Teen Daughter's Bpd boyfriend

[Helpless mom]

I am positive that my daughters teen boyfriend suffers from BPD. His emotional cruelty unstable moods and even violent behavior towards my daughter has nearly caused me to get a restraining order. However he is only 16 years old and I have some degree of compassion for him. Plus he is a master at getting everyone around him to feel sorry for him despite the fact that it is his behavior causing all of the chaos. Due to fear over her safety and well being she broke it off with him 3 months ago. However he will not stop harassing her. He texts and calls relentlessly. He comes over uninvited. He will not leave her alone at school. He threatens suicide.  She has tried everything but I think is fearful he will hurt her or himself if she completely cuts him off. Can you offer advice.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you are going through this, Helpless mom. It's tough enough to raise children and protect them from the dangers in the world until they can learn to protect themselves. If your daughter still has feelings for him, it's especially hard when he won't leave her alone. Threatening suicide, sadly, is tactic that is used to elicit guilt and obligation from others.

It sounds like your daughter is having trouble establishing boundaries. From what you said about his violent behaviors concern me. If he's exhibiting domestic violence, then that is a paramount concern. Does any authority figure at her school know what's going on?

Your home is your boundary. If he's violating that, you have every right as a parent to keep him away. Would that we could rescue all abused and lost children, but the saying, "hurt people hurt people," seems true in this case. Your compassion for him is understandable, and seems to be a reason why you may have not involved the legal system yet. Maybe you can make a call to a local domestic violence help line in your area as a first step. The call would be anonymous, and they can provide you live guidance. No one needs to know who you are or he is at that point. Do you think you make a call like that?

We have a discussion here on DV which you may also find helpful: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

If he's good at playing the Waif and getting people to feel sorry for him, you and especially your daughter are stuck in a tough place. She has to attend the school, and I get how cliques can turn against her, sadly, even parents. In addition to calling a local help line, it would be good to document the events as they happen as well. Keep a jounal. Save text messages as you can. Let me know if this makes sense Helpless mom.

Turkish

[Panda39]

Hi Helpless mom,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

Your daughter's story sounds familiar to me I had a boyfriend at age 14 that was 2 years older than me that I now suspect was BPD.  It was also a very volatile relationship.  I know this is tough on your daughter and by extension tough on you.

Have you tried talking with the boy's parents about your concerns?  Or maybe talk with a school counselor that might be able to help your daughter when she is at school? I like Turkish's suggestion to call the Domestic Violence help-line that would be a good place to start to at least ask questions and find out what types of options you have available... .strategies to get the ex boyfriend to back off.

Hang in there I'm sure other members will post more suggestions.

I'm glad you found us.

Panda39

[lbjnltx]

Hi Helpless mom,

You have received some good advice thus far from Turkish and Panda39.

The suicidal threats I have had to deal with more than once.  Usually it was my daughter's friends telling her that their boyfriends were threatening suicide when they would break up.  The best way I found to handle it was to inform the school counselor where they attended.  That usually stopped it dead in it's tracks.  The school counselor must inform the parents and I was not involved in the interaction.

I hope you will follow up on the advice you received here so that you and your daughter get some relief.

There are also online support groups for teens who are threatened or have been victims of violence by their boyfriends.  Would your daughter like to get that kind of support?

lbj

[Helpless mom]

Thank you all for your advice. I have contacted the parents and the school. They both appear convinced that this is normal teenage heartbreak even though I have related countless examples of highly unusual behavior. This child has literally laid down in the middle of a street, called me at all hours of the day and nite and has laid hands on her on school premises. Now that they have broken up he has moved from acting out to acting depressed. My daughter does not have feelings for him. I think she is still afraid of him. He was very cruel to her while they were dating. She did not see friends for literally 8 months and he would not even allow her to be with family without it being a chaotic nightmare. He even accused her of inappropriate behavior with a teenage cousin. His emotions would turn on a dime and he would often hit himself. One time he bit her but claimed it was only rough housing. I know in my heart this is not going to end well but I don't know what else to do. I called a domestic violence hotline and they recommended I call child protective services. But again I just hesitate getting authorities involved. The boy needs serious help not legal trouble. Am I looking at this properly?

