How do you get your mind off your ex?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do you keep yourself from thinking about your ex, reminiscing about all the good times, and ruminating about what you could be doing differently?

When I'm keeping busy and feeling okay, I have really very little desire to maintain any sort of contact with her... .but then especially at night, I get really sad and start wanting to call her, tell her it's a break while she tries the DBT and not a total breakup, go see her because I know she would hold me and comfort me, invite her on a fun adventure, etc. Although I think that's all a terrible idea and I've been resisting the urge so far, I'm still miserable.

I've been trying to watch funny TV that's not about romantic relationships - any recommendations?

The best I've felt was probably driving down the road listening to music, but can't do that all day. Though I did plan a road trip to visit a friend in a couple weeks 

I'm living in a new place with a bunch of nice parks, restaurants, etc that I was excited to explore. But I can't shake the thought that it would be more fun with her, I'd love to bring her here, etc. We really had a lot of fun together most of the time  :'(

There are a bunch of things around the house that need done, but I'm too sad to do them because she always did the laundry and took out the trash. Especially because the trash was hard for me with my disability, which is another tough thing to deal with now.

Going to sleep is especially hard... .we lived together for two years and then after we moved to different places I would call her every night. I've been taking something to sleep but it leaves me kind of drowsy the next day so I can't take it the night before work.

Anyways... .I'm sure you've all been here with trying to detach and start/maintain NC. What's worked for you?

[thisagain]

How do you keep yourself from thinking about your ex, reminiscing about all the good times, and ruminating about what you could be doing differently?

When I'm keeping busy and feeling okay, I have really very little desire to maintain any sort of contact with her... .but then especially at night, I get really sad and start wanting to call her, tell her it's a break while she tries the DBT and not a total breakup, go see her because I know she would hold me and comfort me, invite her on a fun adventure, etc. Although I think that's all a terrible idea and I've been resisting the urge so far, I'm still miserable.

I've been trying to watch funny TV that's not about romantic relationships - any recommendations?

The best I've felt was probably driving down the road listening to music, but can't do that all day. Though I did plan a road trip to visit a friend in a couple weeks 

I'm living in a new place with a bunch of nice parks, restaurants, etc that I was excited to explore. But I can't shake the thought that it would be more fun with her, I'd love to bring her here, etc. We really had a lot of fun together most of the time  :'(

There are a bunch of things around the house that need done, but I'm too sad to do them because she always did the laundry and took out the trash. Especially because the trash was hard for me with my disability, which is another tough thing to deal with now.

Going to sleep is especially hard... .we lived together for two years and then after we moved to different places I would call her every night. I've been taking something to sleep but it leaves me kind of drowsy the next day so I can't take it the night before work.

Anyways... .I'm sure you've all been here with trying to detach and start/maintain NC. What's worked for you?

[enlighten me]

At night I fall asleep with the telly on and the timer set.

I bought game consoles for me and my sons so hit them hard during the quiet times.

I watched that many films and tv shows I could get a job as a critic.

I sorted out my music collection on my computer. Filled in any blanks, labelled, grouped etc.

I planned projects in great detail. Spent hours working out how I would like my dream home to look and what fixtures and fittings it would have. I planned everything from ground source heating to water tanks for rain water collection.

Anything to take my mind of her.

[DaKid]

I am struggling with this almost word for word right now too. And I too would like for any and every tip too!

[Suspicious1]

I gave myself a date when I could contact him. If I still felt like this by that date (around 2-3 months time), then I would get in touch. Of course by then I'd moved on that bit further.

The time in between I worked on myself, learning about stuff like cbt. I found online elearning very useful.

[Teereese]

How do you keep yourself from thinking about your ex, reminiscing about all the good times, and ruminating about what you could be doing differently?

When I'm keeping busy and feeling okay, I have really very little desire to maintain any sort of contact with her... .but then especially at night, I get really sad and start wanting to call her, tell her it's a break while she tries the DBT and not a total breakup, go see her because I know she would hold me and comfort me, invite her on a fun adventure, etc. Although I think that's all a terrible idea and I've been resisting the urge so far, I'm still miserable.

I've been trying to watch funny TV that's not about romantic relationships - any recommendations?

The best I've felt was probably driving down the road listening to music, but can't do that all day. Though I did plan a road trip to visit a friend in a couple weeks 

I'm living in a new place with a bunch of nice parks, restaurants, etc that I was excited to explore. But I can't shake the thought that it would be more fun with her, I'd love to bring her here, etc. We really had a lot of fun together most of the time  :'(

There are a bunch of things around the house that need done, but I'm too sad to do them because she always did the laundry and took out the trash. Especially because the trash was hard for me with my disability, which is another tough thing to deal with now.

Going to sleep is especially hard... .we lived together for two years and then after we moved to different places I would call her every night. I've been taking something to sleep but it leaves me kind of drowsy the next day so I can't take it the night before work.

Anyways... .I'm sure you've all been here with trying to detach and start/maintain NC. What's worked for you?

I guess I am over my ustbxBPDh. I believe I mourned the relationship as it died. The divorce process has been ugly so I do have some anger and disappointment as issues come up.

I don't really reminisce or.miss him. I don't have the want, need or urge to contact him. I see him but it's like nothingness.

I keep busy with work and my daughters. Most nights, I am beat and just fall out.for the night. I will say, I have slept better since he has been gone.

[cyclistIII]

Me too! And I find the worst times for me is when I manage to stop thinking about him for a couple of days (or at least less constantly) and I think I'm "cured," but then it comes back again and then I feel even more helpless and hopeless... .I'm trying to just keep busy, spend time with friends, not contact him, and give it time.

