I struggle with fear of her having an "episode". It just scares me to death
I really identify with this. My son hit me once when we were living together and I live in fear of his rage. I have leaned when a BPD rage is happening to back down and let him vent. I want to just put him out of the house but he breaks down doors.
My son's trigger is perceived rejection. And I do mean perceived. His "original wound" is abandonment so when he feels rejected, even if it is in his imagination, he goes crazy.
The thing is, I hate backing down. It makes me feel codependent. I have a will of my own and I don't ant to cower before him. But the alternative is worse.
I have tried to separate from my son, but he is addicted to me and I am afraid to go to far so I am stuck for now.
This is not to say I cannot say "no." I am learning to do this. But if it triggers a rage I have to "walk on eggshells."
You have my sympathy. For me it is comforting to know I am not alone. I hope that brings you solace as well.
Consider strengthening your faith with regard to things you cannot change like the fact your child has this debilitating disorder.
Butterflygirl