[lbjnltx]

You are looking at this properly.

Your concern for him and his well being is obvious.  The lack of concern for him and his well being by the school and his parents is disturbing to me.

You have done what you are able to do for him... .it is time to do what you are able to do to protect your daughter.

She is your first priority.

lbj

[Helpless mom]

So I have one last question. He has attached himself to our whole family. He calls me momma. So I think most of the advice given to me is to have my daughter and myself break all ties with this boy. I am having my daughter do so for her sanity and safety. I would like to do so as well as this is all very emotionally draining but I know a primary fear of BPD is abandonment. If I abandon him as well is this just further fueling his issues?  I don't want to be responsible for him doing something bad. I will say he is always texting me to say I have to respond before something bad happens. It is all very upsetting

[Panda39]

If I abandon him as well is this just further fueling his issues? 

I hear your concern for this young man but he is not your responsibility, he is his parent's responsibility even if they choose not to see the problem that is right in front of them (you did your part by sharing your concerns).  If you and your daughter breaking contact with him fuels his issues maybe his parents or the school will see the issues that they are choosing ignore or that they don't see and finally take action not only regarding your situation but get this young man the help he clearly needs.

You might consider going back to his parents and tell them that you are considering a restraining order if his behavior doesn't change regarding your daughter. They might respond to that.  They need to take responsibility for him, it is their job he is their son.  Do you have any of these text messages from him that you can show them? Demonstrating his behavior or documenting a suicidal threat... .Did you tell the school and parents that he is making suicidal threats?  That should be a HUGE  .

I know it's hard not to worry about this young man but what he does or doesn't do is not up to you. You can only control what you do which in this case is talk to his parents and the school which you did... .and to protect your daughter.

[Turkish]

So I have one last question. He has attached himself to our whole family. He calls me momma. So I think most of the advice given to me is to have my daughter and myself break all ties with this boy. I am having my daughter do so for her sanity and safety. I would like to do so as well as this is all very emotionally draining but I know a primary fear of BPD is abandonment. If I abandon him as well is this just further fueling his issues?  I don't want to be responsible for him doing something bad. I will say he is always texting me to say I have to respond before something bad happens. It is all very upsetting

If he weren't violent, it might be something you could work with. Unfortunately, the people who should be advocating for him (and your daughter) aren't, except for you. This may sound harsh, but neither you or your daughter are responsible for his behaviors. Since he's a minor, others are legally responsible for him. This is tough. It is a hard barrier. He brought his pain with him into your family, and he'll take it with him, just as the mother of my children brought her with her, then took it with her when she left. Just as my dBPD mother had hers before she adoptrd me, and kept it with her when I left at the age of emancipation. I can be compassionate, there is nothing wrong with that, but I need to protect myself and my children as best that I can.

That all being said, we, SI should be taken seriously (I know you are taking this whole situation seriously though!). We do have a protocol for suicide ideation, the red EMERGENCY button at the bottom right of this page. If he is really talking suicide, reporting it may be a way to change the dynamic. Proof may be good (texts, e.g.). If a school counselor isn't taking a threat of suicide by a student, that is very bad... .for them. I almost hate to direct you to yet another hot line, but calling a suicide support service might glean you some more ideas.

[Helpless mom]

