10 Months By the Wayside

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey All,

I haven't posted here in a few months. I just wanted to share my progress and let all of you know what it is like 10 months after an abandonment.

My Story

I was in a seven month relationship with a woman who I suspect had some BPD characteristics. The relationship followed a script so familiar to many of you. A magnetic connection at first, quick escalation into a relationship, a slow erosion followed by a complete and sudden discard. Although in the scope of relationship time, it wasn't a very long relationship but the amount of time it has taken me to heal has been in ordinary.

Why It Happened

I know many people say don't blame yourself but I do take some responsibility for what happened to me. In my case, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship with a narcissist and was looking to feel good again. I had been in a bad relationship in just over a year where I could never meet this women's expectations. The constant belittling and making feeling inferior wore me down to the point where I had a mental breakdown and wound up moving in with my brother. The failure of that relationship and my under the surface anger that I was replaced after everything I had done led to me meeting my ex E.

In Retrospect

I should have never let myself get walked over as I did with both A and E. I think my own porous self boundaries and lack of self worth led me down those roads. You rarely ever hear stories of people with healthy self esteem who go through these hellish relationships. It almost that persons who have been wounded in their lives are magnetically attracted to these people (Thanks Ross Rosenberg). I think people who have been beat down in their lives are more susceptible to being attracted to these Cluster B types.

Warning Signs

To those who are currently in the midst of these damaging relationships there are always warning signs. I choose to ignore them because I wanted to feel good, and in a way feel vindicated that I was worth more than the value that my ex A perceived me as. But there are plenty of warning signs. From unstable family lives to lack of friends, to self centered behaviors, the list goes on and on. I inherently knew they both had issues but I felt I needed to be the patient rescuer. I group E and A together because they are interrelated. You have to ask yourself this important question, did I meet this BPD person due to another traumatic relationship?

Nuclear Winter

I think when you get abandoned there is always preparations for it by the dumper. I can distinctly remember a four week time where my ex had pulled back and changed her well established patterns. By that time I was so deep in it was impossible for me to end it before the abandonment. And honestly, I had invested so much economic and emotional capital that I was all in. But nuclear winter comes and it is just as the term suggests brutal. That was the period last year from two days before Christmas till about June. Those were probably the hardest six months of my life.

Aftermath

So, here I am 10 months out. I can say that I am a lot happier now. I've made a lot of changes to myself and in my life. I have recovered mostly from those two awful relationships, but now a wiser man. I think the main difference now compared to two years ago is that I now put myself first. That may sound bad but you have to put your intentions first. I still haven't heard from my ex. It's been almost a year. I think that aspect still stings. I had never been abandoned in that manner before. I think you eventually get to a point where you have to accept the fact that if they loved you, they loved you for a time and as the weather changes, they are gone.

I wish you all peace. I know all too well the pain and agony that many of you are still going through. My advice is to appreciate the things you do have in your lives. Love yourselves because you will always be your best friend.

[Jack2727]

Hey All,

I haven't posted here in a few months. I just wanted to share my progress and let all of you know what it is like 10 months after an abandonment.

My Story

I was in a seven month relationship with a woman who I suspect had some BPD characteristics. The relationship followed a script so familiar to many of you. A magnetic connection at first, quick escalation into a relationship, a slow erosion followed by a complete and sudden discard. Although in the scope of relationship time, it wasn't a very long relationship but the amount of time it has taken me to heal has been in ordinary.

Why It Happened

I know many people say don't blame yourself but I do take some responsibility for what happened to me. In my case, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship with a narcissist and was looking to feel good again. I had been in a bad relationship in just over a year where I could never meet this women's expectations. The constant belittling and making feeling inferior wore me down to the point where I had a mental breakdown and wound up moving in with my brother. The failure of that relationship and my under the surface anger that I was replaced after everything I had done led to me meeting my ex E.

In Retrospect

I should have never let myself get walked over as I did with both A and E. I think my own porous self boundaries and lack of self worth led me down those roads. You rarely ever hear stories of people with healthy self esteem who go through these hellish relationships. It almost that persons who have been wounded in their lives are magnetically attracted to these people (Thanks Ross Rosenberg). I think people who have been beat down in their lives are more susceptible to being attracted to these Cluster B types.

