My BPD sister hates me

[Cheeemilee]

I don't really know how to start. My sister has had mental health issues for a few years now and it's become increasingly worse. Violent outbursts, paranoia and suicidal tendencies. She's been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. We've never been very closer but because of age we've always been in close proximity. Now, whenever I'm home for a while from university she always ends up exploding with me. Violence and anger and telling me I'm the psycho and I make her want to kill herself. She says she hates me so much she wants to die. The outbursts are always over something small, for example, an hour ago I asked her to look in her room for something of mine I'd lost and she went nuts at me for asking twice because she's "having a really awful time right now" and doesn't need my vile presence. I can't say anything without thinking first just in case it goes the wrong way.

We also have a middle sister, age 21 who my sister adores and doesn't have any issues with, which hurts even more.

It hurts so much that she hate me like this, and maybe it is the mental illness talking but she's so young, I'm scared we'll never be close again and she will always hate me.

it's frustrating because she always talks about having a bad time but she has it so easy, and I know mental illness doesn't work like that but she's so self involved. She's rarely home but when she is she only talks about herself or one of the dramas she's created with friends and never asks how any of us are. It's taking such a massive toll on the whole family and she hasn't even noticed.

I just don't know what to do anything. Part of me wishes I could just say screw this and get on with my life without her but I also want to keep trying because I don't want to lose my sister.

[Kwamina]

Hi Cheeemilee

A family-member with BPD can really impact the entire family system. I am sorry you are struggling so right now with the situation with your sister. She has been diagnosed with BPD, is she currently being treated for it? Is she perhaps getting targeted therapy for her BPD?

We also have a middle sister, age 21 who my sister adores and doesn't have any issues with, which hurts even more.

It hurts so much that she hate me like this, and maybe it is the mental illness talking but she's so young, I'm scared we'll never be close again and she will always hate me.

It sounds like your sister is engaging in the BPD behavior known as 'splitting', are you familiar with this term?

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection.

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.

... .

Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorders live in an immature psychological world, fueled by certain constitutional vulnerabilities, where they attempt to shield themselves from conflict and anxiety by splitting the world into all good and all bad. Although this produces an sense of psychological safety, in fact, it renders relationships fragile and chaotic and drives away the very people who are so badly needed to provide stability in the borderlines life.

We have a workshop about this subject that you might find interesting: BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

We describe certain tools here that might help you in your communications with your sister. There is never a guarantee that it will work of course, but the tools can increase the likelihood of having calmer interactions with your sister:

Communication Skills - Validation

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. --> Support, Empathy, Truth

[Leelou]

It's not your fault, big hugs  , unfortunately it might be splitting.  You are a lovely person for even coming to the forum for understanding.  There are tons of people who can support you.  Please express your feelings - your feelings are important, bigs hugs