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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Introduction  (Read 505 times)
BeMore

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: November 20, 2015, 08:03:04 AM »

I googled "being called a liar all the time", and ended up here. I am so mad right now, this person in my life has completely made me understand how murder happens. I have wondered if he was BPD before... .I really need some help dealing with this.

This person has very definite "cycles"... .days go by with him being "normal" and easy to get along with, then Poof!  With little or no warning, he acts like he hates me, accuses me of all manner of garbage... .Last night, he started with the "liar" business. Some background: together for just over a year, living together. About 9 months ago, we were in a store, and I was upset at the clerk. I walked out to cool off, and a fellow followed me outside. Being in a very annoyed state, when he addressed me (by name) I put up my hand and said "don't talk to me!"... .never really looked closely at the guy, I was just that mad. I ended up walking off. I didn't think of it again until a month or so later when the same guy showed up at a restaurant I was working at, I saw his name and realized he was someone I had a casual relationship with 12 YEARS prior. Didn't have any real conversation with him at that point either. At any rate, I made the mistake of letting the bf know that I had figured out who this fellow was. The bf had seen the guy follow me out, and even though I didn't engage, he was suspicious (EVERYTHING is suspicious to him). At any rate, this whole thing has morphed into me having a secret affair with this person, I am a liar, I can't be trusted, etc etc. We can be driving by the restaurant where I used to work, and he will make comments like "Oh, there's (my) old hangout, where (I) used to *f* so-and-so in the back parking lot"... .absolutely ridiculous stuff... .so anyway, last night, completely out of the blue, he starts in on this, calls me a liar over and over, reveals that he now has this person's phone number (small town), and has been talking with him (debatable, he makes things up all the time just to see my reaction), and CALLS this person at 1 am or something to "arrange" a meeting so I will have to "fess" up! I have no clue who he really called, if it WAS that person they would have already told him that we have had no real contact for ages... .whatever... .I ignored that whole crapola as best I could, and went to sleep. But he wasn't done!

Woke up a few hours later to use bathroom. Simple, right? Nope. I get back to the bedroom, and he jumps up, runs in the bathroom himself, and comes back to ask me why I left the toilet seat up! I didn't, but who cares? Well, obviously him. He insists I did, I tell him I did NOT, and he goes into the same s*it as the night before... .I'm a liar, thus is why he hates me, I can't be trusted etc etc... .OVER A TOILET SEAT! so now I just think he is gaslighting me, I don't know, but it is infuriating. On top of that, he is a master at accusing ME of whatever it is he is guilty of. I'm not sure if I am dealing with a BPD, a sociopath, or a bit of both... .I love him, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. Sure y'all have heard all this kind of stuff before. I am checking out the resources available, very helpful, and keeps me from engaging in yet another circular argument with you-know-who... .

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Chilibean13
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 204


« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2015, 09:59:55 AM »

Welcome to the board. Your situation sounds familiar to many of the stories here. You have found a place for support.

THe first place to start is to read the lessons (see the right side of the page). Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse. We (the non BPD) have a part in the dysfunctional dance we've helped create. Our SO's are mentally ill but we are not. We have the ability to control our emotions while as it is, they do not. We can determine whether we will engage in their delusions, argue with them about it, or apologize for it.

Validation and boundaries are the key. You will find lots of info on how to do this in the Lessons.

Looking forward to hearing more from you and watching your successes as you learn new techniques for your partner's dysregulation.
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BeMore

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2015, 01:03:43 PM »

Thank you, Chilibean. I have

been reading the tools section and also many other postings and laughing at how similar it all is. Def not alone here!
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TheRealJongoBong
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2015, 03:26:38 PM »

Hi BeMore, this interaction with your p is interesting. My take would be that he's feeling very insecure in his relationship with you and it's tweaking his fear of abandonment.  You innocently mentioned another man to him and because his anxiety level is high he feels that it's further evidence of abandonment. He's stressed out with anxiety and instead of telling you why (since he's probably not aware why) he start venting his anxieties of abandonment that you're having an affair, etc. You don't validate his feelings (since all you see is this screaming person) which further heightens his anxiety and adds to his "proof". Then you ignore him and go to sleep which, in his current state of arousal is also proof you don't care about him and that he is going to be abandoned.  He's on hair trigger now, and when you get up to go to the bathroom the sounds aren't right to to what he thinks is expected - the anxiety goes up one more notch and blam! he completely dysregulates. In this state he's sure you feel he's unworthy and are going to abandon him because you don't even do something as simple as putting the toilet seat where he feels comfortable.

