How do I stop it affecting the children?

[Leena]

I am trying to read all the lessons, but I am doing this in secret.

But I still make mistakes and he goes mad.

Today for giving our 10month old margarine on toast. He is obsessed that no cows milk be given before 1yr old. However, he has no idea why. The fact that the reason for not giving cows milk as a MAIN food is because the baby cannot digest it properly not because it is dangerous does not occur to him. AND margarine hardly has any cows milk in it anyway.

But he goes mad and because I tried to defend it he gets worse. Calling me every name under the son. Then my 3 yr old says a nasty phrase back. Now according to my partner that is all my fault and I am destroying our family. I make all the mistakes and will not pull my head in when I am wrong.

Ahhhhh... .I just don't know how to manage this... A full time job, two children... .a mother in law... and a partner who doesn't even know there is something wrong with him... .On top of all of life's normal tasks it is crazy... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[teapay]

Lenna, I can certainly empathize with you.  What you describe is an extremely challenging BPD relational context.  My situation is pretty similar although we have 5 kids.  Your partner probably feels that stress and it comingles with the BPD and likely sets him off more.  He is struggling to cope in his own weird way.  It's probably going to be tough for him to overcome.  Kids complicate things and I'm not sure there are easy answers unless there is frank abuse involved.  Kids will likely be effected in someway whether the relationship with the partner is maintained or dissolved and there may be financial aspects in play too.  I think an important question is what happens to the family if you go down, crash and burn?  Do you have anyone locally to talk about this with like a T or someone you trust?

[LilMe]

I can sadly relate. Keep reading the Lessons They are extremely helpful! Defending yourself makes things worse. We cannot change them, but we can change our thoughts and reactions. When mine rages I detach from the situation. I physically leave the room and if he follows me sit quietly without reacting. If he doesn't stop I calmly remind him that arguing hurts the children and suggest  we discuss this later when we are calm. I repeat it calmly and eventually he stops. Don't blame him or accuse - use we or us instead of you. Keep posting  - there is an amazingly kind and helpful group of people here who freely share their knowledge and experience...

[formflier]

Leena,

Focus on the lessons... .keep up that work.  I've got 8 kids... .so... .I've got a lot of motivation to learn about pwBPD traits... and how to make things better.

I am trying to read all the lessons, but I am doing this in secret.

This is critical... .keep it secret.  I recommend chrome browser and then use "incognito mode". 

Don't feel bad... .it's not a secret... .is it private.  You are entitled to your privacy.

But I still make mistakes and he goes mad.

Perhaps you do make mistakes... .perhaps you don't.  Please look at how you wrote this.

You are NOT responsible for his "maddness"

Very likely it has NOTHING to do with you... .even though he claims it does.

Today for giving our 10month old margarine on toast. He is obsessed that no cows milk be given before 1yr old.

Hmmm... .you don't want to argue or really even discuss this with him.  Let someone else be the "expert" here

Any other issues where he is obsessed? 

My recommendation, let him know to bring it up at his next pediatrician visit... .  Do not do this for him. 

If he is anxious... .he can schedule a visit sooner than normal. 

The key is that he is responsible for setting this up and asking.  Follow the pediatricians advice.

If he demands you do no margarine now... .politely decline stating you believe you are following pediatrician best practices. 

It's not up to you to "prove" you are right... .let him "disprove" it.

But he goes mad and because I tried to defend it he gets worse.

Yep... .less is more here.  Keep your message short... .reference pediatrician... .let him take action to solve.

Calling me every name under the son. Then my 3 yr old says a nasty phrase back. Now according to my partner that is all my fault and I am destroying our family. I make all the mistakes and will not pull my head in when I am wrong.

Walk away when he calls names.  If it gets abusive before that... .perhaps best to walk away then.

zero tolerance for name calling

How often does this happen?

Ahhhhh... .I just don't know how to manage this... A full time job, two children... .a mother in law... and a partner who doesn't even know there is something wrong with him... .On top of all of life's normal tasks it is crazy... .

We can help you get back some energy.  Right now a lot of it is going to the bottomless pit of BPD.

You have a choice to send it there or spend that energy on something more productive.

Looking forward to more posts from you... .and talking about our kids!

FF