Need some support to deal with BPD Mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother has been exhibiting symptoms of what my father and I decided is BPD since I was a child. I majored in Psychology because of her behavior and my father and I poured over text books to find the right fit for her behaviors, she has every symptom of BPD.

She swings from loving you and showering you with love and affection to screaming at you in public over insignificant differences in opinion. She has no friends. My brother won't speak to her (he exhibits symptoms of NPD himself). She is tearing our family apart and now that we are adults and out of the house she is making it rather difficult to get together.

I am an empath myself, which makes it difficult to deal with her suffering. I just want to please everyone and the fact that I may be upsetting someone really affects me. When my mother targets me (I say targets because she tends to choose one person to aim her anger at) I just want her to forgive me, even if I know I did nothing wrong.

On top of it all I am getting married. I would love my mother to participate in the planning but she has a difficult time coping with any sort of change or stress and has already become upset over how overwhelming this is for her. She is currently extremely upset with me over an event at a restaurant where she said my dog was aggressive and bit her (untrue, the dog was a puppy... .and this happened 3 years ago) to which I simply stated that her dog (that had past 6 months prior) had bitten a previous boyfriends face and was a perfectly sweet dog otherwise. This lead to her screaming at me in the middle of the restaurant, causing everyone to quiet down and stare, then she left, literally walked home. Now, two weeks later, she is sending me angry text messages and trying to cut me out. What do I do? How to I approach this? I am not mad at her because I understand that she is struggling and has this issue and has for decades. I just want her to forgive me and get past it so we can be happy again. I know that may sound naive but that is my wish.

Please help.

[cmarie7]

My mother has been exhibiting symptoms of what my father and I decided is BPD since I was a child. I majored in Psychology because of her behavior and my father and I poured over text books to find the right fit for her behaviors, she has every symptom of BPD.

She swings from loving you and showering you with love and affection to screaming at you in public over insignificant differences in opinion. She has no friends. My brother won't speak to her (he exhibits symptoms of NPD himself). She is tearing our family apart and now that we are adults and out of the house she is making it rather difficult to get together.

I am an empath myself, which makes it difficult to deal with her suffering. I just want to please everyone and the fact that I may be upsetting someone really affects me. When my mother targets me (I say targets because she tends to choose one person to aim her anger at) I just want her to forgive me, even if I know I did nothing wrong.

On top of it all I am getting married. I would love my mother to participate in the planning but she has a difficult time coping with any sort of change or stress and has already become upset over how overwhelming this is for her. She is currently extremely upset with me over an event at a restaurant where she said my dog was aggressive and bit her (untrue, the dog was a puppy... .and this happened 3 years ago) to which I simply stated that her dog (that had past 6 months prior) had bitten a previous boyfriends face and was a perfectly sweet dog otherwise. This lead to her screaming at me in the middle of the restaurant, causing everyone to quiet down and stare, then she left, literally walked home. Now, two weeks later, she is sending me angry text messages and trying to cut me out. What do I do? How to I approach this? I am not mad at her because I understand that she is struggling and has this issue and has for decades. I just want her to forgive me and get past it so we can be happy again. I know that may sound naive but that is my wish.

Please help.

[Sarah girl]

Hello 

Cmarie7, you seem like someone who has the best of intentions. The best thing you can do for your mom and yourself is to just let her be angry. Her anger is not based in any kind of reality or logic. Her behavior is not your fault - never was, never will be. It serves a purpose for her and she will contuinue this pattern regardless of how much you try to to get past it. As much as it is directed at you and feels very personal, it really has nothing to do with you. If she hadn't had your sweet puppy to blame, she would have found another situation to rage at. The fact is, nothing you do will make her better.

I have a BPD mom who has raged at and blamed me since I was very little. I spent my entire life wanting her to just accept me. I just wanted to stop upsetting her. I wanted to be a better person- one that would rescue her form her painful life. Now I realize that the only thing I can do is accept myself and learn to be comfortable with the fact that she will never be that nurturing and supportive mother who loves unconditionally. She is all about creating drama, shame and guilt.

Your mom's irrational rage is something you need to protect yourself from. It is also something that you can't ever control. Her happiness is not your responsibility.

How is this situation affecting your own life and upcoming wedding plans? Are you able to focus on your big day or are thoughts of your mother's feelings taking over your life?

Take care, you are allowed to have feelings about this.

[chronsweet]

This post struck close to home this morning.  I have been NC with my uBPD mom for about 3 weeks.  I recently had to talk to her because we went to a birthday party for a family member (toddler).  In the spirit of forgiveness/acceptance, I talked to her without any grudges.  She quickly started do her rage calls at me where I tried to just get off the phone quick and move on.  This morning I moved from the 'good list' to her '___' list quickly. 

My mom treats me badly all the time.  I am pretty sick of it.  I think the best advice is to accept it and move on.  I know my mom does not like helping me, she is emotionally challenged and she is very one-sided. I am in the process of myself accepting things.  They are what they are.  She is almost 60 and she is never going to change.  She is never going to be  sweet, caring person who is open to anyone's opinion but her own.  If you have a differing opinion, let it be known, that there will be periods of NC.  I am actually welcoming those periods of time as they seem to be my happiest. 

This morning, I told my mother, to stop calling me and to leave me alone.  I am only hoping that she will respect my wishes for a much longer period of time this time.