How to deal with the pain

[thisagain]

Hi everyone 

I've been hurting so much that it's keeping me from doing much of anything other than barely go to work... .I've done everything I can think of to make this easier for me, other than go completely NC/DNR. I call and leave her a message sometimes, even though she blocked my number, hoping maybe someday she'll listen to it. I wouldn't want to get back together with her anyways (unless she made some serious and long-term changes), but I just hate the devalued feeling and having to give up on the future we planned together, so sometimes I can't help myself from calling.

Plus I just moved to a new state where I have no friends at all (the plan was to visit her on weekends) and now I'm totally alone. Everything in my life is so different. My chronic illness has been flaring up and I really need to set up a new team of doctors, massage therapist, etc but this breakup has left me so debilitated. I have a history of avoiding medical care because I'm afraid the doctors will not hear me or will minimize my pain... .so that fear has been kicked up by the relationship that left me feeling so unheard and devalued.

I read all the lessons, I understand what happened and why, I've been seeing a therapist once a week. But I just can't shake the constant pain and sadness, and it's really weighing me down and keeping me from doing things that could make me feel much better (find a doctor, eat better, etc). Is there anything I can do other than wait for it to pass?

[hashtag_loyal]

I would recommend studying your feelings closely and trying to determine which part of your pain is from the breakup (which you can no longer control) and which is from everything else (which you actually have control over.) Being all alone in a new state would be stressful for anyone!

[cloudten]

Ugh... .I empathize completely. moving is so hard in and of itself. Not having friends at a time like this must make it even more painful.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist... .that is good. I read the book "getting past your breakup" by susan elliot. It has helped me a lot. It has also made me realize that the things I think about and experience day in and day out of the breakup are normal... .and that with time it will get better.

Have you thought about going on medicine for depression for a tiny bit? It might help pull you out of the slump. It helped me for a few weeks. I could concentrate again. I think if you describe your symptoms to your doctor, you would have no issue getting a script or at least advice.

I think its very important that you remain no contact, especially as you wouldn't want to get back with her.

It is normal to grieve the lost dreams and plans.

If you come up with a very specific plan of 10 things you would have to do before contacting her, this might help.

My own list:

go to the gym

call a friend

spend time with my daughter

watch tv

post on BPD forum

email a friend

text other friends

have a glass of wine

take a bath or shower

do household chores

take a nap/go to bed

etc.

I have to do all of these things before I contact him.  So far it has worked for me. I think a very specific list in the order you should do them will help. if you get through all of that and still want to contact her, I would be surprised.

Coming on this forum has saved me countless times. It usually only takes reading someone else's horror story to not want to relive my own.

[lm911]

Hi there! It will get better, you need time. In order time to past quicker you should get yourself busy with some activities. I will also suggest you read the book: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. It will help you better than any therapists. It will show you why is this pain there and what you can do about it. Please, read it and you will feel better.

[musherx]

It sounds like you are caught in a state of trauma. I was also in a PTSD state. I suggest you look into EMDR. It helped me with the PTSD and also to consolidate a vision of the BPD person I was with and myself. It helped me reframe her angelic persona from the honeymoon phase, when she was idealizing me, as a subset of her true self, the unloving, uncaring, unrecognizable, etc. It pulled me away from dreams of a future with her and emotional enmeshing. EMDR helped me tremendously. I am now convinced that EMDR should be on the check list of everyone that has had a close relationship with a pwBPD. Good luck.

[zundertowz]

I'm in a very similar situation.  I moved a few months ago to a different state and have no social life at all.  I have never really felt like I lost the love of my life or would ever want her back but my ego wants her to contact me.  I'm mostly angry about the way I was treated ( mental and psychical abuse, smear campaign). No acknowledgment of all I did for her... .just I smear campaign of how abusive I am.  7 months later I still fight the urge to fire off a nasty e-mail.

[thisagain]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone 

I'm pretty used to moving and starting in a new place, but it's normally for school which comes with built-in friends... .Here I work in a very small office and my coworkers don't live nearby, so I have work-friends but not outside-of-work friends. I joined a bunch of things like book clubs and knitting circles, and I'm looking to get more involved in a religious community (ironically my ex's religion but I found a lot of meaning in it for myself). So I guess that's how people make friends?

Cloudten, did you find that the book resonated with your experience? I haven't found regular post-breakup advice (including my therapist's) to be that helpful because so much of the pain is from the traumatic BPD aspects of the relationship. So the usual advice is pretty non-responsive and irrelevant to what I'm feeling.

Scared to try antidepressants because in the past the side effects have interacted in very nasty ways with my physical illness. Might risk it if I can't dig myself out pretty soon... .I do have some anti-anxiety meds for acute situations, which I used to sleep a couple times immediately post-breakup. I've needed them for two situations in my life: a cancer scare, and my BPD ex

Musherx, welcome to bpdfamily!   What was EMDR like and how did it help you? I have had some more traditional PTSD-type symptoms like nightmares, panic attacks, panic attacks in my therapist's office when she asked me to describe the nightmares... .She's trained to do EMDR so maybe I'll ask her if she thinks it would be helpful.

