Is Closure Attainable

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Like most of you here, I am hearbroken, but ready to move forward to a healthier place.  Is there such thing as real 'closure' with an exBPD partner?  Either the conversation becomes heated and we argue or he shows me the very loving side of him that I fell in love with which makes me vulnerable.

I feel the need to exress my hurt, anger, love, and then walk away.  Is this ever really possible?

[MissTeacup]

Like most of you here, I am hearbroken, but ready to move forward to a healthier place.  Is there such thing as real 'closure' with an exBPD partner?  Either the conversation becomes heated and we argue or he shows me the very loving side of him that I fell in love with which makes me vulnerable.

I feel the need to exress my hurt, anger, love, and then walk away.  Is this ever really possible?

[Lonely_Astro]

Like most of you here, I am hearbroken, but ready to move forward to a healthier place.  Is there such thing as real 'closure' with an exBPD partner?  Either the conversation becomes heated and we argue or he shows me the very loving side of him that I fell in love with which makes me vulnerable.

I feel the need to exress my hurt, anger, love, and then walk away.  Is this ever really possible?

In my situation, closure didn't happen the first time.  She simply vanished from my life and I had to find closure on my own.  How I did that was finally coming to realize that I wasn't really the problem in our relationship, frankly she (and her disorder) were.  I was fully NC with her (besides when we had to interact at work and even that was minimal) for 3 years.  I moved on and so did she.  We reconnected and a new relationship formed.  She seemed to have her disorder in check, but as time has proven this time, she has lost control and basically is back to the way she was then.

I am not going to seek closure this time around.  Yes, detaching is a process, but I am simply planning to ghost out of her life like she did me then.  After all, she's been very hot/cold lately and as of this writing is giving me the silent treatment for whatever reason.  I don't plan to re-engauge her at this point, I'm simply going to move on.  I've tried my hardest to make it work and I am just not interested in the immature bs she's pulling now.

Seek your own closure, don't expect them to give it to you (after all that can't face themselves in the end, how do you expect them to face you?).

[zundertowz]

In my case there was never any closure, I think you just slowly heal and become apathetic.  It's a hard and long process, I think I ruminated about my ex everyday for 7 months.  Like you I was also ready to move on and done with the relationship and it still took me 7 months.  Don't look to him for closure you will never get it and he will hold you back. What I did was get all my thoughts out in a letter, sent it to her, then went No contact forever. 

[toddinrochester]

I still to this day have conversations with her where I tell her off. They are getting less frequent and less heated. Its a tough nut to crack. This is like nothing you have ever experienced before. It is a difficult closure at best in the end.

[MissTeacup]

In my situation, closure didn't happen the first time.  She simply vanished from my life and I had to find closure on my own.  How I did that was finally coming to realize that I wasn't really the problem in our relationship, frankly she (and her disorder) were.  I was fully NC with her (besides when we had to interact at work and even that was minimal) for 3 years.  I moved on and so did she.  We reconnected and a new relationship formed.  She seemed to have her disorder in check, but as time has proven this time, she has lost control and basically is back to the way she was then.

I am not going to seek closure this time around.  Yes, detaching is a process, but I am simply planning to ghost out of her life like she did me then.  After all, she's been very hot/cold lately and as of this writing is giving me the silent treatment for whatever reason.  I don't plan to re-engauge her at this point, I'm simply going to move on.  I've tried my hardest to make it work and I am just not interested in the immature bs she's pulling now.

Seek your own closure, don't expect them to give it to you (after all that can't face themselves in the end, how do you expect them to face you?).[/quote]
Our situations are similar!  I work with my exBPD and this was our second attempt at reconciliation.  I should have known better aftter the first time around.

[Lonely_Astro]

In my situation, closure didn't happen the first time.  She simply vanished from my life and I had to find closure on my own.  How I did that was finally coming to realize that I wasn't really the problem in our relationship, frankly she (and her disorder) were.  I was fully NC with her (besides when we had to interact at work and even that was minimal) for 3 years.  I moved on and so did she.  We reconnected and a new relationship formed.  She seemed to have her disorder in check, but as time has proven this time, she has lost control and basically is back to the way she was then.

I am not going to seek closure this time around.  Yes, detaching is a process, but I am simply planning to ghost out of her life like she did me then.  After all, she's been very hot/cold lately and as of this writing is giving me the silent treatment for whatever reason.  I don't plan to re-engauge her at this point, I'm simply going to move on.  I've tried my hardest to make it work and I am just not interested in the immature bs she's pulling now.

Seek your own closure, don't expect them to give it to you (after all that can't face themselves in the end, how do you expect them to face you?).

