Researching BPD...who in your exBPD's life did it?

[SummerStorm]

Back in June, my former friend BPD was diagnosed formally with BPD.  At the time, she was living with her now ex-boyfriend.  She called me from the hospital right after her diagnosis and told me to research, and I did.  Since then, I haven't stopped researching it.  A week after she got out of the hospital, she ended our friendship, and when I told her ex-boyfriend, he replied, "Ugh.  I don't know why she would do that."  I said, "Look up her disorder.  You need to understand what she does and why she does it."  Less than two months later, a month before she was supposed to move across the country with him, my ffBPD broke up with him and proceeded to pack up all of her stuff.  She resumed contact with me for a month, before discarding me again.  The next day, I texted her ex.  A few days ago, I asked him if he ever read up on BPD, and he said, "No, not really."   

Now, this guy is pretty nice and also has zero boundaries, which is why he was able to be her doormat for six months.  And he's young (23) and also not that educated.  But he also had information that none of her other (many) exes had, a formal diagnosis, and he chose to do nothing with this information.  He chose to keep thinking that her rages were some side effect of the pot she was smoking.  He still has no idea what idealization/devaluation, abandonment/engulfment, dissociation, etc. are.  He had no idea what type of therapy she would need and how long it would take for her to recover.  He thought he was going to move across the country with her, she was going to start therapy, and everything was just going to be great within a few weeks.  I totally understand when he gets mad and calls her names and sends her angry texts, but at the same time, I feel like saying, ":)ude, she was right about you.  You really are oblivious to the world around you.  Try reading something other than your Facebook feed every once in a while."  I find myself having much more sympathy for her than for him because she has a mental illness and can't help it.  A month after their break up, she was still able to enter his home when he wasn't there.  She ended up stealing a bunch of cash from him, and while I understand his anger, he's also incredibly stupid for keeping hundreds of dollars of cash lying around and trusting his exgfBPD to just come in, get her mail, and then leave. 

So, my question is really for the people who were dating someone who was formally diagnosed.  Other than you, how many other people who know about your ex's diagnosis actually took the time to read about it?  Is mental illness such a stigma that people take an "out of sight, out of mind" approach to it when someone close to them is diagnosed?  I have all of the sympathy in the world for people who are on here learning about BPD, but I have zero sympathy for people who know about their loved one's disorder and don't learn about it.   

[Pretty Woman]

I think I am the only ex that figured out what this was.

Does that mean I am healthier? Smarter? I wouldn't say that. I do think I am "aware" even when I venture into murky waters. I should have trusted my gut instinct. I knew from the begining something was not normal with her.

About three months into our relationship she flipped out and called me a "ahole". Whatever we were talking about was so insignificant the "ahole" comment set me off. I proceeded to tell her to get out of my home and give me back my house key. I actually had boundaries at the beginning... .who knew?

Why she had my house key after three months? Yeah that was stupid. I haven't dated much and I am going to use that excuse in this case.

She ran off crying "you can't break up with me"... .a 40 year old woman. I was 37 at the time.

I remember standing on my porch watching her drive off with my key thinking, "What the F is wrong with this person?"

I knew this was not normal.

But she came back crying and told me about being abused as a child. I felt badly for this person.

I am an empath. I always have been. People, animals... .I can feel their pain deeply. I've always been like this so shutting it off is hard. It's when my ex kept doing weird things that I started to google search for answers.

"circular arguments"

"passive aggressive"

"multiple break ups"

That's where I learned about BPD. Then when I read the history of people with this disorder and saw almost verbatim the same patterns... .

I knew this could not be a coincidence.

I can say my ex is done with me but she is a returner. She has contacted exes years later. Even the adoptive parents of her son. They wrote her off six years ago and she recently tried to contact them via Facebook (to catch up) and they blocked her. She has NO friends. She finds people from HS on FB and friends them. She never gets together with these people. It's all a facade.

It's truly sad but she is dangerous. She is impulsive and doesn't remember things. When she was dissasociating she attacked me... .called me sobbing that night that she couldn't live without me... .

next day she threatened a restraining order and went back to an ex.

She actually had the audacity to tell people I have violent mood swings and she was "afraid for her life". Frustrated. Yes. Mood swings... .no.

I am now five months out of the "BPD Vortex". I still think about her everyday but life is getting back to normal. I too was called "overdramatic" and an "emotional rollercoaster"... .

I am none of these things. . This has been the calmest time of my life... .at least in the last four years! It's actually... .er boring. But in a calm FUNCTIONAL way. I think I missed the chaos a bit. This is why I have been filling my life up with activity. Keeping busy seems to take the edge off of all this.

 

[SummerStorm]

I think I am the only ex that figured out what this was.

Does that mean I am healthier? Smarter? I wouldn't say that. I do think I am "aware" even when I venture into murky waters. I should have trusted my gut instinct. I knew from the begining something was not normal with her.

I think the thing that gets me is that he continued to make stupid decisions even after she was diagnosed.  Moving across the country with someone you've known for six months, who was just diagnosed with BPD after a suicide attempt, is a recipe for disaster.  Not to mention the fact that she still had access to his house after they broke up.  He was planning on possibly marrying this girl and moving 3,000 miles away with her, but he never even bothered to fully inform himself about what he was getting into.  To me, that is pure ignorance.  Yes, he has every right to be angry at her for deciding not to move with him and for breaking up with him a month before they were supposed to move, but at the same time, he was still making decisions based on the girl he knew at the beginning, and she doesn't exist.  He was making decisions with no knowledge of abandonment and engulfment fears.  As soon as she said she was moving, I told everyone, "Yeah, that's not going to happen.  Her engulfment fears will kick in."  And guess what?  Three weeks later, I got a text from her, telling me that she wasn't moving.  As soon as she was diagnosed and I read about BPD, I decided that I would never let her live with me, would never have sex with her again, would never loan her money, etc. 

[hopealways]

None of her exes knew she was BPD, her last BF just told her "nothing is good enough for you" and "you're crazy".  Before discovering what BPD was I just thought she was unhappy with me and there was something more I could do until I saw the movie Casino and Sharon Stone's character gave me the chills, then I looked up more about her character, found one website that said she played a typical BPD, which lead me to look up what BPD was and 3 years later here I am!

None of her girlfriends ever looked up BPD, they just think she's selfish and chalk it up to that.

Before I knew what BPD was she did tell me about her makeup/breakup cycles with her exes. The cycles all repeated with me.  No difference, just a different more caring guy. Now I understand it all.

[greenmonkey]

I think my exes ex-husband has some idea, after she ghosted on him after being together for 10 plus years, with a young child. I think he sought advice and she was medically assessed and was only allowed supervised access to her young son. He waits 24 hours before responding to any of her demands regarding visitation. He had no closure himself as to why she upped and left. Whether he got a full diagnosis of BPD I don't know.

I think other than him, I think I am the only one who truly knows that she is textbook BPD Waif. I spent hours, days, months trying to understand her behaviour which landed me here.

She has a lot of enablers on Facebook, her other exes are doormats and fall for the I am a victim stories and she has very shallow friendships which finish as soon as they start.

I guess I am also the only one who stood up to her ***** and said enough, removed her from my house, then moved 100 miles away and has been strict no contact ever since.