Warning Signs

To those who are currently in the midst of these damaging relationships there are always warning signs. I choose to ignore them because I wanted to feel good, and in a way feel vindicated that I was worth more than the value that my ex A perceived me as. But there are plenty of warning signs. From unstable family lives to lack of friends, to self centered behaviors, the list goes on and on. I inherently knew they both had issues but I felt I needed to be the patient rescuer. I group E and A together because they are interrelated. You have to ask yourself this important question, did I meet this BPD person due to another traumatic relationship?

Nuclear Winter

I think when you get abandoned there is always preparations for it by the dumper. I can distinctly remember a four week time where my ex had pulled back and changed her well established patterns. By that time I was so deep in it was impossible for me to end it before the abandonment. And honestly, I had invested so much economic and emotional capital that I was all in. But nuclear winter comes and it is just as the term suggests brutal. That was the period last year from two days before Christmas till about June. Those were probably the hardest six months of my life.

Aftermath

So, here I am 10 months out. I can say that I am a lot happier now. I've made a lot of changes to myself and in my life. I have recovered mostly from those two awful relationships, but now a wiser man. I think the main difference now compared to two years ago is that I now put myself first. That may sound bad but you have to put your intentions first. I still haven't heard from my ex. It's been almost a year. I think that aspect still stings. I had never been abandoned in that manner before. I think you eventually get to a point where you have to accept the fact that if they loved you, they loved you for a time and as the weather changes, they are gone.

I wish you all peace. I know all too well the pain and agony that many of you are still going through. My advice is to appreciate the things you do have in your lives. Love yourselves because you will always be your best friend.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Jack,

Great to hear from you again.

I'm so glad that you are doing well. I think that when a person is in the fog and overwhelmed with pain and grief, it can feel like it will go on for ever, but it doesn't and it is good for us to hear positive outcomes like yours. It gives us hope.

Thanks for posting.

Love Lifewriter

[itgirl]

Thank you for sharing your story.  I hope I also will be wiser one day.

[Fr4nz]

[... .]

Nuclear Winter

I think when you get abandoned there is always preparations for it by the dumper. I can distinctly remember a four week time where my ex had pulled back and changed her well established patterns. By that time I was so deep in it was impossible for me to end it before the abandonment. And honestly, I had invested so much economic and emotional capital that I was all in. But nuclear winter comes and it is just as the term suggests brutal. That was the period last year from two days before Christmas till about June. Those were probably the hardest six months of my life.

Aftermath

So, here I am 10 months out. I can say that I am a lot happier now. I've made a lot of changes to myself and in my life. I have recovered mostly from those two awful relationships, but now a wiser man. I think the main difference now compared to two years ago is that I now put myself first. That may sound bad but you have to put your intentions first. I still haven't heard from my ex. It's been almost a year. I think that aspect still stings. I had never been abandoned in that manner before. I think you eventually get to a point where you have to accept the fact that if they loved you, they loved you for a time and as the weather changes, they are gone.

I wish you all peace. I know all too well the pain and agony that many of you are still going through. My advice is to appreciate the things you do have in your lives. Love yourselves because you will always be your best friend.

Hey Jack, I really liked the "nuclear winter" metaphore you wrote :D

Brief recap of my history and situation: I had a r/s with an undiagnosed BPD (+HPD traits) gf for 1.5 years, now I'm at 10 months post b/u and 8 months NC: not a peep from her side (and mine too).

The first 2 months after the NC was established were, literally, a "nuclear winter" in the terms you described, but I was lucky enough to be sent working abroad; thanks to this, the next 2 months were extremely enjoyable, where I had the chance to meet lots of new people, know a new culture and even date a few girls

In hindsight, these 2 months allowed me to greatly reduce the length of the "nuclear winter".

Yet, even if I perfectly understand now the mechanics behind Borderline and Histrionic disorders, as well as my own BPD/covert-NPD personality style (it's true that cluster B-ish people tend to attract each other... .), up to this day I still think often about her and, as you said, sometimes it *really stings* to not hear a peep from her. Anyway, I suppose this is the price to pay in order to have a future healthy emotional life and fix our own issues.

