I don't want to be empathetic.

[unicorn2014]

Yesterday I thought I might start a thread on resentment but I don't think I have much to say on that topic. I do have a lot to say about how I feel every time I read about empathy. It drives me nuts. Why should I be empathetic to my borderline fiancé who seems to lie to me? So much of the success with borderlines seems to be dependent on our being empathetic with them. Why would we want to be empathetic with them when they've hurt us so much? Why are they worthy of our time and attention? Has anyone else struggled with this resistance to empathy to people who've hurt us so much?

[babyducks]

this is how it works for me.

empathy and boundaries keeps me balanced.

empathy  helps me change what I need to.

empathy keeps me from being afraid.

[maxsterling]

I certainly understand where you are coming from.  If I look at the basic facts of my wife's life, her behavior is certainly a major factor in most of her struggles.  Last night she was crying and feeling really low, wondering why nobody likes her.  From my perspective, it's the other way around - she doesn't like anyone, and nitpicks and complains until people don't want to deal with her. 

How can I be empathetic with that?  Empathy doesn't mean I have to agree with her actions, her life decisions, or the way she treats others.  But I can empathize with her emotions of feeling isolated, her struggles to identify herself and keep moving forward, and to try and be a good person despite her negative outlook.  She certainly knows her issues.  It's not like she wants to cause other people pain.  \

I ask you this - if you can't feel any empathy towards your fiancé, then why are you together?  Just reminding again - you don't have to empathize with bad behavior.  But do you empathize with your fiancé's core struggles?

[unicorn2014]

Maxsterling, I most certainly do empathize with my finance's core struggles and his bad behavior is really getting on my nerves right now. So the question is how do we empathize with pwBPD when their behavior is pissing us off?

[myself]

Do it as much as you can, and step back enough to not make things worse? What it's really about is you being yourself. Making the moves that are right for you, even the uncomfortable. Sometimes that's someone who's pissed off. Who's been hurt. Who has questions, needs space, isn't as empathetic... .

[unicorn2014]

Myself, thank you that is brilliant too. That's why I come to this board, for helpful advice like that!