I think I am lying when I tell her I am trying work on this relationship

[Cipher13]

I have been thinking over a lot of things in my life lately.  I have been asking myself if I am lying to my wife and myself when I am telling he I want this to work and will do what even I can to make things better. I know she can tell by my attitude some times and has said as much. I have been doing this for most if not all of our relationship. When we were dating it was not a rare thing that she would break up with me over this or that. After a while of this I was ready for it to be over to. But for what ever reason I didn't want to be seen as the one who doesn't care. Or that I never did care so I would fight for the relationship. The worse the fight or break up the harder I would fight for it, but actually not really wanting to continue.  If that makes any sense.

So I am lying when I say I want this to work out because everyday I dream about getting out of the relationship and hoping she will end it.

[OnceConfused]

sometimes we live by convenience and not by our own principles. If you believe that your love to her is drying out then :

1. Determine why that love is drying out. What factors in your marriage or r.s with her that cause you to feel that way

2. Can the negative factors be corrected ? because a divorce is messy and expensive.

3. have you contributed to the negative factors as well ?

4. After exhausting all avenues then if things are not successful then a divorce is warranted.

You have many good years left and so does she. SO why wasting each other time and life?

[Wrongturn1]

Cipher,

From your previous posts, it seems like you have already done everything that you are capable of doing to improve the relationship (but it hasn't improved because you are not the problem). 

What else is she wanting from you right now to work on or fight for the relationship?

[Grey Kitty]

So... .is the problem that you are saying you want to work on the relationship?

Or is the problem that you don't want to work on the relationship?

Or the third possibility I see is that you are confused in what you want, because you have very good reasons to both work on and give up on the relationship, and find it really hard to decide where the balance lies.

[Panda39]

Hi InfernO,

Can I ask you what does your ex do for you?  What do you get from the continued contact? Why is what you get from the contact important to you?

I spent a lot of time in my past relationships only focused on what I did for my partners but only recently realized that I never looked at what they did for me.  I discovered I did a lot for my past partners and guarantee you they all would say good things about me today. By being the "best girlfriend" I got a boost to my self-esteem by my love, care and nurturing of them, and I gained control of the relationships since I took care of everything. I was the perfect co-dependent partner.  Those were things I gave and received in return for what I gave. I would be honorable and fight for my relationships even when they were unhealthy.  I would be responsible and do the right thing I was committed and I'd stay to the bitter end... .I would be the perfect girlfriend.

But what did they give? When I look back not alot... .There was some love yes but there was also, emotional abuse, cheating, physical abuse, controlling, alchoholism, FOG and co-dependence.  I never saw it all until I looked on all of my relationships as a group and how I was "cared for" by them.

When I looked at the patterns of my past relationships I realized I deserved better and wanted better. I started looking at myself.  Who was I?  What was important to me (not what was important to my mom, my friends, society)  What were the lies about myself that I learned and believed?  I began to reject the invalid stuff I internalized through out my life.  I am as smart at my PhD brother, I am pretty the way I am, I am a good mother, I am a good provider, being sensitive is not a bad thing etc. I finally found my authentic self.

Once I found me I wanted to find a partner for the true me.   I wanted a real partnership with with an adult that was interdependent not co-dependent.  I wanted someone I could love and not be caretaker of and someone that loved me for who I was not what I did for them.

So start with Infern0... .Who is Infern0?  What are some false beliefs you might have about yourself? What are your true values and beliefs?

Hope something here helps,

Panda39

Hi Cipher13

Above is something I posted on another thread but I also wanted to share it here. 

I would stay too long in relationships because my self-esteem was not good so I spent time trying to be the "perfect girlfriend/wife" I would love all of these "damaged guys with good hearts" into the people I thought I saw inside of them.  I would be the hero... .the nurturer... .the rescuer.   Why? because it made me feel better about myself.  I stayed too long in these relationships because I thought it was the "right" thing to do, because I had to be perfect so I would be seen as a good person because in truth I didn't think I was.  I made the commitment to the relationship so I would stay way after I should have let go because we are taught that commitment is important, that it is good to keep your commitments, and good people keep there commitments and I desperately wanted to a good person.

I was always worried about how I would be perceived,  I would be a quiter if I didn't try to make these relationships work, it would be my "fault" if the relationship ended, and besides I knew I could help these guys.

But what I never stopped to consider was how were these guys treating me?  What did I deserve?  Did they love me for me or simply because of all the things I did for them?  Why did I keep making bad choices?  Why did I stay too long?

Above is what I have discovered about myself.  Yes our partners are part of the equation but I think it's important to look at ourselves too.

I eventually found my self-esteem during a year of breakdowns and breakthroughs.  I then approached looking for a partner from the standpoint of what I needed to be happy not what I could do for someone. 

Look within yourself and at the pattern of your past relationships what do you see?  Is there a pattern or is this relationship different?  What are you giving?  What are you receiving?  Is there growth within the relationship or is it stuck in the same place?  Are you getting what you need in this relationship?

Only you can decide what is the best situation is for you and only you can decide if and when to take action.

I hope I have given you some food for thought.

Panda39

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cipher13, It seems like you have a codependent thing going on, because you are more worried about "how you will be seen" by your W than you are about following your own heart and gut feelings, which seem to indicate that you want out of the r/s.  To sum up, you are leading an inauthentic life, which is a lousy place to be.  I should know, because I did it myself in my marriage to my BPDxW.  No wonder you have been thinking a lot of things over lately.  As Nietzsche put it, "Become who you are."

LuckyJim

[Waddams]

Just echoing LuckyJim.  I did the same thing with multiple women.  It doesn't work. Not for you, or for them.  It won't get better until you start living true to yourself. 

[Cipher13]

Thank you all for responding. To be honest I let it get this far because I didn't want to be seen as the person that didn't try or care enough. I am the only one in the relationship that says I love you. I am the only one in the relationship that doesn't swear yell or berate the other.

I get the third degree for just giving a look of "stop or knock it off" I might as well said stop it you stupid piece of crap I can't stand you and never have and never will. Because that is what she said the look meant to her.  I apologize far too often for things that are not even real. So if I am still in this relationship it is because I can't seem to find a way get out. But I so want out so very much.

[Lucky Jim]

To be honest I let it get this far because I didn't want to be seen as the person that didn't try or care enough.

Hey Cipher, If you look at your words (above), you reiterate your concern for how you might be seen.  To me this indicates that you have a codependent side (don't we all?) which might be worth exploring.  Why are you more worried about how you will be seen by your W than you are about being authentic to your own heart and gut feelings?  As Waddams points out, this approach leads to problems that won't get better until you start living a life that is consistent with your core, your true self.  The idea is to pursue an increasingly genuine existence, which at the moment you seem reluctant to do.  Maybe it seems frightening to be honest with yourself?  It's easy, I know, to lose your path in a BPD r/s (I certainly did).

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Being undecided sucks.

Your topic title was about not really be committed to working on the relationship.

Your last post mentioned not being able to find a way out.

If you aren't committed to either staying or going... .or something else that truly matters to you... .this limbo-land will stay your home, I suspect.

Do you know what you are afraid of? Or what you are MOST afraid of?