Luckily, I don't think obsessively anymore to her or her behaviours; I'm, again, perfectly functional with all the people I know and at work. It just takes time to heal

[Jack2727]

Thanks Lifewriter,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'd say that I have a lot of good days compared to the bad days before. I still check this site out from time to time. I think this site was instrumental in my healing process. Although I have never met you guys I think we all can relate on a deep level what these relationships can do to us. I sincerely hope you are on the road to recovery. Much love right back atcha. 

Don't get me wrong though. I still hurt from time to time. I will probably always hurt to some point. I think that hurt is more disappointment now because of a loss of a time and the promise I felt. Yeah, I know I will love again eventually and will date. I'm starting to get back into the game. But I think there will always be a part of me that wishes that both of them A and E were right for me.

I do fully believe that God gives us challenges in our lives that he feels we can overcome. Even though at times I feel anger towards them for the way they treated me I know that it has happened before to other men and I am sure my replacements will or are now going through the same set of unique problems that I did.

I do think I miss the moments from both relationships. My ex E had good people in her friend and family system. I had the chance to get close to them over the seven months I was in their lives. I do truly know that they will remember me as a good guy who really cared.

But life goes on eventually. I know many of you are still dealing with the abandonment. It's hard to deal with! I think that is the one thing that still sticks with me to this day. It's like having the answer to the equation but not the values that complete it.

And you will be wiser someday. I know that we who go through these bouts in hell are much more aware of these people. I know that I am very in much in tune now to the dysfunction. Maybe a bit more guarded than before but that is probably a good thing.

I think some you will find is that as you heal you will go from a victim mentality to more of a balanced retrospect. Some people are just not happy people. They are grouchy. They will never be satisfied. I know with both my ex's that I could never make them happy. I think the key is for us is being able to identify those traits and being able to walk away before they do damage.

You will also get to a point where you can look back and laugh. I look back and laugh at the lunacy of my ex. The fights over how to load a dishwasher, to the arguments over what food to buy, to her complaining about the way I ate a fajita, yes, she did that. Some poor man, or woman will have to deal with that. Not me.

Don't we all seem to become experts on Cluster B personality traits? Huh? One of my best friends is now going through a similar situation with his soon to be ex wife. Same patterns, he is going through divorce and he is about to enter the nuclear winter stage.

Yeah, its not fun. I think the realization comes after a week or so that they are actually "gone" That hit me sometime last February. I remember that my ex basically told me right after we broke up that she was leaving, forever. Any well adjusted person would not be able to do that. I remember counting the Saturdays and it was around week 16 when I sat down one warm spring day and it hit me, she was really not lying and not coming back.

Except for a text I sent in May I have been full NC. Not a peep from her since. Not sure whether or not its a good thing but still blows my mind how some people, and how this illness, can allow people to totally cut people out of their lives. Now, I was seven months, I can't even fathom what it has to be for people who with these people for years and then they just disappear.

I guess I will never understand that.

[C.Stein]

My exBPD has also cut me out of her life with surgical like precision after 2 years.  The last time I saw her, looking into her eyes was like looking into a black hole.  No emotion, no feelings, nothing ... .despite me being rather emotional.  She also announced she will be leaving the area.  I cannot understand it, nor will I probably ever.  It cut deep to see those eyes that were once filled with love ... .or what she thought was love.  

[Jack2727]

THAT IS IT! Yes, that is the real thing that still gets me. How can you go from crying about how much you love someone and begging them to stay with you to the cold, empty shell?

I think that is what sticks with me the most. The day we broke up. She had just flown into town the night before. I remember the coldness. It was the little things, like me trying to carry her suitcases for her and her rebuffing my attempts to help her. Her coldness in the car to my house. I knew the night before we broke up that we were done. I had already knew that she had a replacement in place.

It's that coldness. Not mourning the relationship. My life was utterly and completely falling apart and all she could do on the ride to the airport the next day was text some unknown former girlfriend about "recycling or some mundane thing".

