Swinging between extremes

[Hopeful83]

  guys,

I'm almost four and a half months into my breakup now, and while the good days are starting to outnumber the bad, I still have this horrible overarching feeling of impending doom hanging over my head on most days. It's like I'm in a perpetual state of anxiety, which I hate. The fact he's doing things with the sole purpose of grabbing my attention isn't helping.

I was just wondering how long this feeling lasted for you? I am proud of the progress that I've made and I do see that I'm miles better now than when this mess first started, but I just want to be out of the tunnel now so to speak.

I wake up every morning feeling like I've been abandoned. It's not nice at all. I guess I just need some encouragement today.

[Creativum]

 guys,

I'm almost four and a half months into my breakup now, and while the good days are starting to outnumber the bad, I still have this horrible overarching feeling of impending doom hanging over my head on most days. It's like I'm in a perpetual state of anxiety, which I hate. The fact he's doing things with the sole purpose of grabbing my attention isn't helping.

I was just wondering how long this feeling lasted for you? I am proud of the progress that I've made and I do see that I'm miles better now than when this mess first started, but I just want to be out of the tunnel now so to speak.

I wake up every morning feeling like I've been abandoned. It's not nice at all. I guess I just need some encouragement today.

Short answer?  It lasts as long as it lasts.  Long answer:  You've been literally - medically and psychologically - addicted to this person and you're trying to "quit" them.  If you've been a smoker, you know how hard it is to fight those cravings, and this is really no different.  And every time you get a text, call, e-mail from this person, it's like someone holding a fresh pack of Marlboro cigarettes in front of someone who has quit smoking.  YOU WANT THAT DAMN FIX!  Oh man it sucks so bad.  With my first ex, the anxiety/depression/grieving didn't last long because he tried to kill me and wound up in prison.  I was so scared of him that I was happy to be away, but even to this day, a decade later, when he sends an e-mail, something inside of me will receive pleasure from it.  With the most recent ex, though ... .He wasn't violent and I loved him dearly, and he texts me things to say that he's not doing well, or that someone has died, etc., and my instinct is to latch on and save him.  But I can't.  At the end of the day, he was emotionally abusive, and even if he's not lying for attention, the opportunities presented by his life situations allows him to re-engage me ... .only to drop me like a bad habit that same day once I've validated his emotions.  Because, you see, he doesn't ask how I'm doing. He doesn't know or care what I'm going through. Once I've validated him he goes back to the silent treatment, which consists of minimal information sharing and one-word responses to communications.  It's been over a month since our break-up and I still miss him.  It still hurts.  But when I realize that everything is and was one-sided, it helps me to intellectualize "quitting" him and overcoming those cravings.  Think hard about the negatives, read along as we share here, and I know you will be well on your way to healing.

[Hopeful83]

Short answer?  It lasts as long as it lasts.  Long answer:  You've been literally - medically and psychologically - addicted to this person and you're trying to "quit" them.  If you've been a smoker, you know how hard it is to fight those cravings, and this is really no different.  And every time you get a text, call, e-mail from this person, it's like someone holding a fresh pack of Marlboro cigarettes in front of someone who has quit smoking.  YOU WANT THAT DAMN FIX!  Oh man it sucks so bad.  With my first ex, the anxiety/depression/grieving didn't last long because he tried to kill me and wound up in prison.  I was so scared of him that I was happy to be away, but even to this day, a decade later, when he sends an e-mail, something inside of me will receive pleasure from it.  With the most recent ex, though ... .He wasn't violent and I loved him dearly, and he texts me things to say that he's not doing well, or that someone has died, etc., and my instinct is to latch on and save him.  But I can't.  At the end of the day, he was emotionally abusive, and even if he's not lying for attention, the opportunities presented by his life situations allows him to re-engage me ... .only to drop me like a bad habit that same day once I've validated his emotions.  Because, you see, he doesn't ask how I'm doing. He doesn't know or care what I'm going through. Once I've validated him he goes back to the silent treatment, which consists of minimal information sharing and one-word responses to communications.  It's been over a month since our break-up and I still miss him.  It still hurts.  But when I realize that everything is and was one-sided, it helps me to intellectualize "quitting" him and overcoming those cravings.  Think hard about the negatives, read along as we share here, and I know you will be well on your way to healing.

Yeah, you're right. It's good to focus on the negatives whenever we're feeling this way. I've become better at being more practical about the whole thing and this board has really helped me to see things for the way they are. Had I not known about BPD I may have been tempted on many occasions to reengage with him or entertain the crumbs he sends out as a way of knowing whether I'm still around or care. This man is engaged to be married to someone else, and yet he still can't seem to stop sending smoke signals to see what I'm up to - why do they do this? To make sure there's always some supply around in case things go wrong?

