Scary situation with my baby

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Last night my uBPD husband got mad at me (I told him in an annoyed tone that I didn't want him to put pepper in my dinner).  Then while we were eating (on the couch) he told me to watch the baby.  I did my best to eat and watch the baby (ten months old) at the same time.  The baby fell down and hit her face on the coffee table (she was not really hurt, had no mark), but my husband was livid.  Thankfully he just walked away.

When he came back, after a bit, I told him (my mistake to justify) that she was okay and she was a baby and babies fall down and it's okay.  He got even more pissed.  I tried to get myself out of the situation by saying the baby needed to go to bed (which was true), but he demanded I give him the baby.  I gave him to her, but she immediately started crying, reaching for me, and calling "mamamama".  I asked him to give her back to I could put her to bed but he refused.  He said that I was a bad mother and didn't know how to take care of her so he was never giving her back.

He went upstairs and started to change her all the while the baby was screaming and visibly upset.  I kept pleading for him to give her back and to think of the baby instead of himself.  I told him that he could yell at me later, but please not to make the baby pay because he was mad at me.  He refused.  He called me stupid, then started screaming "your ___ing mother!  It's her fault that you hate me."  Then he kicked a box and threw her clothes, all the while the baby is on the changing table still crying.

Finally he took her to the bedroom and he handed her over to me but then shoved me.   I told him that was the kind of behavior that previously led to a CPS report being filed against him, which only provoked him more.  He screamed that the whole CPS situation was my fault and that he was going to file a CPS report against me for being a bad mother if I wasn't careful.

I got the baby down and then went downstairs to talk to him.

He told me that I should be scared because he is going to hurt me, not "physically".  He is going to take my baby away "the legal way" and I am never going to see her again.  I better be ready for a "battle" because he is going to fight forever until he has custody and I can never see the baby again.

I was more composed since the baby was out of the situation, so I just let him talk, even though it was obviously incredibly hurtful and scary what he was saying. 

Finally he calmed down when he could see that I wasn't engaging in his drama.

He said that when the baby fell, I should have just had sympathy (e.g. "I know it's scary when the baby falls, I should have paid more attention." instead of trying to "defend myself".

I know there are things I could have done to avoid falling into this situation (not engaged in his initial drama, given sympathy instead of "defending myself" as he said), but it is pretty hard to be perfect all of the time!

What can I do if I am in this type of scary situation again?  I am terrified that our baby is becoming traumatized by all of this, but I am also terrified of what will happen if I try to leave my husband.  Even though I think that a court wouldn't see me as "unfit" because my baby fell and didn't hurt herself, it's scary to think of fighting for custody in a court and the possibility of him being alone with her even for a short time.  He has NEVER in ten months taken sole responsibility for caring for her.  Even if he did not have mental issues, he is simply unprepared to parent by himself.  He has no experience.

Other than practicing methods to avoid getting into dramas, what can I do to get out of a scary situation involving the baby in the future?

Also, is there anyone else out there who can understand how incredibly stressful it is to handle caring for an active baby (I work full time, but only have part-time help, so all afternoons, I care for her myself and "work" as best I can on my own).  I spend so much time saying "no!" "don't touch that!" "don't put that in your mouth!" and it is hard to keep patience.  On top of that, it is sad and really hard to be a new mom and at the same time have my "partner" telling me that I am a "bad mother" and "if he had boobs, he wouldn't need me at all" because he would do everything "better" than me (while at the same time he is barely lifting a finger to parent in ways that he could-he has only fed and changed her diaper less than a handful of times in ten months despite my offering "hey would you like to x" many times).  Please tell me I'm not alone!  How did you get through this?

I feel like I'm already fantasizing about the day my daughter will be an adult and I can explain in a way that she can understand "daddy is mentally ill and I can't take care of him anymore, so I am leaving" and not worry that he will get custody.

Feeling devastated.

[tm006f]

Last night my uBPD husband got mad at me (I told him in an annoyed tone that I didn't want him to put pepper in my dinner).  Then while we were eating (on the couch) he told me to watch the baby.  I did my best to eat and watch the baby (ten months old) at the same time.  The baby fell down and hit her face on the coffee table (she was not really hurt, had no mark), but my husband was livid.  Thankfully he just walked away.

When he came back, after a bit, I told him (my mistake to justify) that she was okay and she was a baby and babies fall down and it's okay.  He got even more pissed.  I tried to get myself out of the situation by saying the baby needed to go to bed (which was true), but he demanded I give him the baby.  I gave him to her, but she immediately started crying, reaching for me, and calling "mamamama".  I asked him to give her back to I could put her to bed but he refused.  He said that I was a bad mother and didn't know how to take care of her so he was never giving her back.

