It has been 12 months since I broke up with my exgf who had BPD. I knew nothing about BPD but certainly learned alot in the painful months following that. I also saw my ex hook up with someone else and went through that whole 'what if she gets better for the next person'. She didn't and they broke up and I had a quite moment of joy.
I then met a woman who seemed lovely. I thought I was quite vigilant about watching for red flags given my previous experience.
I got tricked and am back here again in the wake of a failed BPD relationship although I am in a much better position this time around. It was only 5 months of dating this time.
My first BPD relationship was with a Queen type who also had aspects of NPD. The most recent was a Waif, and that is what tricked me I think. Last week she just announced suddenly that she couldn't be in a relationship any more, despite us moving through the 'normal' markers of a relationship - meeting family and friends, taking small trips together, her saying the L word, generally making time for each other in our lives.
I started to experience the same extreme anxiety that I had after the first one and realised something was not right. I then went back over things in my head to identify the signs. Yep, they were there alright. I did subconsciously have my foot on the brake a little - I hadn't said I loved her and I continued spending time with my friends and doing my hobbies and interestes - which were all things that fell away in the first BPD r/s.
So here's what I should have tweaked to:
1. She outright told me that her ex thought she had BPD, and she couldn't read things on the internet about it because she found it very painful
. Lesson: if you listen properly to people, they will actually tell you things you should take notice of. I dismissed her telling me this because it sounded like her ex had BPD as well, and did some pretty awful things to her. I thought that because she thought that about herself, that she couldn't possibly have it... .
2. I almost broke up with her 2 months in because we were having a discussion and she just wasn't listening to me and kept pushing and pushing until I cried. I had a very stressful situation happen at work and had told her. When I said that what had happened was a red flag and I didn't know if I could continue the relationship she got angry with me saying she had welcomed me into her life and introduced me to all her famility and friends
. That's no reason not to break up by the way. I knew she was on depression medication and felt like it had somehow affected her behaviour during our interaction. Lesson: Don't assume reasons for people's behaviour and excuse it. See it for what it actually is and take note.
3. She was very complimentary: 'you're the nicest person I've ever met', kept in contact regularly but it was not excessive like the last one, rang me every night to talk (the last one couldn't talk on the phone. She said 'i love you' probably 2 months into the relationship but very regularly told me she missed me
4. She was adopted and therefore had some fairly significant abandonment issues
. She had found her birth mother who she kept in contact occassionally, but was still looking for her father.
5. I noticed at social activities such as her birthday party, it was as if I was not there.
This was very similar to my last BPD relationship. It's as if it is very hard work for them to keep the social mask on, so much that they can't also focus on making sure you are ok and enjoying yourself too, or give you any attention.
6. She dressed in a very 'ragamuffin' kind of way
. She regularly wore the same clothes which were sometimes a bit grotty. Sometimes she wore the shirt that she had slept in. Her house was very messy and whilst that is not an indicator of BPD, it's as if she couldn't face the mess and didn't have the energy to clean it up. I was trying not to be too judgemental because cleanliness is a very individual thing, and my last BPD was immaculate in her dressing style (that was the npd) and her house.
7. The very first night she slept over she was very ill vomiting and so dizzy she could not stand. She had the same amount to drink as what I had - five. She took two very strong painkillers.
Whilst there didn't seem to be any alcohol, excessive shopping, gambling or other addictions, I noticed that sometimes she would be in such a deep sleep that it was impossible to wake her. I could get up and do things and make noise and she wouldn't stir. We only ever slept together on weekends, so there was not alot of opportunity to observe this. I think she had an addiction to prescription drugs - perhaps painkillers of some type or sleeping tablets.
