One Year On - A Cautionary Tale

[leo25i]

Hi All,  

This is rather long,

I was Involved with someone who exhibited BPD traits, The obvious symptoms were splitting/idealizing/devaluing. Lots of Push Pull, she led a sometime chaotic lifestyle but could always appear to be quite high functioning. She blamed me for  lots of things and accused me of lots of things. She had a narcissistic mum and drug addict/alcoholic dad who left her when she was small. She had a lot of very very tragic stories to tell, some of which were heartbreaking.  I was with her during her divorce and she went through a process of trying to make others believe (incorrectly) that her husband had abused their 4 year old daughter. Police social workers and forensic investigators were involved. It was a very distressing time for all involved, not least of which her 4 year old daughter - there was no evidence of any kind of abuse. She revealed to me that she had been coerced by a doctor into saying that her husband was a paedophile.

She went from quoting passages of the bible to me, eg. "My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, he is standing behind our wall, He is looking through the windows, He is peering through the lattice" (there were many more) and telling me within 2 weeks that she wanted to bear my child,  to saying I was like a child, that she didn't want another weak man in her life and I had ego problems and much more, and on one occasion after an argument that I was a f... .ing psychopath. The strength of the push pull was intense and after the last push we stopped  contact. I was in very very bad place for  along time after, all I could think was that she was the love of my life and I couldn't and didn't want to live without her, I also thought that I was the main problem a she always suggested.  but finally after a year had passed I felt like I had moved on significantly. Then someone she knows that I know told me she had posted something on line and that I should see it... .here it is: 3 months after we split up for the last time, she had ended it before... .

Sorry its long... .the man in question below is now in prison for fire arms offences and is a member of anti Islamic groups and the 'right wing news', he couldn't be more different to me, its quite frankly baffling and hard to make sense of... .

"haven't posted for a while. I'm pretty much over my recent n relationship but still reeling and learning valuable lessons from all the dodgy relationships I've been involved in.

So this new man appeared in my life to do some work on my house.

He's obviously trouble and of course I'm completely attracted to him. I tried to stay professional and had put some great boundaries in place, but with a complete lack of sense agreed to go for drinks with him. When we were out drinking he confessed to feeling jealous when I was playing pool with other guys even though at that point we hadn't even kissed!

I knew it was wrong but I felt reckless and we ended up kissing a couple of times this week.

He made it clear that he wants a relationship and he's such bad news, exactly the kind of guy I've dated a million times.

He's 'retired' from a well known biker group and is currently awaiting prison sentencing.

We have very different political views and he's baffled by feminism.

He's brought out all my codependent tendencies, he drinks heavily and has serious health issues which he's ignoring. He has sexy eyes and is fun to talk to. He said recently that his dream would be me waiting for him when he's released from jail! I told him I am not right for him and there's no way I'm ever going to sleep with him. So now he's stopped talking to me and no longer bothering me and of course now I miss him and crave the attention. I'm not going to contact him but I know he'll come around as he has several tools here.

I can't talk about this to anyone irl because they'd be horrified at what I've done, it's playing with fire, I thought I was getting so strong and then I've allowed myself to get involved with someone so wrong. Please talk to me and help me find a way back to sense.

I'm so confused why I even let myself go there, I knew from the second I met him that he was going to be a test for me, I was working so hard then he invited me and my little sister for a drink and rather than listening to my own common sense I absolved myself of responsibility and let my little sister make the decision, I know it was stupid and immature, I have been struggling with loneliness but I have been finding great ways of dealing with it and thought I had really grown. He pushes all my buttons, everything he says is a red flag and I'm eyes wide open but strangely attracted.

My own father has serious issues and is exactly the same as this guy, even down to physical appearance and my dad was in prison for exactly the same crime as this man is going down for, so it's not difficult to see where the attraction comes from, I just don't want it, it doesn't fit any part of my life now. I was in counselling earlier in the year then my counsellor stopped working and I have tried two more since, both of whom had serious boundary issues so I let them go and now I'm trying to manage on my own, I feel vulnerable and stupid when I was doing so well.


I felt sad that she is going through this, we had a 10 year friendship before our 8 month whirlwind romance, during which I thought all of my dreams had come true.


I kind of wish I hadn't been directed to this, but I curiosity got the better of me and I made a choice to look, its confusing because I don't Understand why she would associate with someone like that, inviting someone like that into her home when she has young and very vulnerable children. Also she made it very clear that all of the problems were due to me and I started to believe she was fine and rational and I was the one who had major problems.

So to my note of caution to anyone who has read this far... .in retrospect one year on all I have done is opened up an old wound, it has served no purpose other than to further muddy the waters and through up further questions regarding whom I was really with during our relationship. So if you are thinking about opening up an 'old wound' because you think it may help, well it didn't help me so I would advise against it.

I am getting support from a psychotherapist for the issues this has brought up from me concerning my role I play in relationships, its been a very painful time but also very interesting on lots of different levels.

[Fr4nz]

So, your question is: why she associates with such people?

The answer is: BPDs have a deficient self, they really don't know who they are; hence, they always need to find someone to feel complete. That's also why BPDs have, in lots of cases, partners which are very different from one another: they only need another self to feel complete, but since they don't know who they are, partners are chosen based solely on the need to feel "complete".

Another thing to say is that, usually, cluster Bs tend to attract to each other, so is not uncommon to see BPD/NPD combos, as well as BPD/ASPD combos... .