I guess I am back again after continuing to deal with my daughters ex boyfriend. Despite the passing of another month and numerous other attempts to get this under control he is still harassing her and myself. She blocked his calls and then he simply began texting her through his brothers and moms phones. He even texted her from another friends phone. He has done the same to me despite the fact that I have tried on nearly an everyday basis to first ask and then firmly tell him to move on. I have spoken to his mom who insists he is fine and not showing any signs of depression. Yet when he texts both of us he says he cannot get out of bed and it is certain he is not getting together with any friends. He has no car and no job. His mom won't let him. So I believe he sits and obsesses. I have gone to the school again but because he basically just follows her around and has stopped being physical they say there is nothing they can do and we just need I break contact. I insist they have no idea what that means but they seem clueless as well. This boys texting has moved largely to threats to end 'it all' which I have shared with the mom but she is not concerned. I know I have done all I can to help but at what point do I need to worry that he will become violent to my daughter. I have never encountered an individual who is both strong willed and then completely weak. He will not respond to anything. We have both tried being nice and then brutally truthful. We have tried helping him work through it and then blocking him. I have completed by third round of talking with parents and school. Nothing works. I know that I probably need to get the legal system involved but I fear angering him. I am just wondering how I assess the threat level to my daughter and how I can know what my next move should be. I can see in your posts that most people move through stages of grief. He gas been stuck on anger denial and bargaining. I do no see any signs that this is going to end or if it does that it will end well.

[Panda39]

Hi Helpless mom,

I'm sorry to hear this is situation hasn't stopped for you and your daughter.  I also want to say how sad it is that this boy's parents are unable to see that he his in distress and needs support to learn how to cope with the break up.

Have you shown the texts to the boys parents and the school?  If you are contemplating legal action be sure to keep those text messages for documentation if you already haven't been doing so.  You might also want to post about this situation over on the legal board. 

You might also want to just talk to your local police about your situation, this doesn't mean you have to do anything but just to find out what the options are and maybe they can keep a record of your visit/concerns.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello again Helpless mom,

I'm sorry to hear that this continues.  If I were in your shoes I would call CPS and report his suicidal threats and ask for a wellness check.  I would also let them know that you have informed the school counselor and parents twice and no action has been taken to get this boy help. 

Have you looked into making a police report regarding harassment and suicidal threats?  At this point I would not worry about what the legal ramifications would be for the boy (most likely none).  This burden needs to move to the parents and legal/mental health care system as you have no power to change his actions/behaviors.  Use the power that you do have... .protecting your daughter and your family with the tools at your disposal.

This is all very hard as you seem to have a great deal of compassion for this boy and want him to get help and not cause him more problems.  Many of the parents here have the same dilemma with their biological/adopted children.  It is important to see when we are making decision in reaction to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) so that we can make wisemind (emotions tempered by reason and logic) decisions based on clear priorities.

What is your first priority?

What is your ultimate goal?

What needs to be done to reach that goal?

Who will help me reach that goal?

lbj

[Helpless mom]

I have kept the text and my daughter has kept hundreds of voice mails. I can certainly contact the police and cps. I have thought of doing both. But I guess I am just looking for some type of benchmark to see if this is really necessary. He has obviously made threats now for months and has not followed through. Do you feel like there is any hope this will just lose steam on its own?  My daughter feels very humiliated already by his antics at school. She believes in time he will get sick of all of it and move on. She doesn't want me to do anything to further escalate the problem. I know she is a child however and I will make decisions based on my own judgment where necessary. Given his behavior while they were datingi believe he had a very severe case as he has no impulse control.  His outbursts were constant and in front of others. He has been hanging on now for 4 months. When I say he must move on he uses words like never. He will stop at nothing in his own words. How unusual is this

[lbjnltx]

It's not unusual at all Helpless mom.

Whether his threats to harm himself are to "manipulate" or are very real the risk is high either way. Amongst the leading causes of death  in teens is suicide, the suicide rate amongst people with BPD is estimated to be 10% or higher. The Journal of the American Medical Association has reported that 95% of all suicides occur at the peak of a depressive episode. Couple this with impulsivity and the risk goes even higher.  Suicidal threats are a cry for help... .that's the bottom line.  He is crying out and telling people he needs help, ignoring this cry for help could cause him to escalate his behaviors until someone intervenes in the situation and helps him.

All threats need to be taken seriously.  Since we (the members here) are not professionally trained to assess risk levels we defer to the professionals who are.  Bringing in professionals to assess and assist this young man may just be what needs to happen to also protect your daughter.  Allowing this behavior to continue will most likely not end well for anyone involved.

