Hello and thanks goodness I am (apparently) not on my own..but feel like crap...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello. It seems I am not completely alone in this situation after all ... .which is kind of comforting.

I have been living with (female) partner for 22 years and have a son. My partner has always been somewhat fragile and I have always played the old fashioned role of provider, sorter - out of problems - and just been there generally. My partner and I have been both lovers and very best friends. She was always there for me too.

Around 3 years ago, things just didn't seem to be working out as well as normal, which was unusual. My partner, lets call her Jane, never seemed to be entirely satisfied with my endevours but now seemed even less so. She always wanted to seem to move another step up an imaginary ladder, which was great when we were a little younger but as we got older I still wanted to work hard, but also enjoy life and chill out when we could.

We seemed to be growing apart - just a little and then WHAM! all the symptoms of BPD became apparent. Jane became fixated on her own self all the time, became paranoid that I was going to desert or abandon her and then the anger began. There were massive anger attacks with Violent outburst. Then it would be as though nothing has happened.

We begged the NHS for help on many occasions but no one seemed to care. Jane became fixated on everything I did - thought - said, but is was the anger/violence that did it most as every time I tried to help and get close these outbursts would push me further apart.

We have lived apart for 2 years now but have been in touch and trying to patch things up but is was always the same. We would be getting close and Wham! again. A hugely angry outburst would push us apart again, or a zillion phone calls that hung up or rambling texts.

Three or four weeks ago I felt I was gonna have a breakdown myself and said that I couldn't go on and wanted to call it a day definitely (we had talked about this before). I said I was not going to contact Jane for the foreseeable future, but NOT desert her financially and give all of the backup and support I could without actual contact whilst I healed myself.

A few days later Jane took an overdose and was hospitalised. She was diagnosed with BPD a few days ago.

I still want time to heal. The thought of seeing her almost terrifies me right now. I feel like she is manipulating my loyalty and willingness to help but is that part of her illness?

Basically I feel like a CRAP right now but need some space.

Any ideas for the future? Do I just give up or is there a way that I can still show love and kindness to Jane without going completely mad myself?

Thanks for listening and any ideas gratefully received folks... .

[Bikerman]

Hello. It seems I am not completely alone in this situation after all ... .which is kind of comforting.

I have been living with (female) partner for 22 years and have a son. My partner has always been somewhat fragile and I have always played the old fashioned role of provider, sorter - out of problems - and just been there generally. My partner and I have been both lovers and very best friends. She was always there for me too.

Around 3 years ago, things just didn't seem to be working out as well as normal, which was unusual. My partner, lets call her Jane, never seemed to be entirely satisfied with my endevours but now seemed even less so. She always wanted to seem to move another step up an imaginary ladder, which was great when we were a little younger but as we got older I still wanted to work hard, but also enjoy life and chill out when we could.

We seemed to be growing apart - just a little and then WHAM! all the symptoms of BPD became apparent. Jane became fixated on her own self all the time, became paranoid that I was going to desert or abandon her and then the anger began. There were massive anger attacks with Violent outburst. Then it would be as though nothing has happened.

We begged the NHS for help on many occasions but no one seemed to care. Jane became fixated on everything I did - thought - said, but is was the anger/violence that did it most as every time I tried to help and get close these outbursts would push me further apart.

We have lived apart for 2 years now but have been in touch and trying to patch things up but is was always the same. We would be getting close and Wham! again. A hugely angry outburst would push us apart again, or a zillion phone calls that hung up or rambling texts.

Three or four weeks ago I felt I was gonna have a breakdown myself and said that I couldn't go on and wanted to call it a day definitely (we had talked about this before). I said I was not going to contact Jane for the foreseeable future, but NOT desert her financially and give all of the backup and support I could without actual contact whilst I healed myself.

A few days later Jane took an overdose and was hospitalised. She was diagnosed with BPD a few days ago.

I still want time to heal. The thought of seeing her almost terrifies me right now. I feel like she is manipulating my loyalty and willingness to help but is that part of her illness?

Basically I feel like a CRAP right now but need some space.

Any ideas for the future? Do I just give up or is there a way that I can still show love and kindness to Jane without going completely mad myself?

Thanks for listening and any ideas gratefully received folks... .

[balletomane]

Hi Bikerman,

Now that Jane has been diagnosed with BPD hopefully she will be given some help. It's horrible, but often it is a suicide attempt that pushes the mental health service into arranging appropriate treatment or support.

You have realised that you need some distance in order to cope yourself. That's fine. I think you're setting some good boundaries. Jane needs professional help and community support, and even with all the budget cuts, there is stuff available. She could request a social worker now, as well as accessing therapy through the CMHT. Depending on where she lives, there are also therapeutic communities for people with BPD and other more intensive treatment options. But you can't go and set all this up for her. That's not helpful to her or to you. You need to trust that help is there if she chooses to reach out for it, and she needs to begin learning to help herself more proactively.

From the sounds of it, you might benefit from low contact rather than going no contact - perhaps arrange to check in with her every so often if that feels OK to you. In your position, due to the length of the relationship and the fact that large parts of it were honestly positive, that's how I would probably handle it. But I think we all know what's best for ourselves in our gut. You can't cure Jane or make everything perfect for Jane, but you can look after yourself while still being kind to her. If you need to go NC, that's fine - it's not as if you're burning her house down and telling her she's horrible. There are compassionate ways to step back.

[Bikerman]

Thanks for those thoughts balletomane. They have helped quite a lot.

Will go for little or no contact in the short term whilst I regroup and try and reflect on what to do.

Structured set boundaries seem a good idea too.

Will see how it goes and report back.

Thanks again.