Introduction

[KeepUp]

Hi everybody,

Nice to meet all of you and I'm very glad to have found this forum.

A little bit of background.  I'm a 40 year old male who married a BPD woman earlier this year.  Prior to that we had been together for 9 rocky years, and our therapist of 6 years had diagnosed her with BPD a few months before the marriage, so I definitely knew that I was getting into a challenging situation.  Unfortunately, I wasn't really aware exactly what BPD was or how deep it went.

As you may guess, I'm learning very quickly these days... .

The diagnosis was extremely comforting to me, as I finally felt a sense of hope and a way forward.  Unfortunately, she rejected the diagnosis, stopped talking to the therapist and has now placed him firmly in the "bad" person category--even though he did an incredible amount of good for us and is basically the reason we're together in the first place.  I've tried to talk to her about seeing someone else/getting a second opinion but this inevitably leads to a nuclear argument (although I'm fairly used to those).

I would describe myself as a very mild-mannered and peace-loving person (though not a pushover) and the amount of pain, frustration and anger that I have experienced over the past few years has left me feeling pretty distant from those qualities.  I'm sad to say that I have lost my temper with my spouse several times over the past year (no physical violence, of course) and it makes me feel absolutely terrible.  Even though I know it's not true, I can't help but start to believe that I truly am the hateful, raging, selfish ass that she says I am. 

I'm just sad, and tired and walking on an endless sea of eggshells.  It's no way to live.

Peace and love to all of you and your BPD loved ones.  Sending good vibes your way.

Thanks for listening!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Welcome KeepUp,

I am glad you joined us.

I understand how the rage and verbal attacks of a pwBPD (person with Borderline Personality Disorder) can push even the most mild and peaceful person into a temper.  I've been there.   My partner often would push on me to get her needs met, to sooth herself or merely to dump her negative emotions.   

I've learned an awful lot since coming here.   I say all the time there are skills and tools to help us, and it's true.   I know how to walk away from topics that are brewing into nuclear arguments.   I've learned some lessons, simple lessons but certainly not easy, that makes me less concerned about where those eggs shells are and if they are crunching under my feet.

A great place to start is HERE

Even though your wife rejected the diagnosis, did you continue with therapy on your own?




'ducks

[pineapple78]

Hi KeepUp

You have a story that I can relate to so thought I would respond... .

The diagnosis was extremely comforting to me, as I finally felt a sense of hope and a way forward.

My wife does not have a diagnosis at the moment, but it was a revelation to find out about BPD. Reading others stories made sense of so much of what our lives have been. Ive got to say it was comforting to an extent for myself also in similar regard. Felt like an answer, a reason, somewhere to start from to build a better life for my wife and also our relationship. It also meant all the built up conflict I had in my mind trying to accept the bad side with the wife I adored became easy. Its not her fault, nor mine and that brings a degree of relief.

My wife has not ruled out BPD and is waiting on the psychologist to advise her, us whats what. Its going to be very tough for her if she gets that diagnosis and while I don't want her to have it Id rather we know and be able to work on moving forward. So I can only imagine how difficult it may be when a diagnosis is given and not accepted. I don't know what I would do in that situation so can imagine how hard it must be. There are others whom could likely offer advice on this.

I would describe myself as a very mild-mannered and peace-loving person (though not a pushover) and the amount of pain, frustration and anger that I have experienced over the past few years has left me feeling pretty distant from those qualities.  I'm sad to say that I have lost my temper with my spouse several times over the past year (no physical violence, of course) and it makes me feel absolutely terrible.

I can relate to this also. The sheer frustration alone is what raises my voice eventually. I have felt so guilty for it because its really not my nature either, but what I have resorted to when pushed to the limit. I think also from what I have read, that partners can also end up mirroring their loved ones behavior in order to try and communicate perhaps on their level, get the message across with the behavior they use. I can see looking back that I have done it at times out of sheer desperation and without intent. I know another behavior that has become common to me is the lecture as my wife describes it. Because its so difficult to say something without being misquoted and other meanings read in, I now go on and on in as much detail as possible to try and not loose the meaning and be misunderstood. This makes me feel like an idiot and it never works anyway.

Take care!

[babyducks]

The diagnosis was extremely comforting to me, as I finally felt a sense of hope and a way forward.  Unfortunately, she rejected the diagnosis, stopped talking to the therapist and has now placed him firmly in the "bad" person category--even though he did an incredible amount of good for us and is basically the reason we're together in the first place.  I've tried to talk to her about seeing someone else/getting a second opinion but this inevitably leads to a nuclear argument (although I'm fairly used to those).

Finding out what is really going on in our relationships is truly a  moment.   It's a relief in many ways and a place to turn all our attention too.   All our desire to make it better can get focused on BPD.  That's pretty natural.   Like with most things in life, a moderate approach, especially in the beginning while feelings are still running high and we are still learning can pay off in the long run.   Here is why.

Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen.  Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust.  It's not like a broken leg where the affliction is tangible, the cure is tangible, and the stigma nonexistent.  While we are grateful to learn about the disorder and the pathways to recovery - for us the information is validating and represents a potential solution to our family problems- to the afflicted, it is shaming (you are defective),  stigmatizing (mental illness in general, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically), and puts all the responsibility for the family problems on the loved one's shoulders

That is a quote from this link:

Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

and the highlights are mine.   It's way to easy to incite defensiveness and break down the relationship trust.   Once that trust has a dent in it, it's very hard to re-establish.  For me, I found that being a 'partner' with my partner and working from the inside to effect change was definitely slower but also provided better results.

unfortunately progress takes a long time and consistent effort.

'ducks