New dd potential BPD - some self harm what to do?

[init]

Hi. Father of Dd 15... .Psych says adhd with BPD traits ... mum uBPD... won't as yet seek help herself.

Evidence of daughter gouging or picking at her wrists reopening new wounds... now has a few hole scars... .evidence of interest of self harm on the Internet and social media... .lonely kid... almost no friends... .blames everyone and everything and says she is bored eating food.

Seems like we have lost her to me.  She isolates herself to the Internet in her room... talking to dubious characters... her Internet time is cut off at 930pm but still has her phone till late... .she lies deceives steals and when she talks it's hard to make any sense of it at times...

Psych says the Internet is how she connects with people so should not be taken away.

She rages smashes violent if the Internet is taken away... .she appears addicted to me... .

Psych has her on 40mg statera... .which seems to take the edge of her chaotic mind during the day... but at night she is hyper... .and struggles to get to sleep before 12am every night.

She doesn't seem to have a sense of who she is... .she takes on the characteristics of the friend she is with when they are around... .mirroring?

I've told the Psych about the self harm... .and asked if she could do DBT... he said she is too young... he didn't offer any alternative...

Is this as good as we can make it?

Any advice is welcome

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bpdmom1]

My dd17 went through intensive DBT therapy 3hr x 3days a week just after she turned 17 and before that I think she was 15 she attended a once a week DBT.  I think they had kids as young as 14 in the intensive DBT classes.  We live in a big city and had to travel 45 mins to get to the intensive DBT.  I think it is helpful, but not a cure all.  My daughter is now in a RTC which is getting her away from her destructive behaviors and patterns, which is very similar to what you are describing with your daughter.  We found a RTC through a consultant www.strugglingteens.com/.  We got to the point we needed someone else to handle it as we couldn't agree on the best course of action except to hire the consultant.

[Thursday]

I was writing a full reply to you and my thumb hit the backspace and I lost what I was working on. I'm running out of time but wanted to respond as I have been through what you describe with my BPDSD when she was a teenager. She is now 24 and doing pretty well in her life.

WELCOME  to the "club" and I hope you will continue to read and take part in the discussion. Please do read from the tools and lessons on the right hand side of the screen. We (my husband and I) really went through a lot with SD until we learned enough about how to communicate with her to be able to have a successful dialog with her. Learning to adopt a problem solving model was also a huge help as were learning enough about her disorder so that we could understand when she was simply too emotionally limited to have better behavior. It is all in our approach, really.

I hope you have your DD in some sort of therapeutic situation. Not sure what your psych would say DBT is a therapy she is too young for. DBT gets a lot of credit here for helping (which it can)  but typically it isn't easy to find a DBT group or therapist. It is certainly not the only thing that can help. Most practicing talk therapies employ CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and this can be very useful in dealing with girls who cut or practice other self harm. At any rate they can suggest alternative, less harmful behaviors and if your DD will practice these and you can remind her of these alternatives when you see she is distressed it can help. Example- hold ice cubes instead of cutting. If you can get her to do this her distress might pass and she can begin to put together why she wishes to self harm before she does so much permanent damage.

Is the psych you mention a therapist or a psychiatrist?

AS for the internet- your psych might have some good reasons for his advice but to leave a 15 year old with unlimited and unsupervised access to the internet is truly a scary proposition- I would say this about ANY kid- not just those with mental health issues. I could tell you many things about what my SD did with her internet access- things that are hard to believe, scary, scary things, but trust me, even kids without difficulties get themselves into all sorts of trouble with the internet. We used a "spy program" on her computer that allowed us to watch what she was doing online. She had put herself in dangerous situations before we began watching what she was doing and afterwards she couldn't without knowing that we knew what she was doing. I'm sure she did these behaviors when she got other internet access such as at school and at the library but we definitely slowed her down.

The phone we gave her did not have internet access. I would not trust a kid with issues (you can't watch what someone else does on their phone as far as I know- and what you CAN readily see can and will be deleted by your daughter) as it is simply too dangerous. You may want to consider, as a first step to installing some limits, that your daughter has to give her phone up at a time in the evening that allows her to wind down and get some sleep or rest. We used to have her surrender her phone to us at 9 PM every night.

Like your DD my SD seemed to adopt the personalities of those around her. This has continued and just now seems to be lessening. My SD is maturing now- very late of course but it is happening!

I know you are facing such a lot- don't feel like you have to go it alone. There is great advice and materials from which to learn here. Learn to validate your daughter and you might find it easier to understand what she is saying to you when she DOES talk to you. Learn about S.E.T... .that is a great first step.

Things can get better... .but the teenager years are very hard. Don't let this break you down- vent here but do read all of the stuff on the right... .it really can help you forge a stronger, more productive relationship with her. You don't need to lose her to all of this... .you can get her back!

thursday

[mimi99]

I love Thursday's suggestions. Our daughter24 got into some really bad situations online when she was a teenager.  There are a lot of studies that show how sleep is negatively affected by being on electronic devices late at night--this could be contributing to your daughters late hours. If the nighttime wakefulness is a side-effect of the medication, maybe changing the time of day that she takes it would help. Many kids are addicted to their devices and almost go through withdrawal without them--even kids without other mental health issues. That doesn't mean that we continue to give it to them to avoid dealing with the reaction we may get when we take things away. Violent raging that is rewarded with return of phone/internet is certainly never going to stop, since it is producing the desired result.

I would question the therapist who states that being online is important for teenaged connections. How do you know the connections are healthy, or even safe? Also, I am not aware of any reason a 15 year-old can't do DBT. Our daughter started at 17, but there were others in her group that were younger. It was helpful for all of us, but needs to be supplemented with appropriate medication and used for the long-term (We let our skills slide when we thought she was doing better and then forgot them completely when she started doing worse) This website has so many tools, please read them. I am sure you will find support and help here.

[bpdmom1]

Social media was a huge problem for our dd.  We really struggled keeping her away from electronics/social media at night.  She would push the rules we put in place, throw tantrums etc.  I understand how hard, as even after she ran off with a 18+ year old she met on the internet we still had trouble. 

Melatonin has been very helpful in getting her to sleep.  She has alway had sleep issues and this was the only thing that seemed to help and something she was willing to take.

[init]

Hello everyone

Many thanks for your replies... .most appreciated here.

I know I'm not alone... and you guys have been through it which is even better.

We have limits on the Internet ... .9pm and the phone and devices has to come into our room at night

Unfortunately the balance isn't right however... .she takes way to much from us ... keeps us waiting at night for the phone... .also cannot monitor the smart device usage... .have seen by chance that she is talking to dubious characters... .she will ask help about anything from anyone... .

I don't understand the psyche either about online activity... .I don't think they realise the awfulness of a young mind exposed to a world of potential harm.

She is on melatonin... .but can't say much change... the stettara seems to make her need less sleep... .so making it harder to get her to bed.

Our strategy of late  has been to try an engage support encourage good stuff ... not punish unless all else fails... it's hit n miss at the moment still...

DBT... yes I'm not happy that we have no non drug treatment options... it's just us ATM.

[lbjnltx]

Have you thought about giving your d15 online resources that are healthier than random contact with others?

There are online support groups for teens with emotional struggles that are monitored, peer supported, and teach coping skills amongst themselves.  At 15 the people who have the most influence are here peers.

lbj