is a cure. It helps but if you don't do anything to move forward then all time does is age you. You still remain bitter/ in love/ confused etc etc your just older.


That's the thing that scares me the most and that is what you mentioned above about falling for another woman who appeared normal on the surface only to discover she too was identical to your ex wife!

I don't think I can STAND going through this again with another woman! My exgf damn near destroyed ME! I almost checked myself into a hospital several times. The BEST thing I have going for me besides great friends and good family support is my FAITH! I PRAY ALL the TIME and that HIGHER POWER HEARS ME AND HELPS ME because without it I don't know what I would have done!

I WISH you ALL the BEST EM!

[enlighten me]

I think your in a lot better place than I was before meeting my exgf. I didn't know about BPD or what to look for. Now I can see the red flags that where there from the start. You could probably spot it a lot easier now than before all of this.

I occasionally like to go on a certain dating site. Not that Im wanting to start a relationship but out of curiosity. I like to read the blurbs and play spot the PD. I do this when I start missing dating and think I need someone in my life. It grounds me again and reminds me I don't need someone else to complete me. Like you said before. Its amazing what we will eat when we are starved and at the moment Im not hungry.

EM