No end yet

[SES]

Well, it's been a few weeks since I lasted posted here.  Since then I have finally moved into my new house, after a few weeks in holiday lets, hotels and with friends.  I also started a new job, a big promotion.  My ex works in the same large organisation,  and my new job leaves me with some responsibly for her professional practice.

Well, one week onto my new job she made allegations to the kids school that I am physically abusing the kids.  The school have referred the kids to children's services two weeks ago... .Fair to say children's services haven't been in touch with me yet.  School advised that my son said that his mum punches my daughter (5) when she is naughty.  When I asked the kids,  they denied this. 

Well, I let my new boss know what is happening in my life.    Its great,  I thought after selling the family home and moving on she might settle down.  I think this was started by me ignoring her numerous texts the week before... .she wanted me to go to mediation with her! I don't reply to anything from her, and put everything through a lawyer.  I haven't spoken to her for over five months. 

[maxen]

First, I'm so sorry for this continuing misery. Otoh, congratulations on the promotion!

School advised that my son said that his mum punches my daughter (5) when she is naughty.  When I asked the kids,  they denied this.

What might have led the school to say this? Do you think your children are afraid to tell you about mom? How do they seem to you?

I don't reply to anything from her, and put everything through a lawyer.

The best course of action.

[SES]

Thank you.

I'm left feeling unsure what happens when they are with her.  She used to get them to lie about where they went to cover her tracks with her affair... .It took a long time for my son to agree he had been lying to me, as she had asked him to do so.  Horrible for the kids, and it leaves unsure what really happens.

Anyway, still no news from children's services yet. 

The childminder we use recently told me that I had to work with my ex.  I did explain that the police advised me to deal with her via a lawyer... .This is very hard for our childminder to understand.

[ForeverDad]

My ex made repeated child abuse allegations against me AFTER our separation.  I saw it as sour grapes, retaliation and obstruction trying to posture and strengthen her parenting status and weaken mine.  I recall one incident about 5 months after separation and one month after I filed for divorce.  I didn't know about it until CPS called me to inform me they were closing the case.  Naturally, the caller wouldn't tell me what the allegation was.  CPS can be very much a closed black box.

[SES]

Well, no end yet... .and I realise there never will be one.

Still no contact from children's services.  No real surprise.

She wouldn't agree this week's school holiday cover.    She wanted us to remain in our term time arrangements,  having kids fir two days at a time.  Fir the last year, all the other holidays have been split in half.  No resolution.  Two days before holiday my lawyer writes to her to advise I would have the kids for half the holiday, and would handover on Wednesday.  No answer.

Monday arrives... .then the start of numerous texts around 80 to 100 over two days, and numerous calls.  Lots of the same message 'where are my kid's... .'we could be great parents together'... .  'why do you hate me so much '... .

She knows where I live... .but for the last two months has refused to disclose her address.  

I sent three texts back, each time the same one.  'i will only deal with you via lawyers.   Please consult your lawyer.  You haven't responded to the last correspondence we sent you'.  She replied she no longer had a lawyer.

Well, Tuesday (today), I had a letter (email) from her lawyer.  She is disputing that she is trying to change the way we manage our holidays, wants to have handover at 4pm rather than 1pm tomorrow,  and wants me to go to mediation.  

Well... .4pm works for me... .and we responded to say 4pm... .she them texts saying she wants 12.30pm.  

I instruct my lawyer to again point out that the ex is trying to change the way we manage our holiday cover.

I advise lawyer that mediation is just crazy.  I won't go.   We tried couples mediation last year... .three months of her lying that she had ended her affair.  Plus, I'd worry that I would be vulnerable in either getting there or leaving... .Ie.  in ten months... .five allegations to the police, one arrest, two interviews under caution at the police station, at least two allegations to children's services, and one allegation to my employer. (all no further action)  Mmmm... .I think I'd be crazy to attend.

Texts this evening... ."we used to be friends ", "work with me to be parents together "... .This is completely crazy... . She assaulted me more than once, tried to get me locked up, tried to get me out of my job, spend months being vile and venomous, picked on every aspect of me as a person, stole my dead sister and fathers belongings, failed to pay thousands in her share of bills, left the house bare (I came home to find most things had gone),  had an affair and spent months rubbing my nose in it... .

Mediation doesn't seem appropraite.  

The police advised me that she was unpredictable,  that I should only deal with her via a lawyer, and that under no circumstances should I ever delete the recordings I made of her. (I assume they think I might need them in the future)

She wants us to have a family meal to celebrate my sons birthday!   The kids told me that mum promised not to argue with me if we all go for dinner together.   Utterly crazy.  Can't think of any reason this could be a good, or rational, idea.  

I changed my phone number... .My old number is just for her... .I can check it when it suits me.  Yesterday I put it I'm the boot of my car... .Its on silent all of the time... .I haven't read most of the texts... .Just not worth it... Just raises my blood pressure.

I have been getting lots of number withheld silent calls, of calls that hang up when I say hello... .I don't get any on my new number... .Its great.

She finally supplied her address via her lawyer today.

