The Talk

[Beacher]

I have been posting here and getting great advice. I feel stronger but know something has to change with my BPD husband after 10 years of dealing with this. My daughter is getting married soon and was advised by my psychologist to keep things calm until then. This is what I am hoping to say to him, using the SET technique. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I love you. Not just because you are my husband, or because you have bought me nice things and do thoughtful things for me or because you are always there for me. I love you because you are one of the best people I have ever met in my life. You are kind to others, you go out of your way to make people feel good about themselves, you try to help and do for others every day. Your generosity knows no bounds. You are loved by many, but especially by me. I can't see myself without you in my life.

I can't even imagine the pain you have gone through in your lifetime. The depression you have suffered for various life events, your anxiety, the pain must be tremendous at times and overwhelming. I too am suffering and take medication now for this and I'm sure your pain must be tenfold. Your father abused you and your mother abandoned you throughout your childhood and it is a very heavy load to carry. I am always here for you and want to help you.

But in every relationship, no matter if it's a parent, spouse, coworker or friend, there are always boundaries we must choose to be true to ourselves and to be happy. When you become upset with me and insult me, call me names and threaten me, it hurts me a great deal. I can't think or talk or be near you when this happens. It's also not a good idea to pull me or grab at me- I become very frightened. I know you don't want to hurt me. I think when you are feeling badly so,etimes it's hard for you to control your emotions- I see you agitation rise very quickly and then it's hard to talk or reason during a conversation. I've heard it described almost like emotional hemophilia- if one thinks someone is trying to hurt them all the emotions come flooding out at once and it's hard to take a step back and see what someone has tried to tell you. Do you so,etimes feel this way?

I love you but think what's happening here goes much further than depression. Maybe we need to explore this more because I want to be able to communicate better and help make our marriage work. The same situations happen over and over and it's making us both very unhappy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

I think it's really good that you sat down and wrote that letter. Writing often helps us clarify our thoughts, what we really are feeling or wanting.

It sounds like you are hoping to get him to take on some boundary issues. I am still learning about boundaries, too. I keep making the mistake of trying to talk to my boyfriend about them. He only listens to how I enforce my boundaries, not what I tell him they are.

Did you give him this letter? What happened?

[Ceruleanblue]

I've presented short(and some longer) speeches, where I thought BPDh was listening, and knew how much I love him, and wanted our marriage to work, but these well intentioned speeches went nowhere. In fact, he'd twist what I said to be something blaming, and not see any good in what I said. I don't think it necessarily matters how carefully you choose your words so as to not make them defensive, or how much you stress their good qualities. I think most(not all) with BPD just hate to face the fact that their actions don't just effect them, and that they need to work on some of their own issues and actions.

I've also written emails, expressing my love and concern, but they also went ignored. My BPDh decided to get help after we reconciled, and two of his four kids want nothing to do with his(they are PD too). I'm still not sure why he decided to get help, but I can say that his DBT therapy has not done tons of good, nor have his meds. It's helped slightly, but I think there has to be desire to change, and accountability, both which my BPDh lacks, in large part. I'd bet those with BPD who get a lot better, truly want to get better, and don't stop working on themselves, and learn to respect other people's boundaries, and have some of their own.

You aren't out anything for trying to talk to him, or writing the letter, but just don't be super disappointed if you don't get the result you'd like to get. Hugs to you. 

[Beacher]

You are 100% right. I've written so many carefully crafted letters and tried talking and it has gotten me nowhere. Always accused of pointing fingers and not looking in the mirror at myself. Even with a third party present ( therapists, we've been to 3) he just shakes his head. Once said " I've finally realized I've married beneath me". What a horrible thing to say to me. Worse than " you f--King b___ and the other devastating things I've been called and accused of. I try to focus on he doesn't mean it and it's all fear based, and when I try to create boundaries and say I should not be spoken to like that, he brushes it off. Never in my life have I been treated like this. When he's not behaving like this he is the most kind, thoughtful man in the world. The black and white behavior is mind boggling and I've only heard him speak to his parents like this. Thanks for the support and listening to me...

[waverider]

To be honest carefully scripted notes are not received as a thoughtful structure to build your life on. They are received as a whole pile of rocks they can pick through to rearrange and add to the next avalanche they are going to dump on your head.

They leave you feeling cheated and betrayed as they fail to see, and appreciate, how much effort you are putting into trying to be constructive.

i am sure most of us have done this at some stage

[Rockylove]

To be honest carefully scripted notes are not received as a thoughtful structure to build your life on. They are received as a whole pile of rocks they can pick through to rearrange and add to the next avalanche they are going to dump on your head.

They leave you feeling cheated and betrayed as they fail to see, and appreciate, how much effort you are putting into trying to be constructive.

i am sure most of us have done this at some stage

Been there!  I was amazed at how masterfully he twisted and manipulated EVERYTHING I wrote.  It had me scratching my head when the emails were written (and I was still unsure of BPD), but now I'm just in awe of his skill! 

[Beacher]

I know. Then I am accused of by him AND our couples therapists as being passive aggressive and all I'm trying to do is stay quiet and out of the line of fire because as you both have said- it doesn't matter what I say or do, it's always wrong. A no win situation

[waverider]

I know. Then I am accused of by him AND our couples therapists as being passive aggressive and all I'm trying to do is stay quiet and out of the line of fire because as you both have said- it doesn't matter what I say or do, it's always wrong. A no win situation

Glad you brought up the passive aggressive issue. The problem is we are so afraid of our partners dysfunctional reactions that often we can become passive aggressive at times. It is something we have to watch out for. It comes out as an expression of our resentment.

We know what happens if we are "active aggressive" and we need to find a way of getting aggression out of our system somehow. It is a human emotion and can't be bottled up forever

[unicorn2014]

I have been posting here and getting great advice. I feel stronger but know something has to change with my BPD husband after 10 years of dealing with this. My daughter is getting married soon and was advised by my psychologist to keep things calm until then. This is what I am hoping to say to him, using the SET technique. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I love you. Not just because you are my husband, or because you have bought me nice things and do thoughtful things for me or because you are always there for me. I love you because you are one of the best people I have ever met in my life. You are kind to others, you go out of your way to make people feel good about themselves, you try to help and do for others every day. Your generosity knows no bounds. You are loved by many, but especially by me. I can't see myself without you in my life.

I can't even imagine the pain you have gone through in your lifetime. The depression you have suffered for various life events, your anxiety, the pain must be tremendous at times and overwhelming. I too am suffering and take medication now for this and I'm sure your pain must be tenfold. Your father abused you and your mother abandoned you throughout your childhood and it is a very heavy load to carry. I am always here for you and want to help you.

But in every relationship, no matter if it's a parent, spouse, coworker or friend, there are always boundaries we must choose to be true to ourselves and to be happy. When you become upset with me and insult me, call me names and threaten me, it hurts me a great deal. I can't think or talk or be near you when this happens. It's also not a good idea to pull me or grab at me- I become very frightened. I know you don't want to hurt me. I think when you are feeling badly so,etimes it's hard for you to control your emotions- I see you agitation rise very quickly and then it's hard to talk or reason during a conversation. I've heard it described almost like emotional hemophilia- if one thinks someone is trying to hurt them all the emotions come flooding out at once and it's hard to take a step back and see what someone has tried to tell you. Do you so,etimes feel this way?

I love you but think what's happening here goes much further than depression. Maybe we need to explore this more because I want to be able to communicate better and help make our marriage work. The same situations happen over and over and it's making us both very unhappy.

Beacher, that is a really beautifully written letter. It really moved me. I hope the outcome is in your favor.