Making a well thought out plan and implementing it is an act of compassion.  We don't have the capability to orchestrate the outcome when we bring in the professionals and that doesn't mean we don't take action.  It's a tough position to be in! 

lbjnltx

[Helpless mom]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. This is what my gut is telling me as well.  He is not going to get better on his own.  Since his parents are clueless I think that is why he is crying out to me for help.  It is just very distressing to me however because if this were my child I would find the nature of the problem and try to get him help. In my situation the only way I can think to get him help is how others have suggested which is the legal system. I know in the long run it may get him the he needs but it seems like a betrayal of his trust in me

[Helpless mom]

My daughter is still dealing with the adverse effects of her encounter with a particularly controlling and aggressive BPD individual.  It has been almost a year. It is making me wonder if you can shed some light on what my next course of action for her should be. She has not been able to move on in any other relationship and is quite anxious most of the time. The damage to her by this individual has been allconsuming. Do you suggest counseling in her case.  And just FYI the BPD person is still contacting her and myself regularly to try to 'get her back'.  :)espite nearly a year campaign of destroying her life.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. She towed a very hard line with him and I know is not initiating any contact but they go to school together and so he is constantly trying to get to her and also any boys that may have interest in her. I need to find a way to bring closure to this.

[mimi99]

I'm so sorry to hear that this boys behavior has continued. Your daughter may well need counseling to help her get past this. It can be quite traumatizing to be harassed like that. I was in a 2 year relationship with a pwASPD. He did not take the breakup well and harassed me for months, threatening suicide, begging, crying, etc. He would call as many as 40-50 times daily. In desperation, I contacted the police and found out that in many states (including where I live) unwanted phone calls are a crime. It is called "telephone harassment" and can be punishable with jail time. I did follow through and even with charges he continued the harassment until he finally went to jail for it. It stopped at that time and I have not heard a peep for over 13 years.

I realize that this is a child you are dealing with, and that you are reluctant to press criminal charges. His age does not excuse his behavior, however. He needs help, and no one in a position to get him help seems willing to do so. Maybe a criminal charge will be just the thing to wake them up. The system may insist that he get the help he needs, and your daughter might begin to feel some relief. She may be feeling very powerless since no one has been able to stop this so far. Filing a criminal complaint gives her some power back and that may be somewhat therapeutic.

I recommend documenting all contact, whether through others or in school, etc. Keep a notebook with dates, times, etc. All this will be useful as evidence if you decide to go to the police. I agree with all the other posters that this should not be taken lightly. It seems that your daughters life has been changed forever by this experience, and she will not get better as long as it continues. Praying for healing for her.

[lbjnltx]

Oh dear me  :'(

Please, do get your daughter into therapy, perhaps someone who specializes in abuse and recovery from trauma. 

Please do pursue whatever legal action you have at your disposal to advocate for your daughter.  If the bi product of this action is that this boy gets help that's great, regardless it is for your daughter's well being.  She absolutely must have no doubt that you are doing everything within your power to protect her.

[Turkish]

Helpless mom,

So sorry that he is still a weird presence in your lives. In addition to getting her to a counselor or therapist who has experience with this, would you consider calling a local hotline for domestic abuse? The call can be anonymous, and they may be able to point you to local resources in the area. I'm sorry for your dear daughter. High school is tough enough without dealing with someone like this.

Turkish

[Panda39]

Hi Helpless Mom,

I agree with the others compile your documentation and report the harassment.  You've already tried working with this kid, his parents and with the school and a year later this is still going on.  It appears he has some major issues. It's time to take it up to another level.  Talk with the Domestic Violence center in your area like Turkish suggested, go to your local police and talk with them, or consult with an attorney.

And yes I would get your daughter to a therapist to help her cope with all of this.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Kate4queen]

Sounds like my son's behavior when he was that age. Unfortunately for him the 14 year old he chose to tangle with was also BPD and he eventually came off the worst so I can only imagine the horrors your DD is going through.

Please get her some therapy and get the authorities involved with this boy. I wish someone had done that for me. I really do. They might have taken him more seriously as needing help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders