Ten Years . . .

[ForeverDad]

It's been 10 years.  Since the divorce was final?  No, My divorce was final about 7.5 years ago.  Divorce filing?  No, that was about 9.5 years ago.  Separation?  No, that was 9.9 years ago.  Since the last weekend of intimacy.  For some reason my emotional perspective sets that as the end of the marriage.  End of intimacy equaled, looking back, end of marriage.  I do miss intimacy, the touch, the feel, the sharing, the joy.

That was when our son, our only child, was a little over 3.5 years old.  After he was born it was like she couldn't love both of us, so she attached herself emotionally to him and pulled away from me, emotionally and physically.  Intimacy became less frequent, even months apart.  It became her leverage to get what she wanted or to punish me.  I couldn't understand it.  It was only in the last months together that I learned about Personality Dysfunctions.  But nothing could save the marriage and before long it imploded like the intimacy had.

First the background.  She had an abusive childhood.  Ours was a troubled marriage, a trusted friend even told me within a year or two after our marriage that she was "high maintenance", her past distressed her and really affected her negatively.  We didn't have a child for many years.  In time she felt the years were passing and ought to have children before she got much older.  I agreed and I also hoped [in vain] that by having children she would be more positive and enjoy life by seeing things through a child's eyes of discovery.  How wrong I was.  It turned out she got pregnant only after fertility clinic tests were run, thanks to HSG (hysterosalpingogram).  Sadly, rather than being happy to see our child discover life, watching through his eyes, she relived her childhood through him.

Our last weekend of intimacy resulted in her immediately afterward stating, "Now you have to go with me on my trip."  For me, I wanted it to be "making love".  For her it was sexx. (Okay, she said "sex", but as far as I could tell it was more like four letter "sexx".)  She did it to "make a deal" in her mind.  

We separated less than 5 weeks later.  During that last week she wanted me guillotined and claimed I had cancer in my brain and my [sex organs], just to name a couple incidents.  Every demeaning, spiteful, hateful, ugly thing she could spew at me.  She wanted me to hurt.  Badly.

Some here would say she wanted me to hurt because she was hurting.  Probably true, but that didn't lessen the impact nor make it excusable.  I had to find protection from the unrelenting emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse.  Now she is an ex.  I sometimes refer to her as an ex-spouse, but haven't used the w!fe word to describe her for quite some time.  She would sully the word.

So what now?  I'm feeling a little different, a little better, a little less struggling, a little more freer.  I've felt that now and then over the years, generally after some major improvement in parenting, like peeling away yet another layer of an onion.

Well, it's about time, I really, really need my life back.  Of course, that also means I ought to be like so many others and drift away from spending so much time here and focus on my life.  (So if I'm here less frequently, please understand life and normalcy is finally hitting me over the head and hopefully I'm listening.)

From the first weekend of October ten years ago, to now coming up on the first weekend of October this year.  It's about time.

During that time my father passed, a couple cousins, an aunt, my mother, my eldest brother too.  On the other hand, I renewed contact with a youthful crush I'd had over 35 years ago (reconnected in recent years, now LDR friend), I went from alternate weekend dad to custodial dad of a now-teen son, a sibling has the upward calling, and we're ten years closer to God's Kingdom. (Matthew 6:9, 10, 33, 34; Daniel 2:44)

[UndauntedDad]

ForeverDad. I just want to state for the record, though it may not help you much, that your time here was not wasted.  Your posts and replies helped me through some rough times. Probably many others too; i haven't even been here 1 year.  I know you have been through rough times too.

I encourage you to move on; you deserve to live your life.  It sounds like it could be awesome.  Understanding that idea, that the future life could be awesome, has given me a lot of strength in low moments.  good luck and thanks.

[whirlpoollife]

Your dedication here has helped so many!

I saw my first L Sep 2011,  first posted here in Dec 2011, was ready to divorce then had deaths in my family , then needed that little push to go back to finish with the actual filing of divorce.   Some of your words were, ( I'm pretty sure it was you) " cut the emotions it's a business deals now"  and " stop being a door mat for him" were few words but strong ones to put put a fire under my ash and make the move to sign the divorce papers.   

