Do they not value intent

[empathic]

First dysregulation in a while the other night. I've had a bad cold so I made noises while sleeping (in another room). She came into the room in the middle of the night and asked "What the h*** do you think you're doing making such weird noises? The kids wonder too.". Unfortunately I lost my temper and told her if it's to be like that I could as well move out now. I was tired and did not think clearly.

It's been like this a lot through the years. To her the above seems equal to me maliciously waking her up just for the sake of it. Why is the intent behind something not evaluated in her mind?

[Notwendy]

Sometimes it is hard for someone with BPD to see intent in another person. They can process the action they perceive in a way that makes it personal to them and they can attribute mal intent to someone. It is hard to explain this other than it is an irrational thought process.

There is no need to personalize this as it has nothing to do with you, and the interpretation of the situation was in her thinking- which is not under your control. In fact, it can't have anything to do with you because, well, you have a cold, and she can't see this. JADEing doesn't help. Defending the accusation gives meaning and value to them. If there is nothing to defend, don't defend it. You have a cold? Take care of yourself. Set a boundary. Tell your wife you will sleep in the other room so that you can sleep and also not wake anyone up. Get one of those noise machines that drown out sound if you need to. Lock the door if you have to.

Your intent can be discussed at times, but it is not easily discussed when things are emotional. In your situation, since your wife did not see your intent, she may now feel victimized by you losing your temper. It may take an apology from you about that to clear the air. 

[empathic]

Sometimes it is hard for someone with BPD to see intent in another person. They can process the action they perceive in a way that makes it personal to them and they can attribute mal intent to someone. It is hard to explain this other than it is an irrational thought process.

There is no need to personalize this as it has nothing to do with you, and the interpretation of the situation was in her thinking- which is not under your control. In fact, it can't have anything to do with you because, well, you have a cold, and she can't see this. JADEing doesn't help. Defending the accusation gives meaning and value to them. If there is nothing to defend, don't defend it. You have a cold? Take care of yourself. Set a boundary. Tell your wife you will sleep in the other room so that you can sleep and also not wake anyone up. Get one of those noise machines that drown out sound if you need to. Lock the door if you have to.

Your intent can be discussed at times, but it is not easily discussed when things are emotional. In your situation, since your wife did not see your intent, she may now feel victimized by you losing your temper. It may take an apology from you about that to clear the air.

Thanks. You're right, it does not have anything to do with me. This is a problem I often deal with, that I take things to heart. The next morning, it was as usual like nothing happened. I did not apologize.

[Ceruleanblue]

I've actually had conversations with BPDh about my intent behind some things, and he just doesn't care. Intent doesn't seem to make any difference to him. His thinking is way too black and white, or something. To most of us, especially nons, intent is a huge deal, and offers explanation, and explains a lot to us. I think when BPD is present, with the lack of rational thought processes, they really do just see it as something we are doing to annoy/hurt them.

And yeah, trying to explain our real intent to them usually falls on deaf ears. I gave up. I KNOW what my intent is, and he can continue to dwell on his negative interpretation all he wants.

[Corgicuddler95]

Yep, I'm heavily painted black by my ex right now.

I told I loved her = trying to guilt trip her

Worried she's drinking to much he = trying to parent her

Asking friends how she is = being stalkery

Anything I do she will see the worse in.

Well I ain't talking to her ever again now like she wishes