Do BPD's love what they can't have?

[ee790]

Hi everyone!

I was just wondering if BPD's tend to love what they can't have. What I mean by this is:

I am no longer seeing my exBPD. I broke up with her a few weeks ago. I didn't talk to her for about 11 days (longest ever). During that time, she reached out to me in as many ways as you can see possible. I eventually accidentally (yes, I didn't mean to accept her call, I was just browsing on my phone and answered by accident. I instantly hung up and she called a lot after that. Eventually I answered. We hung out a couple times as friends, which she is well aware of. I know she wants to get back together but I am not going back. And I never will. I know that is for sure. At first, she was so happy that I was talking to her, and now its been about 5 days, and she already seems to be taking my presence and talking to her for granted. I'm just curious as to if BPD's tend to love what they can't have. Sorry if this is a weird question, but I hope I can get a few answers. I can elaborate a bit more on this if need be! Hope you're all doing well!

,E

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello ee790,

Welcome back.

It sounds like you are safe now,.past the cutting and she breaking your window with the rock-throwing incident. Talking to her is certainly a kind thing to do, given her past behaviors.

I can't speak for her, but it's likely she's still attached to you. Your prescence in her life was soothing to her,.and it may still be. A pwBPD can lack a strong sense of self, so she goes to that which may make her feel whole, perhaps temporarily soothing her emotions. To her, it might not register on the level of having hat she cannot have. That you are still in contact may give her hope. She may try to rekindle the r/s, but it would be based upon your boundaries, which you alone control... A casual friendship may be possible. What are your thoughts?

[ee790]

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for the quick response to my original post. I do still care for her a lot. And if I could have it my way, I would want a casual friendship with her. I told her last week that I insist we both see other people. I made it very clear that we can never work, and that my only intentions are to be friends. I want the best for her. She isn't actually identified as a BPD, so I suppose I am abusing this a bit. However, while I was back home for a little over a week, I did see a therapist that has dealt a lot with BPD individuals and relationships. I told her my story, and my therapist did agree that she most likely is a BPD. I would want to help her, but I don't know if it is worth my time and effort. I just wouldn't want someone else that she dates to get hurt so much like I did. I hope my exBPD can realize that we are only friends, and will be nothing more ever. Those are the thoughts I have been having. Thank you for listening

,E

[Turkish]

Hi ee970,

It sounds like you are exercising your boundaries and the desire to remain friends cautiously, which is good. Your post has been moved to the Improving/Staying Board for a wider audience. Take a look at the lessons to the right of the board. You may find support from senior members here who can give you good guidance on the "do's and dont's" of a r/s with a person who has BPD traits. Some members do remain friends with their former romantic partners with BPD. It helps to learn more about the disorder (we'll assume, based upon her traits), and how you can better respond to it, while protecting yourself with good boundaries.

Turkish