Then though the long three years to finalize the divorce your experience in the legal system has helped many times over.

My scenario with my xh  continues , as next week I am going to trial, in front of a judge , and take the stand and be questioned... .xh  wants back spousal support from me , and not have to pay c/s.  He had appealed his modification of support .  The outcome is what it is... but I don't care about c/s as much as having to write out another check of cash to him.

I wish I could write and post as well as you do!  I would post more with advice and experiences for others but I just take too long to post.

Thank you thank you thank you I am forever grateful for your help.

My heart goes out to you with a sibling closer to heaven 

[pallavirajsinghani]

Forever Dad:

I can't even tell you how many people I have recommended to your threads.

Let these be fond goodbyes to you.   

I go back and forth myself to this site... .so go ahead and follow the path that yearnings beckon you to... .

God bless.

[Panda39]

Forever Dad:

I'm a relatively new member in your years here and am sorry to hear you will be spending less time with us, but totally understand that you must live your life and move on.

I also wanted to say that I have appreciated your advice and experience like so many others have.  I have found so many little nuggets in your posts that have helped at various times and I thank you for them.

Wishing you well as you move forward,

Panda39

[ugghh]

Forever Dad,

All I can say is thank you - the wisdom you have shared with myself and others on this board has been literally priceless in helping us get through difficult times in our life.  This board was a lifeline when I needed it most.

I am sure God has special place in his kingdom for good people such as yourself.

[Nope]

You need and deserve a full and rich life where you've put the worst parts of your marriage completely in the rear view. Thank you SO MUCH for all you did helping me prepare for DH's case! It was really eye opening having someone to talk to about case specifics the way we could. I never imagined I could get that here. You've helped so many here. Don't ever think this has been a waste of time as many people who've struggled here have been better off for your efforts and shared experiences.

[newlymarried]

I hope you find peace and contentment. You have helped so many people, including me. Good luck in everything!

[scraps66]

I feel a congratulations is in order!  The rejection after "planned but unplanned" pregnancy is what I had experienced too and it never went back to normal even after second son.   

[ForeverDad]

Oops, do I really have to Move On?  (at least a little)

Yes, for myself I do need to focus elsewhere in my life and more than half steps, though I doubt I'll jump ship anytime soon.  I've mentioned this goal before but now I'm more mentally and emotionally 'there' than before.

I've been working in the yard, clearing out an aged wood playground that my now teen son seldom played on.  It's a $1K relic of the last turbulent years of the marriage.  I tried but didn't get it done last year, it's almost gone with the trash now.  Health is a big issue, chronic stress in the last 15 years surely impacted it.  I need exercise, if I stay away from gluten, my knees won't limit walking.  I have a nice residential area but I just hate walking alone.  I'm finding homes for kittens but I can't walk or herd the cats.  Now my back aches and pains are a bigger issue.  Feels like Whack-a-Mole.  Congregation too will be good to improve, I have to move it higher on my long list of priorities.  Priorities versus low energy.

[Waddams]

Yes, for myself I do need to focus elsewhere in my life and more than half steps, though I doubt I'll jump ship anytime soon.  I've mentioned this goal before but now I'm more mentally and emotionally 'there' than before.

Returning a normal life is a key part of healing.  It's part of "dropping the rope" and not getting caught up in the tug of war games with a pwPD.  I think a key part of healing and also building the emotional resiliency to keep on making the good fight when kids are involved and there will always be some level connection, regardless of how small, is to take care of you, build almost a parallel life of friends, hobbies, activities, and even a new romantic partner/lover, and focus on that as much as possible. 

As we say to all others, if you don't take care of yourself first, you can't take of anyone else either.

[maxen]

I doubt I'll jump ship anytime soon.

good!

it sounds like your life will be busy. are you looking forward to ti?

