I died last night and was reborn

[hollycat]

Last night was THEY night. The night my BPD H and a friend showed up to collect his stuff and move out of the house. I was dreading this. I KNOW, my head KNOWS being with him is toxic for me, yet i still love him. Same old story. So anyway, I had a friend sit with me and he had a friend who acted as mediator and was only allowed in the house. Things got moved out. I, of course, was a basket case. I wanted to see him, yet I didn't want to see him. I WANTED to talk sense to him, but sense and borderline thinking are oxymorons. It was absolutely excruciating and at one point, I literally felt my heart shatter. I just began to rock back and forth and say, die to be reborn, die to be reborn. And I felt it happen.

Of course, this morning, he wanted the handgun he bought for me, back, leaving me without home defense. I was furious and told his friend, (I know, don't kill the messenger), he can have it back and you can tell him to shove it up his a** if he thinks this is the right thing to do.

Apparently I struck a nerve because he began texting me about my hostile behavior (taking my gun from me, wasn't of course, a hostile behavior) and my shortfalls about being a non partner because I left him so much (left him to go to work).  I told him if he would stop with the delusions and get treatment, maybe we could work something out. That was my olive branch. Of course, he sees no need, since I am the one at fault, needing treatment. I knew he wouldn't consider it for a minute but it made me feel better to have made the offer.

I do feel a sense of freedom I haven't felt in a long time, so I hope the healing has begun.

[SGraham]

That is good that you said you feel a sense of freedom. I know the sadness after the b/u is hard, but the relief from anxiety does help a bit. Hang in there holly cat.

Best wishes,

SG

[Chrisbazsky77]

  hey Hollycat,

I can understand fully the surreal experience of them leaving (be it them on their own will and or not).

In my case, I sent him away... .twice... second time was final.

I PROMISE you... .it does get better.

As SGraham mentioned also, its great that you are already feeling a sense of freedom or release from this.

Please know that you are not alone. Best wishes and special hugs.