Also though, I find it's very important not to judge myself for thinking about him, or to try to "fight" the thoughts, because it doesn't work and ends up making me feel worse.

Sometimes when the thoughts come I chant to myself "Accept and release," as in, accept the thoughts, accept the feelings, but also release them, give them permission to float away... .sounds kind of new age-y I guess but it seems to help, at least a little.

[thisagain]

Thanks for the suggestions / commiseration everyone   I hope the week at work makes it easier. And I like the "accept and release" idea.

I don't feel ready for NC yet (still kicking around the hope that her latest promise to get treatment will stick), but today she kept bragging on facebook about how happy she is and how much better she's feeling... .The smart rational part of me knows that it's either a lie or some sort of twisted effect of not having me around to remind her of how much she's messed up. But it still makes me worry that maybe she wasn't that bad and we could have made it work  :'( What do you tell yourself to get through all these feelings?

[Rameses]

Walk around with a recorder or paper and pen. And start to record every bad moment, event or feeling you can remember. Write down everything, not just the major blow ups, but every little instance that you felt that bewilderment, the confusion or that churning in your stomach. Try to be as specific as possible, pretend your writing a book. Then everytime you start longing for her, pull out your notes and remind yourself of the reality of the relationship.

This has been the best tool for me.

Workout at the gym... .not at home, the energy of others working out will keep you motivated.

Planet Fitness is $10 a month

Get a book called "THE HAPPINESS TRAP"... .amazing insight and a great therapy method, I HIGHLY recommend it!

Google "mindfulness"... .getting out of your head and into the present moment.

Welcome the pain, sit in it, don't try to numb it, feel it, accept it as your uncomfortable friend and trust it, it is the quickest road to healing.

And keep reading and posting here!

[Lostinkitimat]

I had a very hard time at first as well. but at the moment im painted black. this makes things a lot easier. my ex was relentless on texting me through out the day, inviting me over for dinner and movies. I slipped up and slept with her a couple times thinking I could handle nsa sex.it was like we were still in a relationship? but it started getting to me. whenever I start reminiscing I think of the bad times. the outbursts that seemingly came out of no where the emotional abuse the friends we had to let go of because of some perceived wronging of my ex. since we haven't talked in a month or so more things have come up little things that I swept under the carpet that weren't o.k but at the time I overlooked.

I guess for me seeing things for what they really were, reading others experiences on here has left me feeling like I was tricked, like our whole relationship was a lie? im probably still in the anger phase. im angry at the lack of accountability, how she could sleep with someone 2 days after an argument as if our marriage meant nothing to her? I feel like the person I fell in love with isn't there. and probably never was I was baited in by a mask, and once she had me the mask was removed?

it still isn't easy... .but the reasons above help. I will never subject myself to that again. I deserve better...

[purekalm]

I agree just about wholeheartedly with Rameses. In my situation I've had to detach myself while still living with my husband. Uh yeah, it's extremely hard. He's right there you know. And I know him. It'd only take a tiny encouragement from me to be with him again in any capacity, but I just can't.

Every time I look at him and remember the good times, remember how close we were at one point and I start to think of the what ifs? and go through my mind about how I could have done this and that better and maybe I made it like this and it doesn't have to be so bad... . 

As soon as I start down that road I instantly playback the worst of what he's done to me and his less than acceptable reaction to his heinous crap. I remind myself that he could hardly ever come up with any reasons to love me. I think about how he's less than a father to our son. All the lies, the ignoring, mistreatment, pure craziness.

I don't do it to hate him, but to remind myself how dangerous a thought like that is. What I would continue to go through if I chose to act on my feelings. The pain I would go through all over again for reaching out to him, when I know I'll just fall hard on my face again, totally bewildered wondering what the heck happened. He tries to act normal to reel me in and then once he has me on the hook he throws me back in like he never wanted me in the first place. My heart can't take that pain again and again and again anymore.

My son keeps me plenty busy but if I didn't have him I'd do like the others and keep myself stuck in books, games, movies and anything and everything until the pain and longing lessened. For me, the good times just aren't good enough, no matter how good they were, to put myself back in that place. For me, I just can't.

[thisagain]

Thanks for the tips, everyone! It was easier at work today, I even forgot about her entirely for a few hours while I was with clients. And I have visits with friends lined up for the next two weekends.

Does anyone else have this problem? I feel like I spent so much time in the Staying mindset that even replaying all the worst things doesn't really stop me missing her. She said and did some terrible things throughout our two years together, but I consciously decided to stay with her and try to make it work despite all that.

Just over the past month or so, I couldn't handle the almost weekly breakup/recycles and delusional accusations. She was so dysregulated that the only option was walking on eggshells (believe me I tried all the tools but the tiniest bit of boundary, truth, or me having my own idea about anything would set her off). And that was threatening to undo some hard-earned progress I'd made at overcoming FOO issues. But replaying those memories just makes me sadder, because it's sad that our relationship was ruined by her projections and delusions.

She's flirting with a likely replacement now, which also just makes me sad.

The worst is going to bed without her here to wrap me in her arms. She only spent one night in my new apartment after the move, so luckily I don't have actual memories of her here, but I still keep imagining her here holding me. And I kept thinking that I wanted to move to a nice area and make my apartment really nice for her to visit... .now I'm just surrounded by a pile of empty moving boxes and trash.

[cyclistIII]

Does anyone else have this problem?

If you mean missing and still thinking about your ex, I'm fairly certain nearly everyone else has this problem, even if BPD is not an issue. It is the nature of loss. Give it time.