I have a soon to be ex wife and I'm hurting so bad.

[DPG]

So my wife and I agreed to file for divorce and now that I'm out of the house I'm hurting so bad. We had a four year rocky marriage but I love her. She broke up with me before we got married and absolutely crushed me when she slept with someone else after the break up. Don't know if she has again, said she's not interested in that and needs to be healthy but I'm feeling the same crushing pain. Our divorce will be final in January and I've been in my own home for a couple months now. Already tried the begging and everything after I thought that this is what I wanted . At first she said she didnt know if we could fix our marriage and now it seems as if she's sure we can't go back but offered friendship and I said I just can't do that and haven't spoken to her in a couple of days. She was diagnosed with bipolar years ago and is now unmedicated. I believe and she believed that she has BPD. Cutting, mania, devaluation of others, abandonment by her father as a child, etc. I'll admit that my communication issues and excessive drinking to deal with stress throughout our marriage didn't help anything but I love her and my heart is absolutely devastated and have no place to vent except here it seems. I just need help and I really do want to reconcile.

[JohnLove]

Hello DPG, I am very sorry to hear of the relationship turmoil in your life. You seem self aware and responsible... .but it is my experience that persons suffering BPD have extreme trouble just doing that much.

Begging is a form of desperation and that is OK but very often with a pwBPD that is counterproductive. They will test you in all sorts of seemingly illogical ways.

She has been diagnosed and is unmediated or in treatment. This can be dangerous. Mental illnesses can be comorbid or even misdiagnosed, so you just might be right. Bipolar is often a misdiagnosis on the way to a diagnosis of BPD.

You have provided a list of symptoms and abandonment by a Father in childhood is just about present in every case of BPD that I know of.

The trouble with reconciling DPG, is that it takes 2 willing participants... .and you need to focus on you.

The tools on this site may prove to be very helpful to you. I would encourage you to read through them.

[ForeverDad]

The pages here are filled with once-devastated Knights in Shining Armor.  We/they were unable to save our loved ones, not when they were sabotaging our relationships.  For those disordered that were determined enough to stick with meaningful therapy and applied it diligently in their lives and behaviors, life and relationships improved.  For those others who sabotaged, obstructed and whatever, well... .we had to learn to set boundaries and in time we did realize our lives were healthier and happier once we were away from the chaos and discord.

So allow yourself time to recover.  You don't need recovery from a disordered life, you need time to recover from exposure to a disordered life.  Recovery is a process, not an event, so give yourself time.

You mentioned she had affairs or at least jumped in and out of relationships.  Well, I don't know what would constitute a deal breaker for you, but some have considered infidelity as basis for ending a relationship.  As in, if it happened once (or more) it would eventually happen again.  Not to make light of it but as Scotty said in a Star Trek episode, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"  Yes, it doesn't make you any happier now, but in time you will get past this and get your life back.

What if she did change her mind and agreed to reconcile?  Do you really think life would be any better the second or third time around?  Wouldn't it really be like getting back on a sickening roller coaster, ups and down until you were queasy and nauseous, just as before?  Even if she started therapy, it would be a long time, probably years, before you would have any confidence that she had really and truly changed.

Yes, BPD does fit the facts better than Bipolar.  There may be practical reasons why that happened.  Often insurance wouldn't cover BPD since it was considered intractable and recovery unlikely but Bipolar had a demonstrated biochemical component and meds did help.  So in order for them to have some level of support the other malady was diagnosed. Meds did help to blunt the worst behaviors but BPD is more about therapy and less about meds.  It's different now, we have therapies now.  Cognitive or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (CBT, DBT, etc) have been shown to work if the patient was cooperative.

[DPG]

Well now I found out she changed her number. I'm pretty shocked and very hurt. Hoping she will reach out. Her mom told me that she needs to become emotionally stable but is an enabler as far as her daughter not getting profession help. I'm sad and just hopes she reaches out to me no matter how many people say on here that I'm lucky right now. You cant just turn off love.

[pallavirajsinghani]

DPG:

Please consider grief counseling.  For you are mourning the death of a dream.  It is the fantasy of what could have been and what should have been that is so hard to give up. 

