Can we just be friends already?

[jinnymvp]

Or is it even really possible? See the thing I am struggling with is the fact that he wasn't completely horrible, hear me out. His symptoms weren't severe. He only called me names once and usually didn't yell or disrespect me. The manipulating wasn't heavy and lies were of things so he could avoid conflict because he hates it, no excuse for lying but still. Mostly I was dealing with someone who made me feel lonely and unfulfilled when I was with them... .

His main struggle was with depression. It was present a majority of the time. Anxiety was also prevalent, and his "self-identity" wasn't present according to him at times. He got very lazy in the relationship I think because he was so fixated on himself. He had an overwhelming fear of rejection with anything it seemed like. He had an awful habit of over analyzing and worrying about everything due to his ocd. So I was cut short of proper treatment in the relationship. He didn't love himself.

Now I did my fair share too, I have major trust issues that are very unhealthy. However, I always had this nagging gut feeling like it wasn't meant to be or this wasn't what I wanted so perhaps that was my self-sabotaging self-defense mechanism to get out of there. I sometimes wonder that because I sort of did it with my last boyfriend. I mean he literally could do nothing right through my eyes. We would have deep draining talks all the time and it was mostly about him and his behavior.

I don't want to be that person. I don't want to nag people and make them feel horrible about themselves that isn't who I am. Anyways, I have been kinda guilty about that, pushing people away I am good at it. It is like I wanted to be close to him, but I didn't. Holding him with one hand and shoving him back with another, what is wrong with me?

So yeah, in this circumstance... Is it possible to be friends at all?

[Marshmellow]

Wow! U problems and relationship sounded just like mine.

I suppose if he were a higher functioning one, yes... But who left who?

I'm going through the same thing... my ex BPD is not DX but all the markers are present. I left mine, over a month ago... and we talk briefly... occasionally after I went NC.

I need him as a friend now... because we were friends too... as I'm in a deep depression over something else... When he was normal... he was a great guy... u just never knew from day to day... Can u give me a little more info on the break up... and I'll go from there trying to help u... ,

[jinnymvp]

a little more info on the break up

I am glad someone understands! Ok so we broke up a total of 3 solid times with a couple in between when I was trying to get out. I went to another state to see him after not seeing him for 80 days (the whole summer) and the trip wasn't what we were expecting. We were just arguing and he wasn't as excited to see me as I thought he'd be and that is when he tried to explain to me that sometimes he feels very distant as if someone is living his life for him and he doesn't know who. Like he can't really feel at times, that is scary and I just felt jipped as selfish to put it. One of our worst fights when I was visiting at the end of the summer which was 3 weeks ago, he called me a b****, slept outside and then I found cut marks on him... .That really scared me and it was just then I realized how deep this disorder really ran even though he is running around rampaging outward, he pulls it all inward which effected the both of us. I couldn't stop crying that day I seen his cuts, I didn't want to trigger his symptoms. I wanted to stay and hold on for him to get help because I am the caretaker (which I am working on) but I knew I couldn't and I knew that he was going to have to do it all himself. It just wasn't right, and half the time I was wishing that we were just friends while I was over there because that would mean less expectations and a whole different dynamic to our interactions that I felt would be over all healthier. Idk. Man I miss him, be I don't want to be sucked into the vortex. I feel like I need to heal fully. But it is like I have no one steady to talk to like I talked to him all the time and the essence of time is really sinking in... .its not as bad as withdrawals and I am not longing to have him back, just to talk to him yaknow. However, that is kinda where it started in the past and we ended up prematurely getting back together. I don't want that this time though.