Am I involved in a love triangle?

[Herodias]

I am sorry, but no one marries someone they do not love unless it is some kind of set up marriage or someone trying to help someone else get a visa. I am sure my husband is telling his new gf the same thing... .that we were just roommates for 8 years, blah, blah, blah... .She posted an article on Facebook about not really loving someone if you cheat (which they did)... .well, She publicly stated her love for her husband on Facebook and mine was still telling me he loved me when he was with her! You need to decide if you want to stay with him through the lies, but don't think he never told her he loved her... .I just don't believe it, sorry. He would probably tell the next one after you the same about you... .think about it. It's just how they are... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

I am sorry, but no one marries someone they do not love unless it is some kind of set up marriage or someone trying to help someone else get a visa. I am sure my husband is telling his new gf the same thing... .that we were just roommates for 8 years, blah, blah, blah... .She posted an article on Facebook about not really loving someone if you cheat (which they did)... .well, She publicly stated her love for her husband on Facebook and mine was still telling me he loved me when he was with her! You need to decide if you want to stay with him through the lies, but don't think he never told her he loved her... .I just don't believe it, sorry. He would probably tell the next one after you the same about you... .think about it. It's just how they are... .

BH, I understand your hurt and frustration in your situation. That is not my situation. I did not title this thread am I involved in a love triangle. I do not think I am. I do not think my fiance ever romantically loved his wife. People marry for all kinds of reasons.

I am very sorry for what you're going through. I did not say my fiance was just married to his wife for 8 years or they were roommates for 8 years.

I think after I talk to my fiance this afternoon I will start a new topic on boundaries as I never believed I was involved in a love triangle. I was trying to talk about triangulation which is different then a love triangle and the topic was changed. I do believe my fiance triangulated me into his marriage so he could get out of it, but I don't believe he ever loved his wife. Nor do I believe there is going to be another one after me. I did read the 7 pages on boundaries so I will start a topic on that after my conversation with my fiance. Thank you for reading and replying.

[formflier]

  People marry for all kinds of reasons.

What was your fiancee's reason for getting married? 

FF

[unicorn2014]

  People marry for all kinds of reasons.

What was your fiancee's reason for getting married? 

FF

The first time it was parental pressure, the second time it was guilt and remorse for how he treated her the first time he married her.

[formflier]

 

The first time it was parental pressure, the second time it was guilt and remorse for how he treated her the first time he married her.

And his reasons for being in a r/s with you?

FF

[unicorn2014]

The first time it was parental pressure, the second time it was guilt and remorse for how he treated her the first time he married her.

And his reasons for being in a r/s with you?

FF

Because he loves me and wants to be with me. I'm going to start a new topic about boundaries on the undecided board to deal with today's conversation.

[formflier]

Because he loves me and wants to be with me. I'm going to start a new topic about boundaries on the undecided board to deal with today's conversation.

Good... there are several different pieces to your story.  I'm trying to piece it together to understand.

Help me understand how that him wanting to be with you is a part of the reason you are together, yet (if I understand correctly) you guys have never lived together or in the same location.

In other words, you have always had a LDR.  Correct?

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF, that is correct and I'm getting ready to set that boundary we were talking about in one of my staying threads, "... .no filing, you let him know you will talk to him in week for the purpose of seeing if he has filed yet, and for the next week he gets no communication from you at all, despite his repeated attempts to call, text and otherwise communicate".

Things dysregulated yesterday after I asked him to have his lawyer call me and he said no.

[formflier]

 

 

The relationships that we have found ourselves involved in are complicated.  Peeling them apart, and sorting out our values can be a confusing process.

Hang in there... .

I've been doing this for a while now.  My r/s is DRAMATICALLY better.  Usually those changes for the better came after I identified a core value of MINE that I was going to protect.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Formflier wrote

I've been doing this for a while now.  My r/s is DRAMATICALLY better.  Usually those changes for the better came after I identified a core value of MINE that I was going to protect.

Thank you for this. I guess I am trying to protect my core value of truthfulness. Things are getting really messy and ugly now as I alluded to in my other thread. My fiancé is now telling me I'm abusive, I'm a bully, I'm putting things on him, I only value him for the bridge he creates between me and my daughter, I'll have my piece of paper and that's it. I can't take this anymore. I need to be able to walk away from this.

