Today has been a very bad day

[Sadly]

Today has very much been a bad day. I just don't get how when I know what my ex is, feel the pain and anguish he caused me this weekend that I can still suddenly be overwhelmed with tears at any given moment. Twice today in meetings at work I had to pretend I was having a coughing fit and leave the meeting. My whole future new life depends on this new job including my move to my new home hundreds of miles from my ex. In the lift, in the coffee shop, anywhere and everywhere. On the way back to my hotel I had such a panic attack I had to sit on a wall to recover. I walked into the hotel and didn't give a sh*t if anyone saw the state of me. I try to picture his face all twisted with spite and anger this weekend to help me get through it, sometimes it works but sometimes his face, eyes melting with love like they once did, fills my vision. I am sitting alone in my hotel room right now miles from anyone I know crying my eyes out. I know I am crying for the loss of my dreams and th love I thought I had but I cant help it. I am so lonely and lost again, I thought I had got over that. Thought I was being strong sorting my new life out. I was crying so hard after my panic attack I nearly got run over by a car crossing the road and my first thought was so f^cking what, who gives a ___. You know what, when I check the "show new replies to your posts" and there aren't any I feel rejected! What is wrong with me. How selfish, like I am the only person with problems?. Why am I crying for the person that has turned me into this needy waste of space.?

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[C.Stein]

I know it is hard.  I also am having an extremely difficult time.  I try to think of the bad, but all I can seem to do is think of the good, of what I miss and loved.  I find my eyes watering up more times than I can count everyday.  You should be proud of yourself that you have pushed forward and haven't let this loss completely debilitate you.  I have found myself having a hard time doing anything.   I was a fairly well adjusted person that was doing relatively well before my exBPD, but I allowed her to take that away from me.  Now I am an empty emotional mess, unsure of myself in every aspect of my life.

I keep telling myself it will eventually get better ... .and it will for you to.  Trust in your ability to find a way through this loss and back into the light.

[Sadly]

Thank you C, I want to write more but my head is not working properly so just thank you. xx

[LostGhost]

Why am I crying for the person that has turned me into this needy waste of space.?

Just as you said, it's more than this. You're crying because you lost a huge part of your dreams, a huge part of your life. It stings because it feels like you did something wrong, you failed.

That's not something that's easy to have taken away. It leaves such a vacuous hole inside of us that we hardly feel anything else, nothing else seems to matter.

The first thing to remember is it's not your fault. You didn't cause BPD. You have to depersonalize and understand that no matter who their partner was, the same thing would happen. Idealization, devaluation, discard. It's terrible but this is the cycle. This helps to numb the self blame, thinking we could have done better or something differently.

You still matter, you have to believe in that! This person does not define who you are! Find your strength and hold onto it!

[daughterandmom]

Dear Sadly

Much love and hugs    

I can feel the pain in your post. I am so sorry you feel this way. You aren't selfish at all. Someone else upset your balance, but it really sounds like you are putting the pieces in place for a new life where you can regain your confidence and balance. Hang in there  

Are you seeing a therapist? It really helps to talk it through. Keep sharing your thoughts on here.

Hugs  

[Sadly]

 I have failed. I have failed myself. The only person I could trust to look after me is myself and I have failed.

[EJ]

You haven't failed, you're a survivor. Dig down, deep inside yourself... .find your strength & courage & keep fighting. One day at a time, one foot infront of the other. I know your pain, I felt the same way. I would cry countless times a day, my heart was so broken I physically hurt, I had anxiety so bad I didn't sleep for days at a time.

Keep going... .keep fighting... .keep breathing!

I know you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but I promise you will!

Don't give up!   

[hopealways]

I have failed. I have failed myself. The only person I could trust to look after me is myself and I have failed.

I felt this way, but trust me, it gets better and it is not about failure.  The BPD relationships are the TOUGHEST of any interpersonal relationship. You will grow better and stronger after this, trust me and everyone else who has been through this.  And allow yourself to cry and grieve and me mad, let it all out. That's how you heal. Allow yourself time.  Nobody on any of these forums has regretted the breakup in the long run. That should say something to you  : ) Hang in there, we are all going through a bumpy ride but soon there will be a beautiful horizon.

[valet]

Hey there Sadly, I'm sorry that you're having such a rough day.  

Losing someone that you love dearly is really hard. I've been there before and have had similar days where it was really hard for me to keep it together. Some days I couldn't. Remember, that's ok! It's all a part of the process.

Let all of those feelings in, even those that tell you you're a waste of space. I've found that it's hard to run from these kinds of things. Better to face them head on and deal with them as they come. Dig in now. I know that this may be hard to see, but when we're broken down like this and our core wounds are exposed we are granted the chance at re-evaluating our lives in positive and healthy ways.

We are listening.