Thirdeye, I hear you with the anger about how we were treated and not being acknowledged for everything we did. For a while when she was wanting to get back together I really ranted at her a lot and it actually made me feel better (at least temporarily). But then she cut me off with no explanation and now I just wish I could hear her say that she knows she screwed up and she would have been lucky to have me

[Rameses]

It sounds like you are caught in a state of trauma. I was also in a PTSD state. I suggest you look into EMDR. It helped me with the PTSD and also to consolidate a vision of the BPD person I was with and myself. It helped me reframe her angelic persona from the honeymoon phase, when she was idealizing me, as a subset of her true self, the unloving, uncaring, unrecognizable, etc. It pulled me away from dreams of a future with her and emotional enmeshing. EMDR helped me tremendously. I am now convinced that EMDR should be on the check list of everyone that has had a close relationship with a pwBPD. Good luck.

Wow, I couldn't agree more! I am in the midst of EMDR therapy and I cannot believe some of the things that are coming up. Not only pertaining to my borderline wife but some major events from earlier in my life.

Most of us have been traumatized by our borderlines behavior, and in many cases we have shut off our emotions regarding these incidences or compartmentalized them.

In my first session a very traumatic event with my BPDw surfaced. I had told the story many times and never once did I have any emotions attached to it.

But during my first EMDR session I started to weep over that situation and felt it intensely. I was very skeptical going in, but after that first session I was convinced.

It is really worth taking a look at.

[Darsha500]

Hey this again,

I can relate to your plight. When my relationship hit the bricks I was very motivated, trying to get a job, apply to grad programs, and study for the GRE. But when the relationship fell apart some 3 and 1/2 months ago, I went along with it.

I had absolutely no motivation, and this was killer, because it meant the that i couldn't be active towards my goals. I just simply could not bring myself to do anything productive in that arena.

What I had to do was give my self permission to be a mess. I already felt like sh!t, I didn't need to make myself worse because of my lack of motivation.

What did this look like for me? It meant constantly checking in with myself and asking "what do you need RIGHT NOW." If that was to cry, then I cried. If that was to lay in bed and watch netflix. Thats what I did. If it was, get off your booty and go to the gym. Then I tried my best. Though many a workout got cut short because the grief was too big.

This practice has been very helpful for me. Envisioning myself as my own best parent, pushing myself at times, but also being compassionate for myself and honoring my wounds and giving them what they need to heal.

I have come an extremely long way from the early days. Everyone says that a large part of it comes down to time. And it is so true I think. I didn't want to hear that. I wanted out of the pain, NOW! But I have found it has been this matter of just gritting my teeth and getting through it. Just Trudging onward and upward.

The weight that now feels like a 100 lb iron ball being dragged behind you, will progressively get lighter. The pain that i feel now is so subtle. It use to be directly in my face. Now I see it and smile, and laugh at it. Its strange I know.

What you are doing is the right thing. As far as seeing your therapist and what not. Oh yah, I second stop care taking the borderline. AMAZING READ! read books, Its been tremendously helpful for me. capitalize on this pain to propel you into a new state of being.

Godspeed Homito.

[Hopeful83]

Hey this again,

I can relate to your plight. When my relationship hit the bricks I was very motivated, trying to get a job, apply to grad programs, and study for the GRE. But when the relationship fell apart some 3 and 1/2 months ago, I went along with it.

I had absolutely no motivation, and this was killer, because it meant the that i couldn't be active towards my goals. I just simply could not bring myself to do anything productive in that arena.

What I had to do was give my self permission to be a mess. I already felt like sh!t, I didn't need to make myself worse because of my lack of motivation.

What did this look like for me? It meant constantly checking in with myself and asking "what do you need RIGHT NOW." If that was to cry, then I cried. If that was to lay in bed and watch netflix. Thats what I did. If it was, get off your booty and go to the gym. Then I tried my best. Though many a workout got cut short because the grief was too big.

This practice has been very helpful for me. Envisioning myself as my own best parent, pushing myself at times, but also being compassionate for myself and honoring my wounds and giving them what they need to heal.

I have come an extremely long way from the early days. Everyone says that a large part of it comes down to time. And it is so true I think. I didn't want to hear that. I wanted out of the pain, NOW! But I have found it has been this matter of just gritting my teeth and getting through it. Just Trudging onward and upward.

The weight that now feels like a 100 lb iron ball being dragged behind you, will progressively get lighter. The pain that i feel now is so subtle. It use to be directly in my face. Now I see it and smile, and laugh at it. Its strange I know.

What you are doing is the right thing. As far as seeing your therapist and what not. Oh yah, I second stop care taking the borderline. AMAZING READ! read books, Its been tremendously helpful for me. capitalize on this pain to propel you into a new state of being.

Godspeed Homito.

Darsha, I just wanted to say that this is incredibly helpful, thank you. Sometimes you really need to hear that it's okay to feel the way that we do.