It's amazing, as I am sure you all can relate, whether it is seven months or seven years there seems to be a cliff and once you go over it, they just cease to have any feelings. Just coldness.

[C.Stein]

The first time my ex broke up with me it was very much like that.  Even though we were still "together" but not, her eyes had that same cold, distant, dead look to them.  I kept looking for that person I fell in love with, but it was like trying to see at night through a heavy fog.   I could almost feel the coldness from her.  Everything about her seemed detached, without emotion, she just wasn't there ... .and I was just another object she interacted with.

[Fr4nz]

THAT IS IT! Yes, that is the real thing that still gets me. How can you go from crying about how much you love someone and begging them to stay with you to the cold, empty shell?

Jack,

the love-bombing (aka mirroring) we felt during the early stages of our relationships was a product of the intense need BPDs feel to fuse their "incomplete self" (it would be more appropriate to say that they are "disconnected" from their true selves, rather than they have an incomplete one) with the self of another person, in order to feel "complete".

This is also why they have this huge yearning for finding the true "love"; this is probably also why they often have many partners with completely different personalities: BPDs don't know who they really are, so they attach to pretty everything.

However, even if this is truly their way of "loving", and they dearly loved us - in their very own way, we can see that this is not an emotionally stable approach to develop a sane relationship in the long run.

Indeed, their feelings are, at the same time, intense AND shallow. The way they acted was basically a "tool" to "feel attached" and to "keep us attached", since they cannot truly stay alone without feeling seriously depressed, empty, unworthy, incomplete. Sometimes they have even suicidal thoughts (it depends on the specific person), and this can be really a sad thing.

On the other hand, we were so much "captured" in these relationships because their "love-bombing" made us feel so accepted, loved, perfect... .it was like getting the "love of our mother"; indeed, it seems that the spectacular mirroring BPDs provide us often activate parts in our brain which we developed when we were little childs and we were figuring out the words, facial expressions, and so on of our loving mother.

Also, in many cases BPDs found us when we were in a "weak" emotional state, for example we were coming out from a previous, failed relationship, we felt alone, etc. They have a very precise radar for this, probably because they "feel", more or less subconsciously, that such targets are easier to control.

Anyway, going back to the main dynamics of these relationships: basically, BPDs replay in each of their relationships the, somehow, "conflictual" relationship they had with their mother (or the primary caregiver).

What this means is basically that, over the time (mostly after the end of the idealization phase), in the mind of BPDs often their partners are started to be percieved as an hypercritical parent: just think about the insane amount of fights and drama in r/ss with BPDs, and you'll see easily the whys behind this point.

This, in turn, starts the clinging phase (which may last a LOT of time, even several years) and the subsequent final devaluation phase.

During this last phase we really perceive their emotional distance, their coldness - basically in their mind we are not satisfying their needs anymore. That's why cheating and emotional unavailability start (or are magnified) and, most of the times, they leave us so coldly while having ready in the backburner another partner whit whom they can replay these dynamics and try to satisfy their "fusional" fantasies.

It's an attachment disorder.

Except for a text I sent in May I have been full NC. Not a peep from her since. Not sure whether or not its a good thing but still blows my mind how some people, and how this illness, can allow people to totally cut people out of their lives. Now, I was seven months, I can't even fathom what it has to be for people who with these people for years and then they just disappear.

So, the ever-lasting question... .will they ever come back to us or not? Apparently they do in the majority of cases, even if their come back may happen after several months or even years. This happens whenever they have problems in their lafe (relationship ends, job problems, etc.).

They have these kind of "reunion fantasies", even those BPDs which are of the "cut-off" type (like mine and yours); indeed, during our r/s I perfectly remember what my ex said about past people (they are very good at remembering past stuff) and how dearly she still kept some of them in consideration.

However, I think that the main lesson to be learned here is that we have to conduct OUR OWN lives as best as possible and to learn as much as possible from these incredible experiences

[Hopeful83]

THAT IS IT! Yes, that is the real thing that still gets me. How can you go from crying about how much you love someone and begging them to stay with you to the cold, empty shell?