And he does this with zero consideration for how I feel or how I've dealt with the utter mess that he's thrown my way. One minute he's posting photos of him and his new fiancee and exclaiming how happy he is, the next he's doing things to get my attention. But I continue to do the same thing - not react.

I just hope he goes away over time and doesn't up his game, because no mater how much I try to tell myself he doesn't bother me every time I hear something new my recovery gets set back a little bit.

[Creativum]

Short answer?  It lasts as long as it lasts.  Long answer:  You've been literally - medically and psychologically - addicted to this person and you're trying to "quit" them.  If you've been a smoker, you know how hard it is to fight those cravings, and this is really no different.  And every time you get a text, call, e-mail from this person, it's like someone holding a fresh pack of Marlboro cigarettes in front of someone who has quit smoking.  YOU WANT THAT DAMN FIX!  Oh man it sucks so bad.  With my first ex, the anxiety/depression/grieving didn't last long because he tried to kill me and wound up in prison.  I was so scared of him that I was happy to be away, but even to this day, a decade later, when he sends an e-mail, something inside of me will receive pleasure from it.  With the most recent ex, though ... .He wasn't violent and I loved him dearly, and he texts me things to say that he's not doing well, or that someone has died, etc., and my instinct is to latch on and save him.  But I can't.  At the end of the day, he was emotionally abusive, and even if he's not lying for attention, the opportunities presented by his life situations allows him to re-engage me ... .only to drop me like a bad habit that same day once I've validated his emotions.  Because, you see, he doesn't ask how I'm doing. He doesn't know or care what I'm going through. Once I've validated him he goes back to the silent treatment, which consists of minimal information sharing and one-word responses to communications.  It's been over a month since our break-up and I still miss him.  It still hurts.  But when I realize that everything is and was one-sided, it helps me to intellectualize "quitting" him and overcoming those cravings.  Think hard about the negatives, read along as we share here, and I know you will be well on your way to healing.

Yeah, you're right. It's good to focus on the negatives whenever we're feeling this way. I've become better at being more practical about the whole thing and this board has really helped me to see things for the way they are. Had I not known about BPD I may have been tempted on many occasions to reengage with him or entertain the crumbs he sends out as a way of knowing whether I'm still around or care. This man is engaged to be married to someone else, and yet he still can't seem to stop sending smoke signals to see what I'm up to - why do they do this? To make sure there's always some supply around in case things go wrong?

And he does this with zero consideration for how I feel or how I've dealt with the utter mess that he's thrown my way. One minute he's posting photos of him and his new fiancee and exclaiming how happy he is, the next he's doing things to get my attention. But I continue to do the same thing - not react.

I just hope he goes away over time and doesn't up his game, because no mater how much I try to tell myself he doesn't bother me every time I hear something new my recovery gets set back a little bit.

Why do they do this?  You nailed it.  Narcissistic supply.  Not all narcissists have BPD, but all people with BPD are narcissistic.  My ex, last night, called me at 2:30am out of desperation -- he was dysregulated, had been drinking, wanted me to talk him down from the ledge, which I did.  And then, when he was calm, asked me if I had ever been propositioned for sex during our relationship, and whether anyone had propositioned me since.  WHAT? This from a guy who, when I asked him "What have you been up to today?" told me flat out that it was none of my goddamn business.  Sigh.  But he does have a need to know what I'm doing and whether I'm still available to him.  I made it VERY CLEAR that I can NOT and will not be the kind of "friend" he thinks I should be to him, because the kinds of things and the kinds of attention he wants are, basically, reserved for that special someone.  He has never had a close friend, and I was his first relationship, so I understand why he seeks me out for comfort.

He will always be obsessed with you in one way or another, at one time or another, but not because he loves you and misses you.  He loves and misses the supply.  Don't be that supply.  Don't be mean, of course, but set up whatever boundaries need to be set up NOW.  Don't wait!

[Hopeful83]

Why do they do this?  You nailed it.  Narcissistic supply.  Not all narcissists have BPD, but all people with BPD are narcissistic.  My ex, last night, called me at 2:30am out of desperation -- he was dysregulated, had been drinking, wanted me to talk him down from the ledge, which I did.  And then, when he was calm, asked me if I had ever been propositioned for sex during our relationship, and whether anyone had propositioned me since.  WHAT? This from a guy who, when I asked him "What have you been up to today?" told me flat out that it was none of my goddamn business.  Sigh.  But he does have a need to know what I'm doing and whether I'm still available to him.  I made it VERY CLEAR that I can NOT and will not be the kind of "friend" he thinks I should be to him, because the kinds of things and the kinds of attention he wants are, basically, reserved for that special someone.  He has never had a close friend, and I was his first relationship, so I understand why he seeks me out for comfort.