[formflier]

 

Unicorn2014,

One other thing I have thought of to mention to you.

pwBPD have chaos in their lives and their minds.  Typically that means they search out someone "strong" that will resist the silliness in their lives.

They "need" a strong person to stand up to them... .even as they claim they don't like to be stood up to.

I am convinced that one of the reasons my r/s is better is that once I respected myself and my values and boundaries aligned with that respect, that my wife (while claiming she didn't like it) actually started respecting me too.

Now, in your relationship, my guess is that you are involved with a guy that is out of control in the "whoppers" that he tells to get by in his life.  Call them "lies"  "partial truths"... .whatever.

While he dysregulates when you push back... .deep down it's actually what he really needs.  Even if he doesn't admit it.

Does any of this "fit" with what you see in your r/s? 

In other words, upholding values on truthfulness is good for you... .AND HIM.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Formflier, I don't know what's going on. After initial pushback my partner left me alone. He left the door open for me to contact him and said he wouldn't bother me. I realized the thing that pushed me over the edge was not finding out that there was no filing online, but him telling me no when I asked him to have his current lawyer or his new lawyer call me. I do not like being told no and I do not know if I can live with that in my relationship. It feels too much like a father/daughter relationship to me and I do not like that.

[formflier]

 

There has obviously been no filing... .it seems like we accept that as "fact" now.

How would you view things if there was no lawyer... .?

FF

[Daniell85]

I am not surprised that he said no about his attorney contacting you. I have found my boyfriend to be very secretive and controlling when he wasn't being straight with me.

Your fiancé is probably having a bit of an existential burst. So he is going to be saying things like what he said to you.

I am curious, alongside formflier

It sounds like your fiancé may be stuck on some guilt issue with his ex/wife, since he went back to her once before out of guilt and shame. My boyfriend has been worked silly with his family using guilt and shame to get him to do things he didn't want to do. It's really twisted him up in a lot of ways.

[unicorn2014]

There has obviously been no filing... .it seems like we accept that as "fact" now.

How would you view things if there was no lawyer... .?

FF

I can not prove that there was or was  not a filing, I can not prove that there is or is not a lawyer. The only things I know for sure is there no divorce filing posted in the legal system and when I asked my partner if he would have his lawyer call me he told me no. Everything else is speculation. If I found out there was no lawyer I would probably leave the relationship.

[Turkish]

Formflier, I don't know what's going on. After initial pushback my partner left me alone. He left the door open for me to contact him and said he wouldn't bother me. I realized the thing that pushed me over the edge was not finding out that there was no filing online, but him telling me no when I asked him to have his current lawyer or his new lawyer call me. I do not like being told no and I do not know if I can live with that in my relationship. It feels too much like a father/daughter relationship to me and I do not like that.

So you feel like it's F/D, the way he's treating you?

I see it as M/S in a way as well, the ages aside. Neither is healthy. I've been in these dynamics with both my Ex, and also my BPD mom. There tends to be resentment on both sides. Anger, hurt.

The current situation has you both off balance. Retreating, reacting. Not good. Can it be stepped back so that you both don't feel threatened? The legal boundary is that you can't marry. The personal boundary might be that you continue in a LDR until he sets his "house" in order. You can be firm, but with no accusations or demands. Let things cool. Can you step back like this?

[unicorn2014]

I am not surprised that he said no about his attorney contacting you. I have found my boyfriend to be very secretive and controlling when he wasn't being straight with me.

Your fiancé is probably having a bit of an existential burst. So he is going to be saying things like what he said to you.

I am curious, alongside formflier

It sounds like your fiancé may be stuck on some guilt issue with his ex/wife, since he went back to her once before out of guilt and shame. My boyfriend has been worked silly with his family using guilt and shame to get him to do things he didn't want to do. It's really twisted him up in a lot of ways.

I asked my partner if there was a lawyer. I told him I could not confirm that there was a filing or a lawyer. I told him that he should want to allay my concerns. I told him that if he wants to be in a relationship with me he knows what he needs to do. I also told him that I was not leaving him because he keeps on accusing me of breaking up with him. He's also threatening to go no contact with me. This is crazy and out of control. He says he doesn't feel guilt and shame for leaving his wife because he says he was never married.