Jack,

the love-bombing (aka mirroring) we felt during the early stages of our relationships was a product of the intense need BPDs feel to fuse their "incomplete self" (it would be more appropriate to say that they are "disconnected" from their true selves, rather than they have an incomplete one) with the self of another person, in order to feel "complete".

This is also why they have this huge yearning for finding the true "love"; this is probably also why they often have many partners with completely different personalities: BPDs don't know who they really are, so they attach to pretty everything.

However, even if this is truly their way of "loving", and they dearly loved us - in their very own way, we can see that this is not an emotionally stable approach to develop a sane relationship in the long run.

Indeed, their feelings are, at the same time, intense AND shallow. The way they acted was basically a "tool" to "feel attached" and to "keep us attached", since they cannot truly stay alone without feeling seriously depressed, empty, unworthy, incomplete. Sometimes they have even suicidal thoughts (it depends on the specific person), and this can be really a sad thing.

On the other hand, we were so much "captured" in these relationships because their "love-bombing" made us feel so accepted, loved, perfect... .it was like getting the "love of our mother"; indeed, it seems that the spectacular mirroring BPDs provide us often activate parts in our brain which we developed when we were little childs and we were figuring out the words, facial expressions, and so on of our loving mother.

Also, in many cases BPDs found us when we were in a "weak" emotional state, for example we were coming out from a previous, failed relationship, we felt alone, etc. They have a very precise radar for this, probably because they "feel", more or less subconsciously, that such targets are easier to control.

Anyway, going back to the main dynamics of these relationships: basically, BPDs replay in each of their relationships the, somehow, "conflictual" relationship they had with their mother (or the primary caregiver).

What this means is basically that, over the time (mostly after the end of the idealization phase), in the mind of BPDs often their partners are started to be percieved as an hypercritical parent: just think about the insane amount of fights and drama in r/ss with BPDs, and you'll see easily the whys behind this point.

This, in turn, starts the clinging phase (which may last a LOT of time, even several years) and the subsequent final devaluation phase.

During this last phase we really perceive their emotional distance, their coldness - basically in their mind we are not satisfying their needs anymore. That's why cheating and emotional unavailability start (or are magnified) and, most of the times, they leave us so coldly while having ready in the backburner another partner whit whom they can replay these dynamics and try to satisfy their "fusional" fantasies.

It's an attachment disorder.

Thanks for this Fr4nz. That makes a lot of sense.

[Tomzxz]

Like C.Stein said - her eyes were black. My ex's eyes were dead during and after the devaluation stage.  Black, cold and sunk deep in her sockets. The eyes really are a window into a person's soul and I'm starting to face the reality that she might not have one. How else could a human discard another so easily?

Given that this thread has a no contact theme, I want to share an interesting article about no contact and how it is increasingly adopted by the abuser to inflict further pain and shame. 

www.n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-appropriation-of-no-contact-when.html

[Fr4nz]

Like C.Stein said - her eyes were black. My ex's eyes were dead during and after the devaluation stage.  Black, cold and sunk deep in her sockets. The eyes really are a window into a person's soul and I'm starting to face the reality that she might not have one. How else could a human discard another so easily?

Given that this thread has a no contact theme, I want to share an interesting article about no contact and how it is increasingly adopted by the abuser to inflict further pain and shame.  

www.n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-appropriation-of-no-contact-when.html

I'd be very careful about depicting BPDs as "evil", as for all humans there are "good" people and "bad" people.

If they behave the way they do, it's because of the disorder; that's why you'll find many books and posts saying that we shouldn't take their behaviours as something personal against us; they follow life-long disordered behaviours/patterns (present way before we entered into their scene) and, as a consequence, they end up (in many cases without they truly wanted it) to hurt us badly.

We should forgive them, whenever possible.

On one hand, they have a responsiblity in that they should understand, at some point in their life, that their behaviours are maladaptive/disordered and thus they should do something about it because they cause great pain to themselves and to the people close to them; on the other hand, it is OUR responsibility to exit these relationships - whenever we see they go out of control - and fix our own issues... .the very same issues that kept us in these relationships regardless of the many red flags we continuously saw.