Anyway... .rant over... .Its much easier now I don't live with her.  

I started to go grey in the last year... .I want to blame her, but it was probably in the post anyway.

[ForeverDad]

If court hasn't already sent you to mediation, then be aware that it generally is one of the first steps court orders after making the temporary custody and parenting order.  So if court says, ":)o this" then you or your lawyer can say, "Your honor, we already tried several times with couples mediation over a period of months and nothing was accomplished but to incur costs and create delays.  We believe it would be best to consider yet another attempt as pointless unless you can determine a way to make success likely."  Or something like that.  What you don't want to do is make the judge think you don't want to try.  You need to present yourself as working with the court's process, not rejecting it.  So if you can convince the judge that you already tried and failed miserably then maybe he will check that box off and proceed to the next step.

The point is to keep the case moving along.  Cases take a long time, often a couple years as mine did, because judges allow a few months for each step... .My checklist was 8 steps: Filed for divorce, temp order, mediation (attempt), parenting investigation, custody evaluation, settlement conference (another attempt), trial (morphed into a settlement), final decree.

[Panda39]

Hi Ses,

I'm glad to hear from you and am so sorry to hear that the crazy continues.  She sounds very similar to my SO's uBPDxw.  I think communication via the attorney was a good suggestion.  Have you been keeping a record of all the texts?  I know they are upsetting and stressful but they may come in handy.

Try to take care of you during all of this. 

Panda39

[david]

I only communicate through email. I only respond to emails that directly relate to our kids. I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month. I responded to about 5. Over time, several years, that number has decreased to about 10 to 15 a month and I still respond to no more than 5. I save them all just in case.

Ex called CPS on me years ago. I was contacted. I spoke to the woman and she was very nice. I actually read several emails ex sent me during that time showing how erratic ex was then. I offered to have the woman come to my residence anytime she wanted to check things out. The conversation lasted about a half an hour and she said she was going to close the case. I never heard from them again.

I've been through mediation and co parent counseling. Nothing got accomplished. The counseling was court ordered for at least 10 months. After 4 or 5 meetings the counselor said he saw no reason to continue and he would write a letter to the judge ending the counseling.

[livednlearned]

SES, you've come a long way in terms of how you respond to her drama. That says a lot about who you are as a person.

I found that loving someone who was both mentally ill and abusive was ultimately not something I could resolve, it had to be felt and healed emotionally. Part of that process is acknowledging the abuse, then creating boundaries. Once you feel safe (asserting your own boundaries) other opportunities for healing present themselves.

It does seem to stay difficult for a longer time when kids are involved, because the disordered behavior of the parent affects them so profoundly.

I'm sorry your ex is so ill.

Thanks for letting us know how you're doing.



LnL

[sanemom]

It sounds like you are doing well, and children's services are blowing her off.  That is all good for you, and it sounds like you are not feeding into the drama... .hopefully, she will get bored soon.

"Texts this evening... ."we used to be friends ", "work with me to be parents together "... .This is completely crazy... . She assaulted me more than once, tried to get me locked up, tried to get me out of my job, spend months being vile and venomous, picked on every aspect of me as a person, stole my dead sister and fathers belongings, failed to pay thousands in her share of bills, left the house bare (I came home to find most things had gone),  had an affair and spent months rubbing my nose in it... ."

My husband's BPDex chased him down to have a similar conversation with him last night how they used to be friends and how she misses it.  It is like these BPD people do not understand their role in the destruction of their relationship... .as if you just one day randomly decided to not be friends.  As if you are supposed to completely forget that she has assaulted you, tried to get you locked up and out of a job, etc... .forget all the crap and you should just pretend it is all rainbows and butterflies.  It is just crazy-making if you let it (and it doesn't sound like you are).

In my DH's case, he listened to her lamenting for a few minutes, kept a stern face, and as soon as she paused, he said, "Actions speak louder than words.  I wish you well.  Good night,' and walked off.

[SES]

Thanks everyone.  I have avoided the drama so far.  Hopefully as time goes on things will settle down. 

Sanemom- you are quite right.  Its as if she hasn't ever done anything wrong.  She just can't see the part she played.  I loved her dearly, and I didn't just stop loving her or being friends.    It has taken me too long to get to where I am.  The recent drama, as each drama has, brought back the feelings and thoughts that went with the lengthy abuse she delivered... .I've had weeks of brooding and feeling sad again.  Her lawyer is conveying her wishes to have mediation.  Luckily it's not something a court can order here, due to the dv. Recent texts have included... .":)o you think anyone believes you about there being domestic violence... .people will see through you"... .  Weird, because she accepted guilt for assaulting me, and was given a police caution (for domestic violence). I offered to pay for an agreed court order regarding our kids, but she declined.  The order would have placed our kids first.  She is determined that we should talk in mediation! She also wants us to have a family meal for my sons birthday!  She can't seem to understand that having an affair,  rubbing my nose in it, behaving as she has means that we are no longer a family and we aren't friends.  Sad, but true.  I'm hoping my silence is giving her a message- we haven't spoken for five months, and I rarely respond to texts.