So inexplicable it feels like a sudden death and I'm not ok...

[FannyB]

Hi Senra

You mentioned in an earlier post that you're a clinical social worker. Do you think it's possible that the 'professional' in you simply refuses to give up on your ex without a fight - even if it's to the detriment of you on a personal level?

I ask because I found it hard to give up on my ex without a fight as I really believed I could fix her problems - but on reflection, it really was more about me than her at that juncture.

Fanny

[Senra]

It has nothing to do w ME wanting to fix him, no.  I don't even feel like that about my clients.  I just lead horses to water so they can fix themselves.  BUT it is important to me to make sure I have done everything in my power to do just that, and then I let go of the outcome.  So w him, yes when this happened I have felt the need to communicate to him what I think had happened and why and to validate him and give him some guidance on what might be helpful to him now w him/us and that he could take it or leave it and I was leaving it up to him to contact me basically.  That's how I left it like a week-and-a-half ago and I'm planning on staying NC and just dealing w what I have to deal w on my end and to let go of the outcome.  Obviously this is very personal and a huge shock so I am invested in the outcome, but learning to let go of it anyway.

[Bigmd]

Senra, I was where you are at 4 months ago. My BPD exgf broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere. She did it over the phone and called me selfish and immature among other things but basically put the blame all on me. Mind you I treated her like a princess and would do anything for her. I couldn't believe what happened , those first few weeks were misery. I couldn't eat, no gym, and I called out of work. I couldn't wait to go to sleep so I could not think about it. A few weeks later I found out about BPD and realized she has most of the traits. Mainly her use of the silent treatment . She used it many times and I endured it and put up with her reasons for it. Now 4months out I look back and realize how poorly I was treated and how very one sided the relationship was. To the point I get angry. 2 months out I stupidly texted her and couldn't have been treated more coldly. She told me she doesn't even think about us anymore. How's that for giving her 6years of my life and ending my marriage for her. Efff that , then and there I knew I was done. Now i rarely think of her. I'm single and everyday gets better. You will see. The fog is real but once it lifts you will get better. Keep your head up .

[Senra]

I have been in that toxic hell you're describing, also, in a previous rs, but this was nothing at all like that to the point where I didn't even really recognize full BPD until after the fact, it was so insidious.  We virtually HAD no conflict.  When he texted me that he "didn't want to do it anymore" and I raced to his house in a panic he took me inside and sat down w me and held me while I cried and hyperventilated all night.  He took responsibility for it all.  It's hard to even be angry w him although I definitely am at times.  It is also hard not to be hopeful that perhaps he could do what he needed to do to make a rs work.  I know he probably hates himself right now if he is allowing himself to feel anything at all yet.  This isn't the typical BPD thing, I've been there and it was awful.  This obviously is too, and in an even worse way, but I feel like if he really wanted to he could do something abt this.  I KNOW he would not want this to be an ongoing pattern in his life (he's never done this to anyone before me in a rs like this).  I really hope for his sake that by staying away from him  it might help him find the peace and strength to do what he needs to do to be healthy and have what he wants in life.

[Lostinkitimat]

just a thought?

has he been diagnosed BPD? maybee he isnt maybee hes just hurt,broken,damaged,scared.

i know since i have left a BPD toxic relationship i have become hypervygilant i can see BPD in anything . sometimes i think when my two yr old is having a tantrum she is BPD . which is totally off base?

maybee your overly sensitive from your previous relationship? and hes just guarded or whatever?

[Senra]

No he's not diagnosed, and I'm actually qualified to diagnose w BPD and I really did not think he had anywhere near the full criteria set for the disorder, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me, the way he did this... so perhaps he does not indeed have enough for a full diagnosis but does have some similar reactivity... idk. It was just so abnormally abrupt what he did, like a different person...

I actually had received a bill for something that I decided that I am going to ask him to help me w since it's a fairly large amt and he's partly responsible for it as well, so I just sent him a message on the texting app we use and then an email (bc recently he had been ignoring my messages so I want to make sure he gets it).  Then I'm going to mail him a copy if I don't hear from him.  The him I know would just pay the whole thing for me w no question especially knowing that I've had trouble working and have gotten behind financially over the last few wks bc of this, but I'm not sure I know who this guy is that I'm dealing w now... :/  I actually think that this is a good thing for my healing bc truthfully if I do not hear from him then I'm really going to look at it as a sign that this is officially over, over, over... the rs that we had, anyway.  Anything that might come in the future would be completely different, nothing will ever be the same, but I couldn't hold out hope for it.  But this is truthfully what I've been yearning for is some sort of indication of if there is hope or not so I'm going to use this as my "sign".  I just decided this a little while ago and sent the messages and felt immediately really triggered and panicky but I powered through it thankfully since I've been working so hard on this stuff over the last few wks, and now I'm feeling better, esp w the idea that I'm going to use this as an indication for me to really let go, if I don't hear...