After this episode he's going to feel terrible that he lost control and that for sure this time you're going. He will be on his best behavior (such as it is) so that you will stay and love him. And then the cycle repeats... .
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Icthelight
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 78


« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2015, 04:47:19 PM »

I have been reading the tools section and also many other postings and laughing at how similar it all is. Def not alone here!

Isn't it amazing how similar the stories are? People on here have a great sense of humor. They not only share so much detail, are very helpful, but can find some humor in all of this.

Sorry you're going through all of this. Keep reading and learning and try to not engage and to set boundaries for yourself. The more you learn, the more all of this will make sense. Many times now, I see my wife coming from a mile away, her behavior is very predictable. She still knows how to push my buttons, so I have to continue to work on not taking things personally and to call a time out sooner.

The toilet seat scenario you describe is typical BPD behavior. I don't mean to make fun of this scenario, but this made me shake my head and think, "OH NO." Hang in there, you're not alone.
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BeMore

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2015, 10:08:15 PM »

Jong: I wish I could say he is insecure, I have my doubts. I think it is territorial behavior, if anything. He laughs at me whenever I speak of jealousy... .He runs hot and cold on that front. Has gone through my phone numerous times, even said he'd kill me and anyone  he caught me with... .but those are the rare times when he catches himself and pretty quickly will do a 180 and tell me he doesn't care WHAT I do, that he wants out, I am boring etc. He breaks up with me at least twice a week, usually over nothing via some manufactured argument he has created. He asked me to marry him once and when I looked at him and said I thought he was joking (not sure if I want to sign up for a lifetime of this, wanting things to get better?), he dropped it... .now every time we fight, he points out that we are not engaged and are never going to be, so he can do anything he wants... .button pushing for sure... .did I mention that 9 months ago ( before I started to understand the cyclical/manufactured nature of things, I left for a day/night after some BS, and he slept with someone (MY fault, per him, I made him!... .give me a break!) and got her pregnant? Baby was born Friday, we both were at the hospital... .When he is   "normal"... .haha - relative term-he is realistic about that relationship and tries, in his way, to reassure me. When he isn't... .well, she's the best thing ever. Loves to throw that in my face... .insanity... .so why do I stay? He is unbelievably charming and fun the rest of the time... .very talented musically and artistically... .just more (soap opera)/history... .and maybe some plain old venting... .been alone with this took long... .

Otherwise, did a good job of keeping cool today when he triggered me... .no JADE... .yes, learning... .trying to validate correctly ( and minus the sarcasm I so badly wanted to insert... .yes, I was still mad, but dealt with it... .breathe... .
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TheRealJongoBong
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2015, 09:40:10 AM »

Hi BeMore, it sounds as if your partner has a bit of a narcissistic shell that he uses for protection. My wife does this a lot when she's feeling threatened emotionally. It's certainly tough being on the receiving end, I know. Still many of the items in your post speak to me of pretty good anxiety issues.

I'll point a big one out here.  He asked you to marry him once and you told him you thought he was joking. What if he really wasn't?  If so, you very much invalidated both his emotions and his view of your relationship. It would heighten his fear of abandonment and, given his protective shell, would cause him to lash out in unhealthy ways. Now he brings it up every time you fight because it still hurts him and is still unresolved and still increases his FOA.

Please don't think for a minute that I am discounting your emotions in this whole thing. I know myself how hard it is not to get triggered by the crazy that these people generate. It's just very helpful for my relationship to keep in touch with my wife's emotional state (both short and long term anxiety) for understanding how my actions may be contributing to it.
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