8. She told me that her ex gf whom she was with for 5 years did terrible things to her - lied, regularly went away on trips with others, ignored her and cut her out of her life. She said her ex had access to medication, and stole some anti-psychotics and 'made' her take them
. She told me she had to lie often in her last relationship because her ex had psychotic jealousy and she couldn't really be truthful about what she was doing. I also noticed though that she would often lie to her son - she would ring and say she was still at work when she was at my place
. Her friends say she is a very very private person and she opened up to me about some of the terrible things her ex put her through telling me she has never told anyone about those things. She got her ex gf's name tattooed on her in an attempt to get her to stay
. I believe her stories of her ex, but there are now some things I'm not so sure about.
9. After my last r/s, I was looking for any signs of negativity, nitpicking, raging that might start around the 4 month mark. There were none but we went away for her birthday and she was very sullen and withdrawn. When I pointed that out she apologised (something I thought no BPD could do but apparently Waifs are very good at apologising and it tricks you into thinking they have empathy and therefore can't have BPD) and said 'I always get like this on my birthday'
10. A very disturbing thing happened for my own birthday. It was also her son's and two of her friends' birthdays, and she was invited to their parties. She asked me to delay my own celebrations until the next week so we could go to those events. We got to the first event and after only 10 minutes she was complaining about the noise and we had to go outside. She seemed very restless and ended up asking if we could go back to my place. When we got there all she could do was sit there in silence. She wouldn't talk to me and ended up going home and sent me a text saying she wouldn't be back. So I sat at home by myself. I said I would like to be taken out for brunch for my birthday. The following day she sent me a text saying she would come over and cook me breakfast, but she didn't want any. I really didn't want to sit there eating by myself, so we just had a coffee and then she left without saying anything and I spent the remainder of my birthday alone. She sent me a text in the evening saying she'd hoped I was having a nice birthday dinner. I had nothing else arranged for that night and she knew that. What was also very odd was that she gave me a present which was a second hand item that she had bought for herself a few months earlier. There was no birthday card. She asked me what I would like and I said perfume, but ended up with that really odd present
.
11. She said me 'you can do anything you want to me' in bed.
This was the same statement my ex made.
Anyway last week I notice she had deleted all the future facebook event invites that she had sent to me, which was very odd, and had also deleted the invite to my birthday event. When I asked her why on text she didn't answer. She came around to my place a few days later and broke up with me although it was me who had to do the talking. All she could say was 'I need to be alone'. I said that was a fairly extreme decision that she had made without even discussing things with me and if she wanted time by herself, I could give her that and perhaps that would be better than just breaking up. When I asked her why this was happening she said she can't tell me.
So I have been in a hyper state of anxiety for the last week about why when things were going so well, and that we had made future plans together (plane tickets for a trip) and she had introduced me to her friends and family, that she would so suddenly cut things off without even explaining.
And then it dawned on me like a big smack in the face.
Once I thought back through all the signs and realised she probably was BPD, I actually felt much better. I have told her we won't be in contact anymore, and have spent some lovely time with friends. I made myself a 10 day plan to do things that are good for me to get me back on track.
I guess the biggest lesson is you should really listen to what people are telling you and make sure you observe carefully when dating new people. Really take note of anything that seems a bit off/odd/unusual because it is telling you something. Don't dismiss things. I was pleased that I did take my time on this relationship and not overcommit early or rush in, and I think that will make all the difference in getting over this.
The other lesson is to be aware of the different types of BPD - not everyone will rage or be mean or belittling. The Waif variety are very very easy to sneak under the radar when you are dating, because they seem so kind at first and don't have the nasty behaviours that the Queen or Witch type have.
Realising that she showed lots of BPD traits has now made it much easier to let this go. I am suprised that I am not even worried about there being potentially someone else on her dating radar. I think I learned alot from my first BPD relationship, and this experience has now just taught me again. I am actually really pleased she called it off when she did. I dodged a bullet although I think if she kept withdrawing the way she did, I would have been inclined to walk away much sooner than I previously might have, before I knew about BPD.
The other observation is that there really is so much mental illness in gay and lesbian communities - I don't have any statistics to be able to compare but it seems like every second person has BPD / depression or something else.
Time to be single again for a while, and get back into enjoying my life.