[shatra]

Fanny wrote

a lack of closure is a by-product of a BPD relationship. We literally have to get that for ourselves. I have a version of what transpired that I'm 100% happy with. Talking to my ex would only give me her version of things from her somewhat skewed perspective.  If your ex truly has BPD his actions are fairly easy to understand - albeit difficult for a non to process.

-----Yes, true. Why is the lack of closure so common with them?

-----"his actions are easy to understand"----do you mean that though they are different than us, we can "understand" them by looking at what they do in the framework of what typically a pwBPD does? In that sense, they are "understandable" because they do what a BPD often does?

[guy4caligirl]

I have a question for you Shatra ... .

Would you recycle if he wishes to ?

Looks like you want to and I don't blame you !

[Senra]

Do you mean me guy4caligirl? And I would definitely consider it after a conversation to assess where he was at and what he was willing to do to work on himself and if the resulting inevitable adjustments on my part would be realistic for me... there was more strength to our connection than toxicity, apart of course from this recent reactivity that was really unforeseen... I wouldn't be able to re-enter something without feeling reasonably confident that he could make progress in preventing something like this from happening again and that my part in that would be realistic like I said. We truly are exactly what each other were looking for as far as personal attributes etc... the sex was completely off-the-chain... everything just felt effortless really, until recently.

I think if I don't hear from him w these 2 messages I sent abt the bill I'm going to mail him a copy w a letter for closure for myself and perhaps for him too, idk. We'll see what happens. He hasn't even read my text yet although I know it's been delivered, but he's intentionally ignoring it clearly... whatever. It is what it is.

[guy4caligirl]

No ,it was for Shatra but I am happy to comment, in my opinion and as Skip always said NC for a minimum of six weeks .

It really works believe me !

[Senra]

Really works for... detaching?  Or recycling them?  Or both ?  I feel like I can't wait 6 wks for anything, I need to detach NOW.  I'm struggling right now w some feelings of anger bc I feel like he's ignoring my messages that I just sent to him abt this bill that I have, of course my first instinct is to feel as if this is another way to assault me emotionally... even though I realize what he's already done was not out of sadism, so why would I think that his ignoring is mean-spirited or an eff you to me... but that's how it feels, like his ignoring of me in general feels.  It also feels scary like, who is this person ignoring me, when I know how he "normally"  is abt money and if someone needs help he helps them and takes responsibility for things when he should.  It's another indication that the person I loved has morphed into this other, alien being, it feels like... but I feel like god, if I don't get a response should I should I not send him a copy in the mail w some sort of letter abt how I feel, or something... it just feels unacceptable to me to ignore me abt this, almost more unacceptable than the way he's handled the emotional/rs piece... like a really d*** move.  It's not like he doesn't have the money and truthfully he knows I haven't been able to work for awhile bc of this.  You'd think if he feels so guilty and shameful, which is the assumption, he would want to do something like that to help him alleviate those feelings and this is something that he could do... .grrrrrrr I'm so angry... .which then leads me to believe that if he isn't feeling guilty and shameful then I'm truly scared to know what he is feeling, maybe he is still dissociated and just in a cold unfeeling place still.  It would definitely be in keeping w someone who could text someone you wanted a life w that  you now "just don't want to do it anymore"... "I don't want to meet"... .grrrrrrrrrr... I guess him not answering me would mean he's prob still in that state.  But if he really still is in that state then why would he have bothered to go on and read my OTHER  messages last wk while he was still in that state when he wasn't reading them before?  Maybe he had a brief moment of feeling better but reading my messages ended up overwhelming him again... ... ehhhh who the eff knows... .

So if I don't hear from him then sending him the bill probably won't accomplish anything more, unless he's like blocked me from email and texting and I don't know it?  AHHHHHHHHHHHH so maybe I should just mail him a copy just to make sure bc I DO need help w it... .plus I can get some last words in to him before I detach myself... .

[Senra]

Like is he trying to be a d*** at this point, is that making it easier for him bc he figures I'll just give up out of anger and frustration and he won't have to keep dealing w me? Idek who that person is!

[Senra]

Ugh and now the sadness and grief setting in and I'm sitting here bawling. It feels like this infinite abyss of sadness pulling me down. I couldn't possibly even cry enough ever it feels like to express how sad I feel and how much I feel like I've lost or to "get it out of my system, the only way I can stop is to just distract myself bc I feel like I cld cry for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be enough...