I'm finding homes for kittens but I can't walk or herd the cats.

a cat has taken to sleeping on my porch. i give her food, but i think she what she really wants is to come in. she's either had kitties or is going to have them. i'm a cat lover and haven't had one in a long time, i'm getting weak!

[ForeverDad]

What I'd really like to do is sit out under the autumn trees with a gentle breeze blowing and reading some good books all day every day.  Too bad I can't vegetate as I wish.  I'm closing in on retirement age but the retirement funds aren't there. :'(  Or move out to the foot of the Rockies so I can take day trips into the mountains.  Ah, the mountain streams, lakes, forests and trails.  I'd definitely be more active there!

My kittens won't be hard to place, they're Tonkinese, "the dogs of the cat world" so it's said, cute and friendly like Burmese, pointed like Siamese.

[maxen]

like this? 



i'm a mountain sort too, was married in the Blue Ridge and spent vacations in NH, which is where i want to go when i die.

[Stolen]

"I just hate walking alone".  I get that.  Even during the worst times, when evil xW had marshaled the troops to make me feel unwelcome in my own home, I always had my dog to walk with.  2, 3, 4 miles at a time, I would just walk.  And the dog was the perfect medium to meet and talk with others - including many strangers who would have never gotten more than a nod prior.  I never felt more of a sense of community than when I ventured out with my ambassador!  If it fits, I highly recommend it.  Mine is now gone, and he has left a hole in my soul.  Trying to figure logistics to doing it again, this time on my own. 

[Waddams]

I keep thinking about getting a dog.  I know I'd enjoy one.  The issue is I do spend a lot of spare time outside the home.  Some things the do would be great with (I do a lot of hiking in the mountains), other things... .just hanging out with friends or the night life I go out for when I have a chance, plus I want to be able to take a weekender here or there, it's just easier without the extra responsibility.

I'll probably stay pet free for a while longer, but give in after I've done enough solo stuff to get my current wanderlust purged out of my soul.

[livednlearned]

FD, you mention getting your life back, but nothing about dating. Are you in a place (emotionally, psychologically) where you are ready or open to meeting someone new?

[ForeverDad]

People tell me I need to find someone within my age group.   I'm not that far away from retirement age but inside I feel much younger (and I still have most of my hair)... .I think that trips me up.  Maybe part of it is I married late, had a child late and will still be parenting for another 5 years.  Theoretically I can take a (small) standard retirement when he's graduating high school.  I've been introduced here and there by a few but nothing clicked.

Reminds me of the old joke, "I finally found the perfect woman, unfortunately she was looking for the perfect man." :'(

I also feel I need to get refocus back into spiritual activities, marriage with and divorce from a "high maintenance" spouse devastated me emotionally and I've been in retreat for a long time.  Helping and sharing here has been good but I need to start shifting from remote peer support to more spiritual involvement.  In my younger years I spent over 25 years in religious volunteer activities, also part of the reason my Social Security option won't cover much more than housing.  And I have over 25 years left on my mortgage.

Edit:  So, no, I'm not actively 'dating'.  I did reconnect with a youthful crush but nothing beyond friendship, we're not the same people I remembered from my 20s.

LnL, I always notice how I am prone to post citing facts, risks, likelihoods, proactive strategies, higher goals and typical outcomes - Detective Joe Friday's "Just the facts, Ma'am" - but I can always count on you to focus also on empathic, feeling and warm responses.  You're very perceptive and comforting, you've got a lot of Friend and Counselor skills in you.

A major reason I posted my topic here rather than in another board is because the Family Law board has been my home base for so long.

[ForeverDad]

Speaking of age differences... .will someone tell me I can ignore this rough rule of thumb?  Hmm, I just did the calculation in my head, actually it's not that bad, as the years accumulate the formula becomes more forgiving.

I had started a thread about age differences a couple years ago.  In one of my last posts there I added a quote from crazyhorse that there is a "reasonableness" calculation that can be done to indicate normal age ranges for a person's relationship.  Of course don't forget to factor in the level of maturity/immaturity and normalcy/disorderedness as well.

Here’s a mathematical formula said to ascertain what the socially acceptable absolute minimum age for a potential mate is. Take your age and divide it in half and then add seven years. Any younger and you have to wonder.

[livednlearned]

LnL, I always notice how I am prone to post citing facts, risks, likelihoods, proactive strategies, higher goals and typical outcomes - Detective Joe Friday's "Just the facts, Ma'am" - but I can always count on you to focus also on empathic, feeling and warm responses.  You're very perceptive and comforting, you've got a lot of Friend and Counselor skills in you.

That is such a meaningful comment, thank you FD. 

Funny, I believe the gift my ex gave me this. It has taken a lot of trust and work to believe that my feelings are a source of strength.

The age difference question is an interesting one. I think many of us here have struggled to understand real intimacy  -- maybe we missed that ship during our childhood. I suppose you can find genuine intimacy with someone much younger or older, but having the pasts that we have, it's best to examine what we might be replicating with a big age gap. For me, I was looking for someone to protect me, because the men in my life did not do that. I married a man 17 years older than me, and recreated a worse version of the very thing I was trying to escape. Ironically, though, surviving that taught me I can protect myself -- that I'm worth protecting -- and that led to feeling worthy and lovable, period. My current SO is 5 years older than me, and at first I was concerned maybe I was falling into old habits. Nothing feels the same, though. I'm a different LnL, and the relationship has none of the overtones or undertones of rescue/fix.

It's good to really examine your heart, your intentions on this. The easy answer is that you feel more attracted to younger women. Usually there is something there that goes deeper, and that's the stuff you want to poke at.

A major reason I posted my topic here rather than in another board is because the Family Law board has been my home base for so long.

You were the calm voice of reason during the worst storm I experienced with my ex. N/BPDx was having a psychotic episode while S14 was with him (11 at the time). And I thought it was bad enough he might kill our son and then himself. Worst. Night. Of. My. Life. I remember you wrote something to the effect of: "hold steady, it will probably blow over, and by the way, this is going to help you get custody." 

And you were right. That terrible night is when things turned around (slowly, expensively). It is a rare person who can validate your worst fears while also calming you at the same time.

[NewWays]

FD... .

Like you, I also have been coming around less often but I also feel an ongoing obligation to try and help those in any little way I can like others have helped me.  I could never expect to coming close in trying to fill half of your shoes, but I have this belief that I must give back to this group that has helped me along the way.

Most important I have been totally out of line for not being more frequent and direct in letting everyone here know just how much I appreciate all of their help.  So to all... .thank you very much!

But for sure you and LnL I must call out to make sure the both of you know just how much you both have provided tons of appreciated help on my journey.  So first and foremost…a heartfelt thank you from me to both you because you both have done your best that has helped me make it on my way through this devastating and painful experience we all have had the unfortunate fate to go through with our partners.  You both really may never know just how much you have helped me along the way.  So for that I owe both of you a big time thank for all that you have done!

Your other topics are interesting... .

-The sitting out under the autumn trees reading a book... .SOLD!

-Move near the Rockies to take day trips into the mountains. Mountain streams, lakes, forests and trails... .SOLD!

I'm in the Midwest and spend time in the fall and winter up in Michigan seeing the colors, photography and skiing at Boyne Mountain.  But, since I grew up in Denver and I have the great fond memories of when we were in high school getting up early (6:00am) on Saturday mornings in the winter and turning on my favorite FM station for the Colorado Ski Country USA ski report and... .when we would hear that Winter Park or Loveland got 6-10 inches of new powder snow overnight would throw the skis, boots and poles in the car and be on the slopes in less than 90 minutes.  It was great and like you I'm hearing my Rocky Mountains calling me back.

-Your formula... .I think LnL is right.  Take a step back and inspect what you expect.  I followed the math exactly from the formula with my ex-wife and still should of wondered! - I'll take a pass on your formula.

-When you described that you were cleaning out the aged wood playground, I could sense some of your pain coming from what I call the "Historic Monuments" of our marriages.  Your recollection and that the image of the playground as a $1K relic of the (painful) last turbulent years of the marriage seems to confirm what my therapist told me a couple of years ago... .that we all have these memory triggers that serve up recollections of things that happened in our marriages with our partners and are stored in our memory... .some of which were good…and some that were not so good and were very, very painful.

The problem is that as humans, when we double click on an event that is in our memory hard drive we get a replay of not only the item recalled but also that recall comes with all the emotion and feelings that were part of the original “Save As” emotions and feelings that were a part of what we experienced at the time of the incident or event.

So be kind to yourself.  Continue to take care of yourself.  Understanding the components of radical acceptance for me has helped me minimize the impact of such triggers which can and do come out of nowhere at any time.

Again, a long overdue thank you to you, LnL and everyone else here for all the help that everyone has provided to me along the way.

Best to all of you and everyone you hug!

NewWays

[Stylianos]

Forever Dad - thank you, for all of your help along the way... .my path is several years behind you - and i look forward to operating at that more healthy and in a less crisis oriented way.   You were/are invaluable to me - and from what i can tell to many many other folks out here.  You have a body of work on here that is tangible and a net 'good' to this small 'world' and will most likely reverberate out to the world at large.

In the business of life time is our currency - you have spent it wisely - however, i think you have other things that are also well worth your time.

Spend it well  - and again thank you.

best regards,

S

[Grey Kitty]

  FD!

Most of my time on these boards was on Staying, however I've followed a few people over here (or sent them over here) and seen a few of your excellent contributions here... .and feel like my life is circling around onto a path where I'm not too far from parallel to you today.

I've just been one year since my wife blew up our marriage. We've been physically separated since then, but haven't finished the legal stuff. I'm still pushing that forward. (Easier; no kids and she's low conflict!) Might be done in six months... .

That feeling of being ready to move forward... .ready to start dating... .wondering how young is too young (or how old is too old?) [BTW, I'd say think twice if they are young enough that you are a contemporary of their parents... .) For me the issue is finding somebody who is at least as emotionally healthy as I am today. I've had two relationships, and neither of them has ever been as emotionally mature/healthy as I am right now. I'm ready for something better! And honestly looking to just enjoy dating rather than seeking a full-blown relationship at first. [Dunno how well this is gonna work for me; both my exes seem to be wanting to chase after me these days. I'm hoping to have healthier women wanting to chase after me, or interested in being caught when I chase after them instead!]

I've also noticed that my time on these boards TODAY doesn't seem as healthy for ME as it did before. It has been that way for a while, and now I only check in every once in a while. It seems to me that I've got things that I need to be doing instead, mostly more in the real world and less in the virtual/long-distance one.

So... .thanks for posting this... .

[formflier]

 

FD,

Nice Work!  You have shared your experiences with others and dramatically improved their lives.  I remember reading your posts and believing that there could be life after divorce

That gave me confidence to stand strong in the BPD storm.  Ultimately that triggered changes in my family and we are in a much better place today.

I'm no longer afraid of divorce and the threats that she used to hold over my head. 

And... .you know what... .the threats are rare today.  I think last one was in July.

I have similar thoughts about my role here on these boards.  Once I get to a "steady state" in my life... .I hope to find a regular amount of time I can devote to the boards and leave it at that.  Right now it seems a bit haphazard.

Anyway... .you have earned a break... .no doubt.  But... .I also want to give you a challenge... .especially since you seem to be a religious guy.  ( I am as well... )

God has given you a gift.  Please go back and look at livdnlearneds post.  Think about the impact that you had on her life... .your words of calm and validation on a  night where she was certainly at rock bottom.  God works through us.  He provides us blessings for our benefit... .and for us to pass on those blessings to others.   

Does God want and expect people to take breaks to refocus and refresh?   Absolutely.  I have no idea if service on this board is a "calling" for you... .but I would encourage you to prayerfully consider it. 

Finally:  Thank you for the wise counsel that you have given me.  I am a better person, husband and father because of your words. 

Sincerely,

FF