He will always be obsessed with you in one way or another, at one time or another, but not because he loves you and misses you.  He loves and misses the supply.  Don't be that supply.  Don't be mean, of course, but set up whatever boundaries need to be set up NOW.  Don't wait!

Jeez, how do you cope with that? I have maintained no contact since the day I ended it apart from one final email that I sent to him. His reply was, quite frankly, unforgivable, so since then I've completely ignored him and got on with my life.

It really hurts to think of myself as 'supply' and I do struggle with that. Makes me feel I was essentially living a lie for three whole years.

[Sadly]

Hi hopeful, am having bad one too, supposed to be packing house into boxes and then driving 5 hours to work for a week, only two more weekends of living over the road from him and endless driving and that's me, gone from our home, my memories and seeing him in the street. Should be feeling better but its all crashing down on me right now.

Cant you block his phone, emails, stay off social media for a while, that will stop the needle digging in, then you can focus on shoving him right out of your head. Hah, would it were that easy :'( . Am putting my arms round you right now, hang on to me too and we can get through another day.   . xx

[Hopeful83]

Hi hopeful, am having bad one too, supposed to be packing house into boxes and then driving 5 hours to work for a week, only two more weekends of living over the road from him and endless driving and that's me, gone from our home, my memories and seeing him in the street. Should be feeling better but its all crashing down on me right now.

Cant you block his phone, emails, stay off social media for a while, that will stop the needle digging in, then you can focus on shoving him right out of your head. Hah, would it were that easy :'( . Am putting my arms round you right now, hang on to me too and we can get through another day.   . xx

Thank you   Here's a hug right back at you. Sounds like you're having quite the tough time at the minute. I know it's not easy, but remember each and everyday we walk towards a drama free, healthy existence. I know it's hard to see it right now.

He's blocked off everything, but he still finds a way to get his news to me. E.g. by applying for a job at my friend's company, for example. I didn't think he could sink lower, but apparently he can. Why he would have the cheek to try that I have no idea.

It's like the nightmare that just keeps giving.

[once removed]

It really hurts to think of myself as 'supply' and I do struggle with that. Makes me feel I was essentially living a lie for three whole years.

"supply" is associated with narcissists, and NPD is a very different disorder than BPD. ourselves and our partners form very loaded attachments - not supply. its not a term that applies, and it would rightfully make anyone feel that way, to believe we never meant anything and only exist as supply. we were very important to our partners - those feelings were not sustainable. it is also a very misleading term when it comes to narcissists, for that matter.

speaking from my experience, four and a half months was not a lot of time. some of the worst was yet to come. which isnt to say i hadnt come a long way in many ways. only that this takes time and recovery is not linear but unique to each of us. personally id say it took me about a year. for some it is shorter, longer for others. i also took a number of supplements that were invaluable to me and my coping.

can you ask your friends and those around you to stop keeping you posted? i think that would go a very long way.

[Hopeful83]

It really hurts to think of myself as 'supply' and I do struggle with that. Makes me feel I was essentially living a lie for three whole years.

"supply" is associated with narcissists, and NPD is a very different disorder than BPD. ourselves and our partners form very loaded attachments - not supply. its not a term that applies, and it would rightfully make anyone feel that way, to believe we never meant anything and only exist as supply. we were very important to our partners - those feelings were not sustainable. it is also a very misleading term when it comes to narcissists, for that matter.

speaking from my experience, four and a half months was not a lot of time. some of the worst was yet to come. which isnt to say i hadnt come a long way in many ways. only that this takes time and recovery is not linear but unique to each of us. personally id say it took me about a year. for some it is shorter, longer for others. i also took a number of supplements that were invaluable to me and my coping.

can you ask your friends and those around you to stop keeping you posted? i think that would go a very long way.

What kind of supplements did you take, Once Removed?

Thanks for the words of advice and for explaining the supply thing to me. It makes me feel a bit better when you put it like that.

I guess I'm feeling a bit despondent because I had a full week of feeling great; my confidence was back, I was focused on my work, I was busy, I felt like he was just a distance dream.

All of a sudden I feel like I'm back to where I was. I knew that I hadn't seen the end of the bad days, but I didn't realise I'd be back to self-doubting or feeling sad. And that's what I've been feeling today - an overwhelming sense of sadness. I miss him and I hate to admit that I miss him after everything he's done and how easily he turned his back on me. He's made a mockery out of me and our three years together, and he's off with his new fiancee, grinning away on Facebook, while I'm still picking up the pieces and feeling sad. It's just not fair.

I had told all my friends not to tell me anything about him anymore, and it did help to a great extent. I think this particular friend who brought news of him last week had completely forgotten that I had said that I didn't want to hear anything anymore - either that or she thinks I don't care now, which couldn't be further from the truth.

Anyway, as always, thank you to everyone for being so supportive. These have been some dark months.

