Monetary questions from a 12 year old

[mother in law]

Gd aged 12 has for the 3rd time asked me how much money I have in the bank! !  I did tell her it's bad manners to ask someone that and it is no one's business but mine.  Third time around I am quite floored by the question! ! Especially from a12 year old. 

This is not the only conversation we have had along these lines. When a girl cousin was born and I said "how nice "her reply was "but I won't inherit all your jewellery"! !

Do 12 year olds really think of this or is she being fed this by her BPD mother? ?

Have others had this experience and should I be concerned?

[enlighten me]

Children learn from their parents. If her mum thinks this way then your GD will most likely pick up on it. All you can do is keep pointing her in a more healthy direction. Maybe by saying that if she does well at school and gets a good job then she can buy all the nice jewellery she wants and wouldn't be interested in Grandmas. 

[flourdust]

My daughter asks me questions like that occasionally. She probably started this behavior around age 8 or so. In my case, I know there was nothing malicious behind it. There may have been talk about money at school ("My dad is richer than your dad" or conversations about money on TV or in books that made her curious. Like you, I deflected the question with a bit of a lesson on etiquette. (Although I have clarified that, to her regret, I am not rich.)

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like she is under the impression that she is entitled to your jewelry... .at the least.

That can't be a comfortable dynamic for you.

How did you respond to that?

[FamilyLaw]

Actually, 12 is a pretty good time to talk to your granddaughter about money, whether or not a BPD is involved.  Some studies I've seen show that when we shield our kids, and especially our girls, from talk about money or tell them that it is private, they don't learn how to be rational and reasonable about it. 

There are some great books out there about talking to kids about money and teaching them how to budget, save and invest.  This is a great time to turn her questions into a way to teach her how to become self-sufficient and wise about money.

[mother in law]

Thank you for all your answers.  Family Law we are in the process of teaching her about money and she is a pretty good saver.  However her mother has an amazing sense of entitlement and if you look at my past posts you will see she is not exactly honest ie she has worked for money under the counter while collecting social security,  stole gd's savings and really doesn't think she should work. Gd also listens to a fair bit of "your grandparents are rich they should be paying for this"! (Not true). So in this context we feel her mother maybe planting ideas in her head. I don't like to ask questions as I feel it creates another person creating another them against her situation and I think gd deals with enough of this. Perhaps we are paranoid but my gut feeling says no.

[livednlearned]

Thank you for all your answers.  Family Law we are in the process of teaching her about money and she is a pretty good saver.  However her mother has an amazing sense of entitlement and if you look at my past posts you will see she is not exactly honest ie she has worked for money under the counter while collecting social security,  stole gd's savings and really doesn't think she should work. Gd also listens to a fair bit of "your grandparents are rich they should be paying for this"! (Not true). So in this context we feel her mother maybe planting ideas in her head. I don't like to ask questions as I feel it creates another person creating another them against her situation and I think gd deals with enough of this. Perhaps we are paranoid but my gut feeling says no.

If I remember correctly, BPDmom also took money from GD? That would make me highly suspicious of any questions about money from GD.

It seems like in relationships where the emotional ties are uncertain or unclear for whatever reason, money becomes the crude yardstick by which the relationship is measured. So if GD's mom has a warped idea about money, then GD could parrot those ideas.

I agree its' important to talk about money with kids. I also think money gets so distorted in many BPD relationships that the rules might be a little different.

I'm not sure what I would do if a child (with a BPD parent) asked me that same question. I might answer the question with a question, since it seems like it's often about something else.

[mother in law]

Thank you lived n learned,  I think you have it correctly.  Money seems to be completely distorted by ex BPD dil. Her sense of entitlement is way out proportion to reality.  The divorce etc was a financial nightmare with her,  you are right she stole gd's savings (she seemed to think it was owed to her), she seems to think we are her cash cow and it's interesting when gd spoke of jewellery (there isn't much) when I said to gd that all things get shared around a family when someone dies she went straight onto the next topic of conversation ie what's to eat and it's never been mentioned again. 

If you answered with a question would it be like "what do you mean or why do you ask that? "


As an aside we are now thinking of safe guarding our wills as we just don't trust her. All too sad really.

[enlighten me]

With my sons I replied to their questions with questions and it works really well.