Our situations are similar!  I work with my exBPD and this was our second attempt at reconciliation.  I should have known better aftter the first time around.[/quote]
Working with mine makes it more uncomfortable, for sure.  She did a great job of making me think that she had gotten her stuff together.  When we did talk 3 years after our first failure, she was very lucid and seemed very genuine.  I don't feel like she was manipulating me at that moment and once our relationship started to take off again, she made it very clear to me that she understood I would be hesitant.  She did everything she could to show me that she was doing great and had a handle on her condition.  I believe she did, then.

I feel like as our relationship progressed, it was harder for her to stay focused and eventually let the demon of BPD back in (or wasn't able to hide it from me any longer).  When things started popping up that was weird to me, I would ask her about it (something she told me to do in the beginning, but when I did she would get mad about it)... .like the past, she always had an excuse.  However, once she got the opportunity to really be with me all the time, it fell apart quickly.  I think she loved the idea of me more than me (of course it seems most BPDs are in love with falling into love).  I think the final blow came when her estranged husband served her the papers the other day (and my honest opinion is I believe she's trying to reconcile with him all the while keeping me in the pocket or she's found someone else to occupy her and the honeymoon phase is going strong with them).

But, alas, I decided it would be best for me to heal myself from her abuse and move on.  In time (I fell it will be shorter this time than last), I will be ok.  I just know that she'll forever be haunted by her disorder and I feel sorry for her and I feel sorry for her future "love" (he'll think he's getting the best, when he's not).  She once said to me that she was afraid I'd one day hate her, I wouldn't say I "hate" her, but I'd truly like to give her a piece of my mind right now.  Not for her sake, for mine.  But, why waste the energy?

[Learning Fast]

Excluding the disorder, closure would be probable.  However, including the disorder makes closure impossible.  Sadly, we can't split the individual from the disorder---they come as a package.

I try to recognize that the disorder thwarts closure.  But it is an ongoing struggle.

[myself]

I'd truly like to give her a piece of my mind right now.  Not for her sake, for mine.  But, why waste the energy?

Maybe it wouldn't be a waste of energy but a release?

Not that you have to say anything to her (but, maybe you do).

Write it all out and then delete it. Don't send it. Or: Do send.

This is about your closure. What's best for you?

I'm glad I spoke my truth at the end. It's less heavy now.

Accepting the r/s is over, and moving on, helps bring peace of mind.

[C.Stein]

I wrote the long email and sent it in an attempt to get some closure.   

I think she at least skimmed it, but I'm not sure.  I also feel I left many things unsaid.

I doubt I will ever get true closure as she will never be able to see it through my eyes.

[Lonely_Astro]

I'd truly like to give her a piece of my mind right now.  Not for her sake, for mine.  But, why waste the energy?

Maybe it wouldn't be a waste of energy but a release?

Not that you have to say anything to her (but, maybe you do).

Write it all out and then delete it. Don't send it. Or: Do send.

This is about your closure. What's best for you?

I'm glad I spoke my truth at the end. It's less heavy now.

Accepting the r/s is over, and moving on, helps bring peace of mind.

I guess sitting down and writing it out isn't bad.  I've done it several times.  For me, I don't think I would send/give it to her.  Mainly because she would fake not understanding where the letter came from or she would pretend it came out of the blue, basically twist me into the bad guy for having feelings for her (she's done that one before) or something else I don't really have the patience for right now.

No, in the end I'll reach my own form of closure.  I suspect she'll contact me in a few days, but I have no intention on answering her.  She'll get the hint quick enough that I'm not going to be her puppy anymore.

[Lonely_Astro]

I wrote the long email and sent it in an attempt to get some closure.   

I think she at least skimmed it, but I'm not sure.  I also feel I left many things unsaid.

I doubt I will ever get true closure as she will never be able to see it through my eyes.

Yep, and that's how most of us got here.  They'll (most likely) not ever be able to empathize with us, but expect us to have unlimited empathy for them and "their struggles".  But, my pwBPD seemed to not give any mind to stomping on my feelings or minimizing what I was going through, but heaven forbid if I tried to silver line her "life"... .  . 

Example of Irony: once I was talking about feeling pushed aside because she didn't want to spend time with me and was complaining about some other stuff.  She said to me "I don't know why you're always complaining about things that go wrong in your life.  You have air in your lungs and a happy, healthy kid.  You have no reason to complain about anything."  This coming from someone who's almost 30, has no debt, is attractive, has a nice job, a nice car, nice clothes, and zero real-world responsibilities (she lives with her parents).  But, yeah, I'm the one who shouldn't ever complain, but should always be there for someone who constantly talks about how hard her life is.