Trying to accept the past, Hoping for a future

[Hopeful4Future]

Hi. I read walking on eggshells. and it inspired me to seek out a place to say this stuff.

When i try to talk to people in my life about it... .Im not sure that they believe me. Or maybe its too much to respond to.

My fiancé is wonderful and he has always been cool with my BPD mom (undiagnosed).  My mom is alive but I can't talk to her.  She gets in my head too much.  I try to rationalize what she says, but its coming from her reality and its usually very confrontational.

She was physically abusive when me and my siblings were young. We grew up thinking we deserved it. But when she did it to my younger sibs for no apparent reason, I had to wonder if I really did anything to deserve the abuse at the level that she went to.

She used to tell me that I was trying to steal my father away from her.  Sometimes she would say that I was possessed by evil. That was confusing because I was 12 at the time.

She told my older brother that he was lucky she didn't abort him.  And my younger brother that he was gay (which is totally cool if he was but he's not). and my sister she tried to convince that she had down syndrome (which she doesn't have).

It wasn't all bad.  My mom gave us a really good life and raised us to be free spirited.  I really do love her so much.

My mom has never said the words "Im sorry" she never will admit that anything she has said or done was wrong. I know wrong isn't the best word to use. But she hurt us. Ive tried as an adult for the last 8 years to communicate and see her but every time it turns into a rehash of her version of the past. And how horrible EVERYONE was to her. How abusive my father was.  We were homeschooled, we were home all the time and my father never laid a violent hand on her. 

I want to have her in my life.  I hate to think that she won't be there one day and I will never get a chance to have mom again.

I don't know how to have a future.  Im going to be getting married soon and I want her to be there.

At my older brothers wedding she threw a huge fit screaming at everyone.  It was horrible. 

Her unpredictability scares me.

Im not sure if anyone will read this... .I guess I just wonder if anyone has navigated the same situation?

[Kwamina]

Hi Hopeful4Future

Welcome to bpdfamily. I like your screenname! There is always hope

Your mother has treated you and your siblings in an abusive manner which is quite difficult indeed. It's also clear that in spite of everything that has happened,  you do care about your mother and want her to be a part of your life. BPD is a challenging disorder but there are tools that might help you better deal with your mother.

Ive tried as an adult for the last 8 years to communicate and see her but every time it turns into a rehash of her version of the past. And how horrible EVERYONE was to her. How abusive my father was.  We were homeschooled, we were home all the time and my father never laid a violent hand on her.  

I want to have her in my life.  I hate to think that she won't be there one day and I will never get a chance to have mom again.

I don't know how to have a future.  Im going to be getting married soon and I want her to be there.

At my older brothers wedding she threw a huge fit screaming at everyone.  It was horrible.  

Her unpredictability scares me.

To help you communicate with your mother I suggest you take a look at some of the communication tools we have here. These tools can help you express and assert yourself in a way that minimizes the likelihood of (further) conflict, while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to her and also helping you set and enforce/defend boundaries. There are no guarantees of course, but I do believe these tools could potentiall also be helpful to you in your interactions with your mother:

Communication Skills - Validation

Express yourself: S.E.T. --> Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

I hope you will find this helpful. Many of our members (including me) know how difficult it is having a BPD manner and have indeed navigated the same situation you are in. That's why I'm glad you are reaching out for support and advice here.

Take care and I encourage you to keep on posting

[HappyChappy]

Hi Hopeful4Future

So sorry you’ve had to deal with all this. Been through similar and it’s tough. But help is at hand on this website, so your comment:

“When I try to talk to people in my life about it... .I’m not sure that they believe me. Or maybe it’s too much to respond to.”

I found it to be they don’t know how to respond or relate,  but you will be believed here (we share the same experiences) and people know how to respond.  So of course she would make you believe it’s your fault for the physical abuse. I had 7 black eyes in a year due to being “clumsy” (not). I was also told I was unwanted as a child etc...

What helped me, was to realise that a BPD of the age your mother must be, is unlikely to ever change. So unfortunately that means she will try and sabotage your wedding (as she did with your brother and as mine did with mine an my sisters). But you always have the choice to decided how you handle it. My sister barred my mother from her wedding and I allowed her to do her crazy rubbish.

But here you will get validation, we will listen, we want to (it’s therapeutic to help others) and you get great advice, especially from the forum moderators. What helped me recently has been watching “Everyone loves Raymond”  sit com about his real life mother who has BPD and father NPD. The following clip is about how his mother wrecked his brother’s wedding, he reveals how he copes with his mother. Bear in mind that most of his joke refer back to all the criticisms made by his BPD during the wedding she’s just wrecked:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVPcklJ8M0w

I wouldn’t recommend confronting a BPD in this way (my BPD would hit the roof), but boy is it funny to watch from a safe distance. My friends and I use to joke about my BPD (never to her face). I would recommended taking advice from the moderators on this board for more conventional techniques to cope, and are many for you to try. Welcome.