What to do?

[Samuel S.]

I am married to my BPDw who was lovey dovey and now has been verbally abusive and neglectful. When she has been that way with me, I have been in a state of shock, and I rarely have countered what she has said. As for being neglectful of the relationship, she rationalizes her need to do everything at the expense of our relationship. She recognizes her extreme departure, but she is so bound and determined to do what she wants to do and to say, that I feel very alone. To her credit, she does prepare meals, but that is completely it: no intimacy, no dating, and will only be in the same room basically for family events and holidays.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ChangingOfTides]

I recognize what you describe, the extreme departure and the state of shock and confusion it throws you in. Been experiencing that myself the past 5-6 months.

Its hard as hell, like the sky is falling down.

You can't change her behaviour and intent, any effort or pressure you initiate in that direction will backfire.

The only thing you can change is yourself. How you stand in the relationship, how you deal with the loneliness, how you deal with the departure and find out how you are part of the BPD dance.

Also look back at what may have caused this departure, could it be a reaction driven by her very own abandonment fear, did your behaviour somehow trigger this unintentionally by devaluing her... .

It can turn around, in my case it is slowly reversing again, and it involved also taking a hard look at how i was behaving. An initial reaction is to try and control their emotion rollercoaster, so you start pushing and pulling with them, and it only makes things worse, as it is often devaluing and self defeating.

I am learning to control my own emotions better, and as my self awareness grows i take things less personal, while providing a more consistent care and validation. I am less and less expecting her to control her very own emotional rollercoster and behaviour.

Its a hard spot you are in, its basically a fairytale turning into a nightmare.

Is she in therapy, and what about you, do you have your support networK?

[Samuel S.]

ChangingOfTides, thank you for your post.

My BPDw's background was when she was a child, she was verbally, physically, and emotionally abused. Her mother expected her as the oldest child to be the role model, to be perfect, etc. She was expected to go to college. She was expected to perform exceptionally. Thus, she got a great job. Then, she got married and had 2 kids, 1 of whom passed away at the tender age of 7 1/2 over 16 years ago. Then, they got divorced, and she married me.

About 10 years ago, she started getting counseling from a woman who said that it is okay to change her life pattern. Thus, she started exploring different areas for her own pleasure, including now studying for a career change now for the last 2 1/2 years with 1 1/2 years to go.

I have been supportive of her need to do what she wants, but like a kid taking a cookie out of a cookie jar for the first time, she has gone to focusing on our marriage to virtually excluding our marriage, all of which she freely has admitted. When I have asked if we could possibly have more time together like going on a date even once a month or once a year, she says that she will see. The result has been nothing. Also, she has been verbally and emotionally abusive with me when she is in a bad mood along with being neglectful.

In the meantime, I have focused on myself by going to counseling when I am really feeling lonely. I have focused on teaching and tutoring part-time, writing books, taking day trips to visit friends, and rarely seeing my daughters who are far away.