Confused and feel trapped.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm semi new here

I have visited this site before and now am pretty sure that my husband has BPD traits. I sometimes feel close to him and he seems compassionate for about 5 minutes until the conversation can be switched back to something that pertains to his own personal angst or hardships. He sees himself as a victim of the world and appears to take no action despite constant promises to change or complaints of his own low self esteem

He is in therapy and does not contribute in a significant way to his or his own expenses despite having kids with me.

The problem is that I feel alone in my marriage and have no one to talk with at the end of a day. I love to work out and haven't made time for this. I've stopped wanting to hang out with friends and prefer when he is not home. The kids are constantly complaining about him lying or acting unreasonable. We will agree on a parenting course of action. As soon as I leave for work he will change the rules for no logical reason besides it serves him. I vascillate between extreme anger (like wanting to kick him like im in a tied game with one last penalty shot), feeling sorry for him and over responsible, and sometimes I do enjoy him. How can I have such extreme different reactions to the same person. I fantasize how it would be to be with a man who could pay all of his own bills and who could actually ask me a personal question or two. He will go out of his way running errands for me but has the emotional maturity of a first grader. I'm soo confused. 

[Soccerchic7]

I'm semi new here

I have visited this site before and now am pretty sure that my husband has BPD traits. I sometimes feel close to him and he seems compassionate for about 5 minutes until the conversation can be switched back to something that pertains to his own personal angst or hardships. He sees himself as a victim of the world and appears to take no action despite constant promises to change or complaints of his own low self esteem

He is in therapy and does not contribute in a significant way to his or his own expenses despite having kids with me.

The problem is that I feel alone in my marriage and have no one to talk with at the end of a day. I love to work out and haven't made time for this. I've stopped wanting to hang out with friends and prefer when he is not home. The kids are constantly complaining about him lying or acting unreasonable. We will agree on a parenting course of action. As soon as I leave for work he will change the rules for no logical reason besides it serves him. I vascillate between extreme anger (like wanting to kick him like im in a tied game with one last penalty shot), feeling sorry for him and over responsible, and sometimes I do enjoy him. How can I have such extreme different reactions to the same person. I fantasize how it would be to be with a man who could pay all of his own bills and who could actually ask me a personal question or two. He will go out of his way running errands for me but has the emotional maturity of a first grader. I'm soo confused. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Soccerchic7 and welcome to the family!

Those definitely sound like BPD traits you are describing. I'm glad you took the time to come and post here. Being in a r/s with a pwBPD can definitely be isolating, in fact it is one of the techniques pwBPD use to victimize their spouses and/or partners. Have you ever read the book stop walking on eggshells?

[Soccerchic7]

Sadly I have read a lot of literature on the subject and can easily spot it in others. However I kept making excuses for my husband thinking it was depression and trauma. Depression and trauma may be present but no medication worked and it doesn't explain weird illogical behavior. I don't know how to respond when my kids ask me to leave. They hate being around him seriously due to crazy making behavior. One minute everything is fine. The minute a friend comes over he begins demanding they shower right then or they need to get ready to eat (bizarre timing and a way to make it uncomfortable for others to be around). I wish I could leave but feel overly attached and responsible. Eye yiyi. This is not how other husbands are right?  Can most men take responsibility for themselves. I feel like my compass is off and I don't know what is acceptable reasonable behavior any more.

[unicorn2014]

Hi soccer chic , I'm so glad you found your way to BPD family! Your perceptions are not wrong, your husband is acting odd, and that is BPD behavior. Unfortunately medication can not treat BPD, only a long term therapy called dbt has been shown to be successful. However it is possible for you to detach with love from the drama. Have you done much reading on the disorder?