On the plus side, I started NaNoWriMo today - National Novel Writing Month. Have to write 50k words by the end of November. So I'm trying to focus as much of my energy on that as I can.

Hopeful

[once removed]

And that's what I've been feeling today - an overwhelming sense of sadness. I miss him and I hate to admit that I miss him after everything he's done and how easily he turned his back on me. He's made a mockery out of me and our three years together, and he's off with his new fiancee, grinning away on Facebook, while I'm still picking up the pieces and feeling sad. It's just not fair.

i understand, hopeful83  . in my first two months, i told myself my feelings were wrong. that i shouldnt miss her, that i should feel nothing, that something was wrong with me for missing and longing for a person who had hurt me post break up. frankly i realized i wasnt being true to myself, and was invalidating myself. the result? i think it made things more painful. its not fair, but the truth is, breakups usually arent. i understand we are talking extremes here, but think about it.

"I had told all my friends not to tell me anything about him anymore, and it did help to a great extent. I think this particular friend who brought news of him last week had completely forgotten that I had said that I didn't want to hear anything anymore - either that or she thinks I don't care now, which couldn't be further from the truth."

remind them. keep reminding them. make it a boundary. this news is hurting you. not everyone around us understands, sometimes they are even attracted to the show. thats their drama, not yours. you dont have to tell them that it upsets you, although you can. you can be very firm, tell them that you have moved on, and are not interested in hearing about this person. whatever is comfortable, but i recommend it, and i recommend being firm. protect your recovery.

congratulations on starting the writing project! thats a big step, its something to focus on. you are very right that there may be more bad days ahead; recovery is not linear, i cant stress that enough. what i do know is that over time the good days outweigh the bad. hopeful83, it may be that you dont even recognize when the time comes that you have recovered, but look back and see it. the big picture is hard to see; i suspect an outsider would tell you that you have made remarkable progress in spite of some seriously painful obstacles.

[Hopeful83]

i understand, hopeful83  . in my first two months, i told myself my feelings were wrong. that i shouldnt miss her, that i should feel nothing, that something was wrong with me for missing and longing for a person who had hurt me post break up. frankly i realized i wasnt being true to myself, and was invalidating myself. the result? i think it made things more painful. its not fair, but the truth is, breakups usually arent. i understand we are talking extremes here, but think about it.

"I had told all my friends not to tell me anything about him anymore, and it did help to a great extent. I think this particular friend who brought news of him last week had completely forgotten that I had said that I didn't want to hear anything anymore - either that or she thinks I don't care now, which couldn't be further from the truth."

remind them. keep reminding them. make it a boundary. this news is hurting you. not everyone around us understands, sometimes they are even attracted to the show. thats their drama, not yours. you dont have to tell them that it upsets you, although you can. you can be very firm, tell them that you have moved on, and are not interested in hearing about this person. whatever is comfortable, but i recommend it, and i recommend being firm. protect your recovery.

congratulations on starting the writing project! thats a big step, its something to focus on. you are very right that there may be more bad days ahead; recovery is not linear, i cant stress that enough. what i do know is that over time the good days outweigh the bad. hopeful83, it may be that you dont even recognize when the time comes that you have recovered, but look back and see it. the big picture is hard to see; i suspect an outsider would tell you that you have made remarkable progress in spite of some seriously painful obstacles.

Thank you 

I know no breakup is fair - someone is always more hurt than the other. But I just didn't see this coming. It was an explosion so sudden and unexpected that it threw me. And his behaviour during and post-breakup was uncalled for, hurtful and disrespectful.

The painful part is trying to understand how someone can go from saying you're the love of his life, to "I'm not sure about this anymore" in the space of weeks. I guess that's why I find it unfair - his treatment of me was unfair, and he gets to walk away scotch free, while I'm left picking up the pieces and wondering what on earth happened. One moment he was Skyping with my mum because he was worried about her (that's how close he was to my family) the next he was ignoring her pleas to talk to him. This just isn't normal - or nice.

Ah well.

[JohnnyShoes]

You Lost your SELF in him.

When he left, he took a mighty big chunk. The chunk that you let him have... by daily sacrificing your feelings, desires, values etc... just to try to keep him.

Been there, did that. It was the worse thing ... .the worse experience of my life.

Felt like someone stole my soul.

Keep moving forward, each person is different.

There IS a light at the end of this... .and slowly you will feel better... .you will feel hopeful again.

Just keep moving forward, not backward.

Occasionally we may take 2 steps forward, and one back... that's ok.

Give yourself credit. What you went through, not many people don't experience.

But this WILL make you stronger and wiser.

Just remember, you'll be ovrrvit When you are over it.

Peace and hugs

Johnny

[once removed]

i understand hopeful83  . i certainly didnt mean to minimize the pain you are experiencing, its traumatic stuff.

we are here for you every step of the way  .