New to this

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm new to dealing with BPD, I didn't know my partner had it until I discovered it into the relationship. Now, she's already told me I should forget I met her. She's not ready for a relationship. She loves me but, doesn't want me to leave. She had asked me to marry her and than out of the blue, said she doesn't want a relationship and doesn't know what happened.

And she'll come up to me and tell me she misses me and she doesn't know what's wrong with her. She says she's been to too many therapists and stuff already. History of alcohol abuse, sexual abuse as a child and a teenager. I  feel like I'm coming into the game too late to be of use. But, she does love me and doesn't want me to leave.

She also has fibromyalgia, diagnosed as bi-polar, on all sorts of anxiety and depression meds. Can't work right now because of cervical stenosis (probably will need surgery). Moved back to the area where most childhood trauma took place. HELP

[notlettinggo]

I'm new to dealing with BPD, I didn't know my partner had it until I discovered it into the relationship. Now, she's already told me I should forget I met her. She's not ready for a relationship. She loves me but, doesn't want me to leave. She had asked me to marry her and than out of the blue, said she doesn't want a relationship and doesn't know what happened.

And she'll come up to me and tell me she misses me and she doesn't know what's wrong with her. She says she's been to too many therapists and stuff already. History of alcohol abuse, sexual abuse as a child and a teenager. I  feel like I'm coming into the game too late to be of use. But, she does love me and doesn't want me to leave.

She also has fibromyalgia, diagnosed as bi-polar, on all sorts of anxiety and depression meds. Can't work right now because of cervical stenosis (probably will need surgery). Moved back to the area where most childhood trauma took place. HELP

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

hi notlettingo



You have taken a good step by joining us here.  We understand what it is you are describing and what you are going through.    Being in a relationship with a person with BPD is difficult.   There is usually a cycle of conflict and a lot of push/pull behavior.

I like to welcome people by pulling these two links out of the LESSON's box that runs down the right hand side of your screen.   They were very meaningful to me when I first arrived here.

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

There are things you can do to help you understand the relationship you are having with your partner. Reading and working the lessons here are a great place to start.  Are you in contact currently?   

I noticed you mentioned a lot of what your partner is feeling,   how are you feeling?   what does the future look like to you right now?

When I first got here I was pretty confused, kind of shell shocked really.  So much was not as it seemed and things seemed to change very quickly.    Coming here helped.

Looking forward to hearing more.

'ducks

[notlettinggo]

It's too late. She was all fine yesterday and today was angry

and said she never wanted to see me. Called me sad, pathetic

needy, and I smothered her. What we had was a mistake.

All I did was post funny stuff, positive stuff, on her FB. Send

8 messages today (usually one right after the other because

sometimes, you never say it all at one time).

I'm hurt. I'm broken. And I'm way confused.

[ArleighBurke]

How much have you read about BPD?

Intense mood swings are normal. Fear of a relationship is normal. Crazy statements and strange reasoning is normal.

If you havn't read much - take a few days to read. There is a ton of info on this site, and lots of recommended books about BPD.

If you choose to stay with her - this rollercoaster could be your life. Remember it's her condition, and not about you.

[babyducks]

hi notlettinggo,

I want to echo what ArleighBurke said,   intense mood swings are normal for people who suffer from this disorder.   people with BPD want a relationship but fear it.   it is the nature of the disorder.   it is likely a life long disorder for her.  you can't control or cure it.   

you can learn about it and how to not take it personally if you decide to stay in contact.

'ducks

[notlettinggo]

So, I get a text last night saying she's sorry she hurt me, it wasn't her intent. I told her to go to hell. then, went into a rant about how all I ever did was want to love her and see her happy. It wasn't the best response and I really don't think we'll talk again. But, I also told her I would never turn my back on her.

I just feel broken, confused, hurt, and I have no coping mechanisms in place. I'm too smothering and what part of "I want you to leave me alone," didn't I get. It wasn't pretty. And I had a knee jerk reaction to all of it. I failed epically. I don't even know what to feel anymore.

I told her to take care of herself.

[babyducks]

hi notlettinggo,

It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it. 

At this point you before you can make anything better you must stop making it worse.   If that is what you want.

if your partner is suffering from BPD or BPD traits, they are living in an emotional world that is very foreign to most of us and they are suffering with very deep wounds. Much of what they do can be understood by learning more about the illness. Sometimes they misperceive or misunderstand a situation which causes them intense emotional pain. Some of their coping is so dysfunctional that it is simply harmful to them. Sometimes they are so uncomfortable with themselves they take it out on others to relieve their own pain or make themselves feel valued.

This is a complex disorder. There are many manifestations of it. There are many degrees of illness.

The goal for us is to gain enough knowledge to understand the chaos we've been living with and what is likely going on. All of this is important in understanding what our reality is. It's likely different than we perceive it. We commonly have many misconceptions.

To continue to engage in push/pull dynamics is damaging to both of you.   

Do you want to learn more about BPD and how it's effecting your relationship?

'ducks

[notlettinggo]

Yes. Because I really don't understand how you can make love to someone one night and the next day tell the other person, you can't do this anymore and to just leave them alone. We talked last night but, she loves me but, isn't "in love" and doesn't want that kind of pressure in her life right now.

She keeps saying things like, "we'll see" and that I disappointed her on her birthday because my brother had a bike he was going to sell me to get for her. I planned a dinner, which she said she only did because she knew it would make me happy and it would get me off her back. She was disappointed by the entire day and said that it really hurt. So, now I feel terrible about that. I feel terrible about a lot of things.

And she also says things like to me like I'm not mature, or if I lost weight she'd be more attracted to me. It's like she's leaving all these windows open for a reconciliation but, at the same time keeps pushing me away. We both said some pretty hurtful things that I'm ashamed of and for her it's easy to just let it go. Maybe, because she's been letting go of a lot of things her whole life. I don't know.

Then, she texts me and asks me if I want to go out of state to go pick up this puppy from a family member's house. WTH?  I'm not emotionally ready to be in a car with her for 8-9 hours and then come back after one night. And she just had to tell me that we can't sleep in the same room because nobody knows we're broke up. For some reason that really hurt and I can't figure out why.

I really feel broken and alone.

[an0ught]

Hi notlettinggo,

the closer you are at the moment the more it is going to confuse and hurt  .

There is the saying "Walk the talk". With her the talking is all over the place and the walking is not really a straight line either. In general and with pwBPD especially it pays to focus on the walking part. And that looks like she is ambivalent, creating opportunities to spend time together.  

e I'm not mature,

Well, that talking part is interesting as it tells you what others have told her. It likely has not much to do with you except she senses it is a way to upset you. It helps her to deal with her own upset. Projection and invalidation is a core BPD mechanism and it sucks to have to deal with it