[ChupaChup]

I know what complete despair feels like, my love.  In fact, I am descended into its murky depths as we speak.  I too am at the point that if a car ran me over, I would probably welcome it.  At the very least, I wouldn't care too much.  But this is the crossroads... .and the crossroads are not for the faint hearted.  I have chosen to write a book about my experience and that is what keeps me going.  I am also an artist; so when the book is done, I will paint instead. After that, I'll write poetry.  I'm assuming that may keep me busy for awhile, and I'm hoping that by the time I come up for air, the world may look a little brighter.  I'm not sure if you consider yourself creative, but I find it helps me.  Whatever is your 'thing'; hold onto it as if it were a life-line. For me right now, being expressive is literally saving my life. I also try to keep thinking of all the wounded who will arrive at the crossroads after me; the ones who don't even know yet, that that is where they are heading.  Somehow we need to survive; because one day, they will need us... .just like we need those who have gone before.  I only look at one day at a time.  I get up with the sun and just do the best that I can on that particular day.  I don't have any expectations of myself and whenever I feel frustrated that I'm still in pain, I try to accept the process.  I used to say to my BPD ex all the time; "It is what it is" ... .and even though my own words are coming back to haunt me; I still see the wisdom in them.  Harsh... .but wise.  I thank God I found this place... .I wish I had found it earlier... .but at least we're here now.  Don't give up.  Much love 

[Sadly]

I dont know whatshappening. Maybe he is right and there is something seriously wrong with me. I have gone back to where I was a few weeks ago. I feel like I am two people. The me in the background organising a move, learning a new job, practical stuff, change of address forms. The other me is open for all to see. Crying everywhere, being sick, hurting, raw,useless. Wishing I was just dead, out of this ___ing horrible world. I want this pain to end. I am so scared. Hw can I be two people?

[C.Stein]

I dont know whatshappening. Maybe he is right and there is something seriously wrong with me. I have gone back to where I was a few weeks ago. I feel like I am two people. The me in the background organising a move, learning a new job, practical stuff, change of address forms. The other me is open for all to see. Crying everywhere, being sick, hurting, raw,useless. Wishing I was just dead, out of this ___ing horrible world. I want this pain to end. I am so scared. Hw can I be two people?

When I first lost my ex, I was just emotionally numb and tired.  It took over a month for the pain and anxiety to really start kicking in.  Then the pain came in waves, at times it is manageable and others I just want to crawl into a hole.  I too ask myself why am I still feeling this way months later ... .why won't it end.  It is like an addiction.  

When I find myself ruminating about everything I miss, I try to force myself to remember all the reasons why I'm better off without her.  I even wrote down all those reasons so I have a visual reminder why I am better off.  Even then it is hard to convince myself.  

When we are caught up in internal struggle, we are basically two people.  Try to occupy your mind with tasks you need to do, this will help push that internal self back inside so you can function.  Talking about your internal struggles with others does help, even if your only resource is an internet forum.  

Something else you might try when you start feeling your thoughts are out of control is focus your mind on something simple and peaceful, like leaves on a slow moving stream in a forest.  Imagine your thoughts are the leaves and you are just an observer on the side of the stream, watching them go by, but not interacting with them.  If you can detach yourself from the thoughts and feelings and just observe them, you will find yourself feeling more grounded and in control.  Whenever you start feeling overwhelmed do this, even if it is only for a minute or two.  I find it very helpful when the thoughts and pain are crushing me.

[focus]

Hi Sadly.

Oh how I feel for you, I was in similar state as you are in now this summer.

It feels horrible and my heart goes out to you. But as everybody says IT WILL GET BETTER. You are brave showing up for work and posting on here! It takes currage.

In my case I discovered I have something they call Complex-PTSD. I am also codependant (common for people with Complex-PTSD).

During the devaluation stage with my now ex wife, I was in major denial. When I was discarded after being triangeled with her current boyfriend, everything crashed and I guess I was feeling something like you are right now. Non stop crying, anxiety, weight loss, night terrors, I couldn't stop thinking about her and I just didn't understand. I had no idea about Cluster B Personality Disorders.

Since then I learned about BPD and narcissistic abuse, Complex PTSD, codependentcy and found this board.

In my case, the devaluation and discard stages at the end of my marrige opened up lots of childhood trauma that are the causes of this massive pain and turmoil. Broken heart sucks, but broken heart after a r/s with a pwBPD is a whole different story.

I'm seeing a therapist and I am attending CoDA meetings, reading up about Cluster B PDs, Complex-PTSD, codependentcy and reading and posting here.

In my case, there are cracks in my fondation, so I'm going to rebuilt, I'm not just going to patch up the cracks, I'm going all in, tearing everything down and start from scratch.

This is the hardest time of my life so far, and it hurts a lot, but I'm going to take this as a wake up call and use this opertunity to really work on myself so I can life a healthy happy life in the future. It's a lot of work, painful and very hard but I know it will be totally worth it!

Could it be that you may have Complex-PTSD like me?

Is it possible that your experiense opened up old, deep, hidden wounds?

Are you possibly codependant?

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

You are at a crossroad, on top of your painful breakup, you are starting a new job and moving. It is possible that that adds to the stress factor but since you are starting a new life, perhaps working on yourself as well is a good idea.

This could be a opertunity.

[Sadly]

Thank you C. and Focus. Well I tried imagining a peaceful flowing stream but kept getting hijacked by images of me shoving his bloody head in it. Perhaps I had better try floating through clouds or something. I appreciate what you are saying very much. I am a terrible mess right now. I know I have co dependency issues but I didn't know about the PTSD so I looked it up. Was a bit scary cos there is a lot I recognised about him in it and some of me. I have deep childhood issues of abuse from my grandfather and stuff. I will try get therapy when I get settled in my new home I guess but I fear for myself at the moment as the feelings of despair and need to get out of this world overwhelm me at present to scary degrees. I am very very afraid of it all becoming too much for me, in fact and this does sound mad but there have been times lately when the only thing that has stopped me is the thought of him parading around feeling self righteous and feeling he was right all along and it wasn't him at all but me. That sound sick but it is how I feel. I am so exhausted right now that I don't feel a great deal of anything which is quite nice but I know it wont last. Thank you again and good luck with your healing. xx