For example one son said "mummy says you were horrible to her" my reply was ":)id you ever see or hear me be horrible to her"? He thought about it and said "No. You were always really nice to her". This type of questioning resets their reality from one they've been told to a fact based one.

With your GD if she says "Your really rich" then you could say "If I was rich don't you think I would have a nicer house/ car/ clothes"? whatever you want to use as an example. This will get her to think about it.

[livednlearned]

With your GD if she says "Your really rich" then you could say "If I was rich don't you think I would have a nicer house/ car/ clothes"? whatever you want to use as an example. This will get her to think about it.

I like this example. Even a question as simple as "what do you mean by rich?" can work.

I guess the question depends on the intention, too. If you want to deflect the question, you can ask a question that diffuses it -- like the one above

If you want to find out where her question might be coming from, you could ask, "I'm wondering why you would ask that?" She might be forthright and say something you already suspect, "Mom says you're rich."

With S14, I know that his anxiety runs high, so when he asks me seemingly benign questions, I know that there is often a fear underneath. The other day he asked me how inheritance works. This was a few days after telling him that we are going to be living with SO. I didn't realize it in the moment, it took a visit with T to realize he was worried that my money would go to SO instead of to S14. It was a way to surface his anxiety -- he's worried that my love (symbolized with money) would go to SO, and S14 would get none.

When S14 was 10 or so, he asked me if we were rich. I said usually wealth is compared to others. So we are richer than people in a poor country, and we are not as rich as other people who live down the street. I think the question was more along the lines of, "Are we respected?" Or, "Am I ok?" I try to figure out what he might be anxious about and then, if it's appropriate, reassure him, knowing that his anxieties can stem from things his dad has said.


"Sometimes when people ask about money, they are asking about something else. Are you worried about anything?"

[bravhart1]

I also think it could be an opportunity to discuss the differences of being responsible and having money left over at the end of the month, and being rich.

As well as maybe a lesson in manners about what is appropriate to ask someone and what's is distasteful.

Your GD is clearly not being taught manners by her mum, guess she'll need you to help out with that.

[Turkish]

I'm of the "millionaire next door" mindset. Live below your means and you won't have to worry about money (in general, catastrophes can happen).

The kids' mom isn't good with money, and has a lot of weird views. It's going to be a values conflict.

[mother in law]

I guess to all of you good people who have replied I am not interested in finding out whether exdil is putting these thoughts in gd's head,  to me it's obvious she is.  It is her BPD way of looking at the world and her sense of entitlement.  

I am however more interested in showing gd that it isn't appropriate to ask these sorts of questions,  that you have a better sense of self worth if you work for things your self and not expect others to provide everything for you, in teaching her to save,  in other words to teach her a set of values that make her happy,  able to relate to people well and lead a happy and useful life.

I feel we are mostly winning on all scores until she says things like this and then I wonder if her mother's influence is greater than I think.

Even though i try hard not to talk about her mother I need to learn to ask questions that she feels comfortable answering! !

[mother in law]

Turkish I have had to look up "the millionaire next door mindset" I had never heard of it before. Now I get it and agree whole heartedly. Is that a common phrase in America?

[Turkish]

Turkish I have had to look up "the millionaire next door mindset" I had never heard of it before. Now I get it and agree whole heartedly. Is that a common phrase in America?

It's anti-"conspicuous consumption."

No, it's not a common phrase, but those who arm-chair invest (i.e., non-professionals) have probably at least heard of it.

I remember meeting with a financial advisor years ago who (who was trying to get me to roll over my retirement plan into annuities... .I didn't bite) said that he met with a lot of young professionals in San Francisco. They wore nice clothes, drove BMWs and the like, but had next to nothing being set aside for their retirements. It's good to teach children as early as possible the value of money. It's hard when one parent or someone else influential in their lives thinks oppositely. I anticipate struggle with my kids' mom.

[livednlearned]

I am however more interested in showing gd that it isn't appropriate to ask these sorts of questions,  that you have a better sense of self worth if you work for things your self and not expect others to provide everything for you, in teaching her to save,  in other words to teach her a set of values that make her happy,  able to relate to people well and lead a happy and useful life.

I would think you could change "rich" to "secure" -- give it a positive value that biomom might be undermining. "Rich" sounds like someone who has more than she needs, and is greedy for keeping it for herself. "Secure" sounds like someone who is careful, who takes care of herself, who has boundaries about when to share, and with whom.