[Turkish]

I am not surprised that he said no about his attorney contacting you. I have found my boyfriend to be very secretive and controlling when he wasn't being straight with me.

Your fiancé is probably having a bit of an existential burst. So he is going to be saying things like what he said to you.

I am curious, alongside formflier

It sounds like your fiancé may be stuck on some guilt issue with his ex/wife, since he went back to her once before out of guilt and shame. My boyfriend has been worked silly with his family using guilt and shame to get him to do things he didn't want to do. It's really twisted him up in a lot of ways.

I asked my partner if there was a lawyer. I told him I could not confirm that there was a filing or a lawyer. I told him that he should want to allay my concerns. I told him that if he wants to be in a relationship with me he knows what he needs to do. I also told him that I was not leaving him because he keeps on accusing me of breaking up with him. He's also threatening to go no contact with me. This is crazy and out of control. He says he doesn't feel guilt and shame for leaving his wife because he says he was never married.

This is signalng two different things to him. "I won't be in the r/s if... ." and "I'm not breaking up with you [no matter what?]"

This sounds confusing. To a pwBPD, very much so.

[unicorn2014]

So you feel like it's F/D, the way he's treating you?

Yes, we used to have a DD/lg r/s, in fact he used to tell me "I'm your daddy, I'm your father, I'm your dada." When it became obvious how severe his BPD was I realized that was not a good r/s for us to be in.

I see it as M/S in a way as well, the ages aside. Neither is healthy. I've been in these dynamics with both my Ex, and also my BPD mom. There tends to be resentment on both sides. Anger, hurt.

Yes, my partner made a snarky remark about me being his mommy yesterday when I asked him to have his lawyer call me. I agree that neither is healthy, but the M/s dynamic is worse because he wants to be the one in control, the dominant partner. We've had many discussions about submission in a r/s. My partner claims he does not feel resentment and he does not have misplaced anger. It is really hard to deal with.

The current situation has you both off balance. Retreating, reacting. Not good. Can it be stepped back so that you both don't feel threatened? The legal boundary is that you can't marry. The personal boundary might be that you continue in a LDR until he sets his "house" in order. You can be firm, but with no accusations or demands. Let things cool. Can you step back like this?

My partner is insisting on moving out to my state without his house being in order. This reminds me of what happened when he decided to withdraw his divorce (that there is no record of it being filed in the first place) to file bankruptcy and I asked him not to do that. That explains the amount of conflict, he is being willful and not listening to me. I will thinking about what you're saying. I don't know how to resolve this.

[unicorn2014]

I am not surprised that he said no about his attorney contacting you. I have found my boyfriend to be very secretive and controlling when he wasn't being straight with me.

Your fiancé is probably having a bit of an existential burst. So he is going to be saying things like what he said to you.

I am curious, alongside formflier

It sounds like your fiancé may be stuck on some guilt issue with his ex/wife, since he went back to her once before out of guilt and shame. My boyfriend has been worked silly with his family using guilt and shame to get him to do things he didn't want to do. It's really twisted him up in a lot of ways.

I asked my partner if there was a lawyer. I told him I could not confirm that there was a filing or a lawyer. I told him that he should want to allay my concerns. I told him that if he wants to be in a relationship with me he knows what he needs to do. I also told him that I was not leaving him because he keeps on accusing me of breaking up with him. He's also threatening to go no contact with me. This is crazy and out of control. He says he doesn't feel guilt and shame for leaving his wife because he says he was never married.

This is signalng two different things to him. "I won't be in the r/s if... ." and "I'm not breaking up with you [no matter what?]"

This sounds confusing. To a pwBPD, very much so.

The situation is confusing. The one thing I can be clear on is I have not made the decision to leave the relationship. I do think I am sending him the wrong message by saying "I won't be in the relationship if... .", the real point is I am not comfortable with him moving out to my state without his house being in order and that is what this conflict is bringing to the surface. I don't think he wants to listen to me when I tell him I don't feel comfortable with him moving out to my state without his house being in order. He wants to do a geographic: leave his family, friends, business, hometown and start over in my state. He's been wanting to do that ever since he met me. In fact before he met me he was planning to move to some remote island. Before he met me he actually did move to a foreign country for a few years while still married, but without his wife.