Sorting out feelings for my BPD sister - Hate to use the word hate

[Naughty Nibbler]

I'm currently conflicted in regard to my actual feelings for my uBPD sister.  I definitely don't like her, almost sure I now lack love for her and I'm struggling with the word "hate".

We currently have limited contact.  It would be NC if it wasn't for the need to take care of trust issues with my deceased parents estate (both passed within the last 12 months).

I started counseling to process the grief of losing both parents and the stress of dealing with my sister.  It was after a few weeks of counseling that the topic of BPD and my sister came up.  At first, I thought I could  use some of the tools to deal with her, but that hope disappeared after her last explosive rage event.  At this point, I'm not able to use the suggested skills and justify her behavior as "mental illness".  She won't get counseling.

I'm struggling with guilt.  I know it is wrong to hate someone.  Anyone else struggling with their feelings towards the BPD in their life?  Maybe with the passage of time, I'll some day be able to share a meal with her and talk about the weather (or some other superficial topic that she can act pleasant over). Right now I cringe at the though of dealing with her in any regard.

[Kwamina]

Hi Naughty Nibbler

Dealing with a BPD family-member can be very difficult indeed. I have an uBPD mom and sis and can relate to your current struggles with your own feelings towards your sister.

BPD is a disorder and one way of looking at it is that the mind of people with BPD is wired very differently from non-disordered people. As a result they tend to behave in a way we experience as problematic. The fact that they are wired differently, however doesn't excuse their behavior or form a justification for abusing another person. We can still hold our BPD family-members accountable for their actions and choices, including an unwillingness to seek help. What we of course can't hold them accountable for, is the fact that they have BPD in the first place, because that isn't something they chose for.

Feelings are real, no matter how positive or negative they are. When it comes to your feelings, for me there is no wrong or right here when dealing with such a difficult disorder as BPD.

Dealing with abusive behaviors and rages is very unpleasant. When did that last explosive rage event happen? What led up to this event, did your sister give any motivation for behaving this way?

You are already dealing with so much right now, you've lost both parents within 12 months which is very tough. I think it's totally understandable that you at this particular time would find it extra difficult dealing with your sister. To protect your own well-being it is sometimes necessary to take certain (drastic) steps and to distance yourself from certain people, especially abusive people. This doesn't have to last forever, but in my opinion it's definitely wise to always be very mindful of protecting your own well-being.

[lstar]

Naughty Nibbler,

One of my close friends has a very similar problem; her father died 6 months ago and her mother needs lots of care, so she needs to keep in almost constant contact with her mentally ill sister (been diagnosed and hospitalized for depression, hallucinations, and psychotic behavior (can't remember exact).  My friend stopped taking phone calls from this particular sister, and won't be in the same house alone with sis and mom (sis has convinced mom that my friend is trying to manipulate her (mom)).  My friend communicates with this sister only via email - and cc's another sib for support.  You stand hardly a chance at having a supportive loving relationship with your sister - when she needs to rage and attack, she will have to.  And it appears you are her target.  You likely always will be.  Hate is just another emotion, maybe covering a more vulnerable one, maybe covering grief, maybe not.  Shift your focus on "I shouldn't hate her" to "I need to protect myself". My BPD mom has lead my sister to believe that I am no good - that I am a very bad sister and daughter, and my sister has swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.  This has occurred even though my sister is not BPD.  Anyway, do you love your sister at all?  If so, you could sign your emails "love". That could alleviate some of your guilt, even if it's strained love.  You might be able to find some love for her if you don't speak to her for a while - just a couple weeks even.  You may feel you MUST speak to her.  But no, there are other ways to communicate.  You could send her an email telling her you're having a nervous breakdown and need some rest - that you're switching to emails only for a while.  And that you turn off you mind at 5 pm.  Closing time.  You can only limit her aggression toward you by staying away from her.  You have a lot of stress going on right now that could truly lead you to a nervous breakdown... .so you're not exactly lying to her.  In the olden days, people were sent "to the countryside or to the seaside for some rest".  We don't do that anymore - but we damn well should!  Do you have a good husband or some close friends or loving dogs that you could find shelter and love in?  Take care and take a break.  I am so sorry for your loss... .it may hurt worse to lose a living sibling than dead parents, I think.

