Late Night Text from Ex-GF

[mrwigand]

So, it's been a couple of days since running into my ex and her boyfriend. Obviously, it wasn't fun and I didn't think i could handle it in that moment. But I was nice and made an effort to say some kind words to my ex before I had to leave.

I guess I didn't sell it particularly well because literally at midnight tonight my dBPDexgf texted me: "Hey, this is probably a weird question to get so late in the night but this has been on my mind a lot. Were you weirded out by my presence at that party?"

Ugh, we're on good terms, but I don't love receiving texts like this. It's put me back into a cycle of thinking from that relationship, and that's not good for me. Also, I feel like what good does that text accomplish? What if I was weirded out? Wouldn't it be better to give me my space and respect my decision to deal with whatever on my own, especially since I wasn't trying to involve her in anything (and especially since the last time we spoke in depth I told her I would need A LOT of space)

Anyway, I told her everything was absolutely cool, and I wasn't weirded out. I told her I hoped I didn't make her feel uncomfortable, and she said, "Nah, you didn't... .I guess I was just slightly paranoid."

I just don't think it's appropriate for me to tell her anymore things about how I feel regarding her and the relationship. We've been broken up for months, and dealing with my feelings (including if I was uncomfortable seeing her at a party) that's on me - not her.

[Panda39]

I think your answer was fine. 

My question is did you even need to respond at all? 

Ugh, we're on good terms, but I don't love receiving texts like this. It's put me back into a cycle of thinking from that relationship, and that's not good for me. Also, I feel like what good does that text accomplish? 

Exactly, if this type of text isn't good for you and makes you uncomfortable then don't respond.  You get nothing out of engaging in this so next time don't.

Trust your gut reactions and act accordingly your instincts are good... .your gut was right in this situation but you responded anyway.  If this happens again take a moment to analyze the text and think about if you need to respond or not.  Everything does not require a response and everything doesn't require an "instant" response... .just take your time and think it through. 

Panda39

[shatra]

It sounds as though you weren't totally honest in your reply---in fact you were uncomfortable about seeing her with him.

You wrote---

I just don't think it's appropriate for me to tell her anymore things about how I feel regarding her and the relationship. We've been broken up for months, and dealing with my feelings (including if I was uncomfortable seeing her at a party) that's on me - not her.

----You're being considerate of her. If I felt that way I would want to tell the person about it, no matter how many months post-breakup.  Why is it not appropriate to tell her?  Some people discuss it years after the ending.  Also, she is directly asking you how you feel.

[mrwigand]

It sounds as though you weren't totally honest in your reply---in fact you were uncomfortable about seeing her with him.

You wrote---

I just don't think it's appropriate for me to tell her anymore things about how I feel regarding her and the relationship. We've been broken up for months, and dealing with my feelings (including if I was uncomfortable seeing her at a party) that's on me - not her.

----You're being considerate of her. If I felt that way I would want to tell the person about it, no matter how many months post-breakup.  Why is it not appropriate to tell her?  Some people discuss it years after the ending.  Also, she is directly asking you how you feel.

No, you're right. I wasn't being honest with her. Should I have been?

[Wu-tang]

Personally, I think your reply was fine.  If it was me I wouldn't want to give her the ego boost of knowing you still hurt because of her.  That's just me though.

[shatra]

I wasn't honest with her Should I have been?

---Well, what outcome do u think might happen if you are honest with her?  No matter that it's been awhhile since the breakup, would it help you feel better to tell her how you felt seeing her with the new person?

---She asked how you felt seeing them together.

Is this concern on her part?

Is she testing the waters and looking to see if you still care?

Would it give her a thrill to know it bothers you and she wants you to be jealous?

Other possibilities re: why she is asking?


What are the pros and cons of being honest with her?

[mrwigand]

I wasn't honest with her Should I have been?

---Well, what outcome do u think might happen if you are honest with her?  No matter that it's been awhhile since the breakup, would it help you feel better to tell her how you felt seeing her with the new person?

---She asked how you felt seeing them together.

Is this concern on her part?

Is she testing the waters and looking to see if you still care?

Would it give her a thrill to know it bothers you and she wants you to be jealous?

Other possibilities re: why she is asking?


What are the pros and cons of being honest with her?

Maybe this is overly sensitive, but I feel like it's borderline inappropriate for her to bring this subject up. The last time we spoke in depth I told her I still had very strong feelings and would need A LOT of space. This was following an incident when she went out of her way to show me pictures of her and this boyfriend when I had just met with her to get paid back. I made it clear that that kind of stuff made me uncomfortable, so I feel like her prodding me after this party where I ran into her and boyfriend is not exactly respectful or sensitive to my boundaries.

I feel like she is prodding me to see if she still has that power over me. Why is it important for her to know if I was uncomfortable? Just so she could know that yes, I still have feelings I'm dealing with and I might not want to hang with her and her boyfriend. It feels like she's picking at me rather than being concerned. That's the truth of how I feel about it.

[enlighten me]

Something I have read is that pwBPD do not like it if they mean nothing to you.

My exgf once said she didn't like it that I hated my ex wife as it meant I still had feelings for her. It seems that positive or negative feelings are preferable to you not feeling anything at all.

Maybe if she is poking at you it is because she would rather have you hate her than feel nothing for her as at least that means you still think about her and because you think about her she still means something to you. She is not disposable and insignificant.

[OnceConfused]

you were ok by just simply said what you said and moved on. There is no need to dwell on how you felt with her.  Leave the old scab alone, no need to pick on it so it can bleed again.

[Circle]

I too agree that you said the right thing. You acknowledged her by answering her question, which is more than you are really required to do in the first place.

I've been tuned into an aspect of borderline behavior recently. Perhaps you haven't thought about this, since you've been out of your relationship for a while. It is well documented from people's experience with borderlines on this website. P/wBPD seek to find your weaknesses in order to manipulate. Just a reminder, since you seem to have been off the boards for a while.

I think you reacted great!