He went upstairs and started to change her all the while the baby was screaming and visibly upset.  I kept pleading for him to give her back and to think of the baby instead of himself.  I told him that he could yell at me later, but please not to make the baby pay because he was mad at me.  He refused.  He called me stupid, then started screaming "your ___ing mother!  It's her fault that you hate me."  Then he kicked a box and threw her clothes, all the while the baby is on the changing table still crying.

Finally he took her to the bedroom and he handed her over to me but then shoved me.   I told him that was the kind of behavior that previously led to a CPS report being filed against him, which only provoked him more.  He screamed that the whole CPS situation was my fault and that he was going to file a CPS report against me for being a bad mother if I wasn't careful.

I got the baby down and then went downstairs to talk to him.

He told me that I should be scared because he is going to hurt me, not "physically".  He is going to take my baby away "the legal way" and I am never going to see her again.  I better be ready for a "battle" because he is going to fight forever until he has custody and I can never see the baby again.

I was more composed since the baby was out of the situation, so I just let him talk, even though it was obviously incredibly hurtful and scary what he was saying. 

Finally he calmed down when he could see that I wasn't engaging in his drama.

He said that when the baby fell, I should have just had sympathy (e.g. "I know it's scary when the baby falls, I should have paid more attention." instead of trying to "defend myself".

I know there are things I could have done to avoid falling into this situation (not engaged in his initial drama, given sympathy instead of "defending myself" as he said), but it is pretty hard to be perfect all of the time!

What can I do if I am in this type of scary situation again?  I am terrified that our baby is becoming traumatized by all of this, but I am also terrified of what will happen if I try to leave my husband.  Even though I think that a court wouldn't see me as "unfit" because my baby fell and didn't hurt herself, it's scary to think of fighting for custody in a court and the possibility of him being alone with her even for a short time.  He has NEVER in ten months taken sole responsibility for caring for her.  Even if he did not have mental issues, he is simply unprepared to parent by himself.  He has no experience.

Other than practicing methods to avoid getting into dramas, what can I do to get out of a scary situation involving the baby in the future?

Also, is there anyone else out there who can understand how incredibly stressful it is to handle caring for an active baby (I work full time, but only have part-time help, so all afternoons, I care for her myself and "work" as best I can on my own).  I spend so much time saying "no!" "don't touch that!" "don't put that in your mouth!" and it is hard to keep patience.  On top of that, it is sad and really hard to be a new mom and at the same time have my "partner" telling me that I am a "bad mother" and "if he had boobs, he wouldn't need me at all" because he would do everything "better" than me (while at the same time he is barely lifting a finger to parent in ways that he could-he has only fed and changed her diaper less than a handful of times in ten months despite my offering "hey would you like to x" many times).  Please tell me I'm not alone!  How did you get through this?

I feel like I'm already fantasizing about the day my daughter will be an adult and I can explain in a way that she can understand "daddy is mentally ill and I can't take care of him anymore, so I am leaving" and not worry that he will get custody.

Feeling devastated.

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it must be very hard to deal with. It's so hard to deal with BPD, and other PDs solo, but add a baby into that mix, and it's even harder. pwBPD will use the baby as a pawn, and to control you. It is a mental illness, but I feel they KNOW that is just wrong, yet so many of them still do it. Children should never be used to hurt the other parent(or anyone). BPDh's kids are using his grandkids to try to get him to leave me. They refuse to let him see them or his grandkids, because they've decided to hate me. I'd lay money they are all some form of personality disordered. It does tend to fun in families, plus, kids learn what they see.

You may have to do whatever is necessary to protect you and your baby. It will effect this child as she grows up, and it's effecting YOU now. As much as you can, try not to engage with him, but document the things he does/says. Somewhere where he'll never find it. Maybe email it or a hidden file on your computer? I understand wanting things to work out, as I'm there myself, but if he's constantly threatening to take your child, and he's acting out physically, that is not okay.

My BPDh used to threaten all the time. It was awful, and it did huge damage, but guess what, he's almost totally stopped. He was always threatening to leave me, divorce me, and used it to scare and control me. If my BPDh can stop, I'd bet yours can, because I never thought mine would be able to stop, as it seems so ingrained.

Asking him for help with the baby is probably going to be useless, or make him angry. Plus, it sounds as if you don't totally trust him with her? Baby skills can be learned, but his anger issues would really worry me. If he's kicking boxes, and yelling like that around her, I can see why you wouldn't want to leave her alone with him.

Hugs to you, and I hope others have advice on what else you can do.

[rarsweet]

This sounds horrible. I completely understand how stressful this is. The simplest thing I see to attack is baby proofing. I have my house set up so that anything my 15 month old can get to is ok. Anything I don't want her to reach is literally out of reach.  I even gave her her own little trashcan so that she can throw paper and stuff in it so she doesn't want to get into the family trash with food and germs in it. This relieves so much stress because I don't have to be constantly at her saying "no" Sometimes she pulls books off of her bookcase, so what, it's just a little mess to clean up. The second thing I would do is get involved with any neutral people who can see you as a mother. It can be as simple as story time at the library. Do not isolate yourself or your daughter. The third thing I would do is start documenting things, get a diary, get an app on your phone for memos, I now email myself with memos so that they are time stamped, anything. Do you have good family support? Do you have neighbors that you can be chummy with? Can you get into some counseling yourself? Even if you have to tell your bf something like you just want help being a new mom? I cannot say enough about counseling. It is a Godsend. Someone told me last year "You don't have to enter the ring every time someone invites you to a fight" is such a helpful thing to remember. Are there any domestic violence agencies in your area? You could contact one just to talk.

[rarsweet]

I think a lot of us, I speak from having two older children as well, we expect our kids to adjust to us. It relieves so much stress to adjust to our kids. My daughter loves doors. The little door stop things you can put in for baby proofing leave room for the door to be opened just enough to open it and bang it shut. If I put these on the cupboard doors daughter would be banging them and throwing fits all day trying to get into them. This would be stressful. If I did nothing she would either get into stuff she shouldn't that could be dangerous or I could be stressed out all day trying to keep her out of the cupboards. What I have done is let all the bottom cupboards be safe for her. Literally all of my lower kitchen cupboards have things like one cupboard is Tupperware, one is plastic bowls and plates, one I put empty soda boxes and juice bottles (she loves to play with these), another one I have just her applesauce, Gerber foods, etc. I let her have a free for all with all the cupboards. In my bathroom under the sink I just put diapers, hair brushes, packages of wipes, etc. She can get into it. Sometimes I find her toys hidden in there. It's ok. I adjusted to her. With my older kids I didn't and I was a much more stressed out mom. My daughter will go pick out her own snacks when I ask her if she wants a snack.  If I ask her if she pooped she will go grab a diaper from under the sink. I send her on little scavenger hunts too. When I am doing dishes or something I will say "Baby where's your kitty cat?" or" find your owl book" she will go look for them while I am occupied. I'll keep reminding her if she is taking a while. Obviously this has to be in consideration of their age but it's such simple things that really relieve stress being a parent. Babies love grown up stuff. If I hand her a bracelet of mine she is ecstatic. She kept wanting my Dunkin Donuts cup. I got an empty cup from there so she can have "coffee" when I do. I don't have to tell her "no that's hot" anymore. She has her own. She learned to work the vcr,dvd player at about her first birthday. When I saw her walking around holding a dvd I freaked picturing what would happen if she fell holding it. I put all the dvd's up high and left a bunch of Disney vhs tapes down bottom. She can open a movie, put it in, eject it, rewind it, etc. Once she learned the tapes wouldn't fit in the dvd part she just focuses on the vhs side. It's ok. She can't get hurt. The worst that happens is she puts in movies for 10 seconds and then changes them constantly. It's pretty funny. Sometimes we just have to cut ourselves some slack. With my first child I didn't allow toys out of her bedroom. Now I have a basket in the living room. When enough toys come out of the bedrooms to fill it we bring them back and start over.

[tm006f]

Thanks everyone for the support.  Things are calmer this week.  I'm really working on my patience and walking away from drama.  The other night my husband was annoyed because I was too tired to be intimate, when I left he started crying (which he hardly ever does).  Usually I would have gone back downstairs and gotten sucked into a drama.  I just let him cry.  That was really hard to do, because if I were crying, I would want comfort.  He slept downstairs and didn't create any further drama and seemed unaffected by the fact that I left him.  He was fine the next day, so I think I made the right call.  I'm also reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  We are each in individual therapy and we have started couples therapy.  I am trying really hard to adjust my expectations of couples therapy from "let's fix him!" to "what can I do? how can we fix this relationship?"  That's also hard for me, especially when I told this story about what happened with the baby to the therapist and the therapist's suggestion if it happened again was to just back off and give my husband 5 minutes.  He agreed with my husband that my husband wouldn't have kicked the box or thrown anything if I hadn't been there upsetting him.  It's very hard to trust.  We made an agreement that if something like that happened again, we would have a safe word and then I would back off for five minutes and then he has to give me the baby back.  We'll see if that works.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for him to go off the rails completely before anyone will believe me!  Trying to trust the process though... .in the meantime, thanks for the tips on babyproofing, etc.  That is very helpful.