[exodus]

I touched on this in another thread a while back, and I think for a lot of us a big part of this worrying about whether or not we have the "right" feelings is just another leftover of being put under a microscope during our formative years.  Even our thoughts and feelings were constantly being put on trial by bad parents so we learn to deny or suppress all the emotions they deemed unfavorable (like the ones that didn't lend themselves to perpetuating their self-serving false image of family togetherness).  Unfortunately when you carry on like this for so long it's hard to break the habit, and for a long time I didn't even recognize it.

But as I said in the other thread, there's a lot of confusion of terms in popular culture that just makes things even worse for us.  We know you're supposed to love your parents/family/whoever and I don't disagree.  However where many get it wrong is buying into the insidious and increasingly popular notion that "love" just means warm fuzzy feelings, so they put the cart before the horse and try to control their own feelings or stage certain (often unappreciated and totally counterproductive) outward gestures toward the person they're trying to convince themselves they have so much "love" for.  All this in some futile attempt to relieve all the false guilt they've needlessly chosen to heap upon themselves... .sheer insanity.

As far as "hate" is concerned, I don't see this as a feeling at all but an act of the will.  Myself, I have nothing but negative feelings like disgust and resentment toward my relatives and I'm totally fine with it.  On the other hand it would be crossing the line into genuine hatred if, for example, I set the intention in my mind to get back at them somehow (which doesn't sound even remotely like what you're doing).  In turn, love doesn't mean "warm fuzzy feelings or die trying" - it means desiring the best for the other person.  However it sounds like you've come to the same realization I have, that unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make that other person share the same desire for recovery.  At this point all you can do is limit her any further opportunities to damage your own health and spirit as best you can.  There's nothing at all here you deserve to be guilt-tripped over.

[Linda Maria]

Hi Naughty Nibbler!  I can totally relate to your feelings.  I too have a uBPDsis, who really only turned on me big time 2 years ago just after my Mum died.  All the usual stuff, horrible lies, smear campaign, an attempt to drag my kids into it, and then, when I just stopped responding and trying to make things right, mainly silence, apart from the odd vile letter or text.  Like you - we had to sort out my Mum's estate, and she made it a nightmare, refusing to agree on anything, I had to start court proceedings, and there are still some loose ends to tie up.  I felt guilty for a long time - and I don't know why - as I never did her any harm, and never did anything wrong - we had a difference of opinion on something one day to do with the estate - and BAM!  she started coming out with some really nasty accusations that were completely unfounded, but as is often the case with BPD, also completely nonsensical, which left me reeling.  For a long time, when the smear campaign and madness were at their worst, I really thought I would go mad when letter after letter full of lies just kept coming.  Going NC as far as possible, and using a solicitor to keep distance between us, and expose the behaviour for what it was is what saved me.  Now - I don't feel angry any more, although she has caused me a lot of pain (and money!) and has stopped me getting part of my inheritance.  I still feel guilty sometimes, because I don't like to think of her struggling through life alone (she is single, no kids), I feel guilty that the people she is no doubt still lying to about me might believe some of it - and I feel guilty because I know my Mum and Dad (also passed away 20 years ago) would be horrified by this.  I don't think I hate her, but I would not be a room alone with her.  Until the legal side is completely finished, I still have to deal with it, which I find exhausting, but I just have to remember that 2 years ago I thought I would never survive the nightmare, but you can get through these things.  I wish you well.  JB

[Needless2say]

 

Naughty:  My uBPD sister and I had a blow out a few weeks ago.  We had been totally NC for a long time and then Mom got sick.  Her BS started the second she saw me.  Then one day she just started acting up but for the first time instead of taking it, I blew up.  She ran away but then the next day turned everyone against me.  Usual behavior for her but we are usually alone when it happens.  This time our niece witnessed everything.  The girl said:  You need to stop fighting because you know you love each other.  I looked her straight in the eye and asked her not to speak for me.  She said, but you love her, don't you?  No, I don't.

People who constantly hurt people for no other reason than to be right are not capable of loving.  Giving or receiving.  I am so tired of being hurt, manipulated, controlled.  I would rather walk away from everyone else in my family or origin than have to deal with her for another minute of my life. 

I don't hate her, but I don't love her either.  I feel nothing for her. 

 

Do not guilt yourself into 'she's single and has no one'.  That is on her not you.  If you let her manipulate you into that way of thinking you will never be free of her and you need to be because she's crazy.  Good Luck!