But death of a kind also results in rebirth.  The Phoenix will rise brighter and shinier.  Give it time.  Let your psyche heal.

I wasted 8 years of my youth in mourning a divorce.  I was ashamed and thought that I had broken a sacred covenant. (I am a DV survivor.)  Fast Forward:  I have been happily remarried going on our 22nd year.  I lack nothing.

If I had elected counseling, my grief and mourning and shame probably would have lasted for a year... .or less... .perhaps I could have allowed myself several more years of happiness.

So, based on my personal experience, I'd recommend counseling for yourself.  Counseling is not the same thing as therapy.  Many of us think of utilizing counselors as something shameful, an admission that something is fundamentally wrong with ourselves.  To the contrary, seeing professional help, to me, is the most healthy action one can take for oneself.

Sending a lot of healing waves your way... .

[DPG]

DPG:

Please consider grief counseling.  For you are mourning the death of a dream.  It is the fantasy of what could have been and what should have been that is so hard to give up. 

But death of a kind also results in rebirth.  The Phoenix will rise brighter and shinier.  Give it time.  Let your psyche heal.

I wasted 8 years of my youth in mourning a divorce.  I was ashamed and thought that I had broken a sacred covenant. (I am a DV survivor.)  Fast Forward:  I have been happily remarried going on our 22nd year.  I lack nothing.

If I had elected counseling, my grief and mourning and shame probably would have lasted for a year... .or less... .perhaps I could have allowed myself several more years of happiness.

So, based on my personal experience, I'd recommend counseling for yourself.  Counseling is not the same thing as therapy.  Many of us think of utilizing counselors as something shameful, an admission that something is fundamentally wrong with ourselves.  To the contrary, seeing professional help, to me, is the most healthy action one can take for oneself.

Sending a lot of healing waves your way... .

Thanks, that's very thoughtful. I know I'll get over this and have even signed up on a dating site. It's just difficult. Do you think she will ever contact me? My gut tells me that even if she did I wouldn't trust a reconciliation attempt. I know I was far from a perfect husband but I've been hurt a lot.

[pallavirajsinghani]

DPG:  I intuitively believe that dating when you are hurting will be only a distraction from pain.  You have a lot of good memories to build up and perhaps rediscover the skill of creating good memories entirely from the ground up... .please do consider counseling, whether dating or not... .

[OnceConfused]

I can see the pain and suffering you are feeling from the divorce. I lost my wife from a car accident 11 years ago, I too felt that shock and the grief that came with the event.

Trust me, time will be the healer of all things.

Have you tried to sit down and write down on a piece of paper:

1. All the positive things about your marriage

2. All the negative things about your marriage

3. Can you see living with her in the same condition for the next 5, 10 or 20 yrs.

You must write down those + - so that your objective mind can see them.

I may also suggest that you seek professional therapy help. Those people are trained to help you see things in a lucid way, more so than any one of us can do here. During my short time with xBPDgf, I sought therapy and she was the one that pointed me to understand BPD and helped me see through my confusion and attachment with xBPDgf. Please do so ASAP. You will see the light and feel better.

[ForeverDad]

DPG:  I intuitively believe that dating when you are hurting will be only a distraction from pain.  You have a lot of good memories to build up and perhaps rediscover the skill of creating good memories entirely from the ground up... .please do consider counseling, whether dating or not... .

From the experience our members have had here it is strongly recommended we give ourselves time to recover.  Just as we emphasize that those in our lives with BPD cannot recover quickly, therapy would take many months if not years, then for us who have been so deeply affected, recovery for us too will be a process, not an event.

Dating is not a recovery tool nor indication you are recovered, it's a poor band-aid.  You need to clean the wound first.  As suggested, talk with a counselor for at least a few visits.  Counseling is Good.  The time for new relationships is later, after you've had so time to recover and get your head back on and straight.

No, we are not advocating isolation, quite the opposite, you do need to be out there with friends, family and acquaintances.  Just don't get into one-on-one relationships quite yet.  You're emotionally limping along and you don't want to burden someone else with your issues, it would be a difficult start to a new relationship.  Give yourself time to recover.  And counseling can move that along a little faster.