How to put old incomplete memory of disturbing thing to rest?

[daughterandmom]

Hi everyone

This may be the wrong place for this, but knowing that many of us had childhoods that were lacking in many similar ways, I figured maybe someone would relate and have some advice for me. If I am posting this in the wrong section, I apologize- I am still new to the whole forum thing.

When I was 16, 30 years ago, I had left home and was living with a boyfriend. I didn't have a name for it then, but I know now that I was having a lot of PTSD and anxiety issues. Often, especially laying in bed late at night the anxiety would reach such a high pitch that I would get in a weird dream like state where things didn't feel real and I would have an uncontrollable urge to go wander around outside. I sort of had a sense that nothing bad could happen to me because nothing felt real. Does that make sense?

Anyways, on one of these nights a long, strange series of events happened. At the time I did not understand my reactions, but when I made it back that night I was shivering and felt numb. I wasn't able to talk and my teeth chattered uncontrollably. This went on for a few days. After that I put it out of my mind and went about my business and it didn't come to mind again until about two years later, when all of a sudden it was on my mind constantly. I told a few people the story, and the teeth chattering and numb feeling came over me again each time. After a little bit I felt like I had it out of my system.

Flash forward 20 some years- none of this has crossed my mind in a long time, but all of a sudden it's on my mind all the time. Now I realize that my reactions after the event indicate trauma. But, I wouldn't consider anything that happened really traumatic. I look at the story again and I tell my T and go through it with my husband. There's a lot of holes, and parts that just don't make sense. The stuff I do remember is incredibly clear, like I can picture faces, what I was wearing, where everything was in the room etc- Like a a still photo. But then there's gaps. And it's driving me crazy.

This whole thing feels more like the present, and more important than my actual current life. And I don't know how to put it to rest. I haven't remembered any more details and I am afraid I never will. I don't know how to get past it.

Any advice?

[Sarah girl]

Hi daughterandmom,

When I was 16, 30 years ago, I had left home and was living with a boyfriend. I didn't have a name for it then, but I know now that I was having a lot of PTSD and anxiety issues. Often, especially laying in bed late at night the anxiety would reach such a high pitch that I would get in a weird dream like state where things didn't feel real and I would have an uncontrollable urge to go wander around outside. I sort of had a sense that nothing bad could happen to me because nothing felt real. Does that make sense?

That feeling is all too familiar to me. I remember as a child, being in the schoolyard at recess and feeling like I was floating away from my body and that I existed outside of time. I just felt completely disconnected form everything - like I was in a void. When I was in university, I would wander around downtown after my classes in a similar daze and did feel like I was in a dream. I only recently read about complex ptsd. I always assumed everyone felt that way. So yes, you are definitely not alone.

If you are recalling a particular experience from the past, it might be that your mind is trying to sort something out so that it could move on. Sometimes, the therapy process will bring up long-lost memories. It can feel pretty random but this could mean progress. It could mean that you're now closer to getting to the heart of the experiences that may have caused the ptsd. If your mind is bringing this the forefront, than it's worth taking the time to really work through the memory. I wouldn't get too frustrated. Just take it as it comes and eventually, it might offer you some insight. Don't worry, you will get past it!