Living with a man who is "tit for tat"

[BPDMomAndHusband]

I have a friend who once called my husband a "self-loathing jew," (I think he meant it in a nice way) But my husband has NO NO NOself-esteem, which he won't talk about. He does know it. He just thinks that by not saying anything he will protect himself when it just makes him look like a fool. He is also the most controlling person I have ever met.

He sets a million boundaries. We are not talking since I sent him several in an email. If I try to talk he will run away claiming I am too emotional. So I talk by email, and he says he reads about half of what I say, which is better than nothing.

He projects every single thing on me. When one day a marital therapist pointing something out, he sat still a few seconds and turned to me and said NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS.

This man is 60 years old. He will not talk about the future. He is no more mature than I met him 25 years ago.

I once had a therapist APOLOGIZE on his behalf when I was sad once on the phone and was crying and I said "tell me that you love me.

His response: "don't you mean ASK me to tell you? "

The other day I literally begged him to say it. Know here we had 15 good years. He would not.

So I said "all right, we need to get a divorce. We are both unhappy." This was not during a fight. This was after a month of discussing it.

"You do what YOU have to do," he says.

He hates being married to me, and now he is BEGGING for me to get out in a way that makes him THE VICTIM.

But we have to live one another for now. How the heck do I do that? I asked him to say HELLO HOW ARE YOU  when he comes home and he refused. And I know why--it's the tit for tat game and I always lose. I want to divorce but I want to get along for now.

o I am trying to distance myself while living with him. I won't know until next year spring where I will be living.

I just can't believe how petty he is.

Does your spouse have this TOT FOR TAT thing? He is always competiting. He once thought I was saying I was better at him at catching the cat before she vomited. (I wasn't).

So he was startled and said, ':)O YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER AT ME THAN CATCHING THE CAT BEFORE SHE VOMITS?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

 

This is tough stuff... .I think some time spent reading lessons and posting with senior members can help things get better in your relationship rather quickly.

There is hope!

Couple quick things to think about

Consider not debating or talking about divorce with him.  If he wants a divorce... .he'll get one.  All of the debate and threats most likely feed a dysfunctional need in him.

Begging him to stay is not a good tactic... .even if that is how you feel.

Hang in there... .

FF

[SurfNTurf]

I agree with FormFlier on this one.

I'm sorry  you're feeling so crummy right now. While you're waiting for him to get the divorce if he wants one so badly, you can be working on things that make you feel better, and self-care things. Start with reading the lessons on the page(s), and posting with senior/advisor members on this site. There are some good books to read, in the book review section - I borrowed some from the library and it did me a world of good. No  one can look after your needs as well as you, so start  now.

No one can compete with a non-competitor; when he starts the Tit for Tat don't play. When he wants to berate you for something, tell him if he continues to talk that way you are leaving the room for awhile - then follow through.

Setting boundaries is so very hard at first; reward yourself with good self care.

Stay strong, this forum is a good place to be.