[musherx]

Hi Thisagain,

Since EMDR requires no drugs or weird machinery, it seems fairly simple. From what I have learned, it uses your brain's natural mechanisms to process recent events into memories through bilateral eye movement as happens in REM sleep, (I use little hand buzzers called tappers).

In my experience with EMDR, I begin my sessions with my "resources", my Dogs and a favorite place, in sort of a hypnotic/meditative state. The resources serves as a starting point of safety and happiness. From there the therapist leads me into the trauma so I can see what is happening from both a reliving and detached perspective. After that, we have a discussion with me still in hypnotic/meditative state of what could have been better and how someone that loved me (Dogs) would have treated me.

I think the basic approach is to address the trauma from a place of safety, relive the trauma and also see it from a detached perspective, and finally gives perspective on how healthy interactions can occur.

It sounds so simple, but the quality of the EMDR experience depends upon the dedication of the patient and the ability of the therapist to frame the trauma and perspective.

I'm no expert, but this is my experience, I hope my description is helpful.

Ciao

[cloudten]

The book I read did help me at different stages... .it's got a big chapter on no contact. it's got a big chapter on positive affirmations (which is where I am at right now). I actually try to get outside of the BPD world as much as possible. I won't read any of the BPD books anymore because I am determined to make it a thing of the past. This forum is the only way I stay connected to BPD and his disorder... .and it's not so I understand him, but so I heal myself.

I love what Darsha500 says about "What do I need RIGHT NOW?"  That is exactly what you should be doing... .doing what you need to do right now. What do i want right now? What will make me happy right now? etc.

I date myself.  I literally date myself. I hate dating other people and right now its not appropriate for where I am at healing... .so I date myself. It has been very freeing.

[thisagain]

Thanks everyone   

Darsha, you know the part about time is not what anyone wants to hear, but I really appreciate the encouragement to give myself what I need and not be hard on myself.

Unfortunately what I want "right now" is either a nap or netflix on the couch, all day. But I think a big part of that is also my physical disability (working 9 to 5 instead of a flexible school schedule is hard!), so I'm trying to get that more under control.

I think I'll ask my therapist about EMDR too. I had a really good relationship with a therapist where I lived before, and she knew the whole context of my disability, family, relationship, etc... .So the new therapist and I have mostly just been covering background so far. I'm finding it pretty unhelpful though, to tell about all these struggles I've had and hear a lot of basic "that must have been hard" type validation. It makes me feel even more stuck, to tell a therapist about all this awful stuff and basically just hear "yup that sure is awful."

[Darsha500]

Hey this again,

I can relate to your plight. When my relationship hit the bricks I was very motivated, trying to get a job, apply to grad programs, and study for the GRE. But when the relationship fell apart some 3 and 1/2 months ago, I went along with it.

I had absolutely no motivation, and this was killer, because it meant the that i couldn't be active towards my goals. I just simply could not bring myself to do anything productive in that arena.

What I had to do was give my self permission to be a mess. I already felt like sh!t, I didn't need to make myself worse because of my lack of motivation.

What did this look like for me? It meant constantly checking in with myself and asking "what do you need RIGHT NOW." If that was to cry, then I cried. If that was to lay in bed and watch netflix. Thats what I did. If it was, get off your booty and go to the gym. Then I tried my best. Though many a workout got cut short because the grief was too big.

This practice has been very helpful for me. Envisioning myself as my own best parent, pushing myself at times, but also being compassionate for myself and honoring my wounds and giving them what they need to heal.

I have come an extremely long way from the early days. Everyone says that a large part of it comes down to time. And it is so true I think. I didn't want to hear that. I wanted out of the pain, NOW! But I have found it has been this matter of just gritting my teeth and getting through it. Just Trudging onward and upward.

The weight that now feels like a 100 lb iron ball being dragged behind you, will progressively get lighter. The pain that i feel now is so subtle. It use to be directly in my face. Now I see it and smile, and laugh at it. Its strange I know.

What you are doing is the right thing. As far as seeing your therapist and what not. Oh yah, I second stop care taking the borderline. AMAZING READ! read books, Its been tremendously helpful for me. capitalize on this pain to propel you into a new state of being.

Godspeed Homito.

Darsha, I just wanted to say that this is incredibly helpful, thank you. Sometimes you really need to hear that it's okay to feel the way that we do.

My pleasure, sincerely.

It really is a kind of honor and privilege to be able to pay it forward by sharing the insights gained from this experience. It's been so rewarding, and, I'd say, I huge part of the grieving process. In giving advice to others, I'm simuleteneously giving advice to myself, and reinforcing my own beliefs.

In AA we have this thing where we are supposed to carry the message of recovery to the alcoholic still suffering. In this way we ensure our own sobriety. I think the same principle applies here to an extent. By sharing our strength and hope with each other, we lift ourselves up along with those we lift.

So on that note. Let us not hide our wisdom. Let us share with one another with a spirit of comorodity.