Finding a therapist

[teapay]

I'm hoping to find a new therapist for myself.  I served active duty Army from 2002 to 2013.  After I was out about a year I began having some difficulty related to my service time and started receiving couseling at a nearby VA.  It was no cost and was pretty effective for me, but it turned out that alot of my distress was also compounded by trying to cope with my BPD wife who has been struggling through our 12 years of marriage.  The last 6 or 7 years has been pretty bad and I'm getting really tired of it.  The VA has been supportive of continuing to treat me but this is veering outside their mission and my initial reason for seeking care with them.  As I look for a new T in the generally community I'm wondering what might be best.  Would finding a T with strong knowledge of BPD be paramount or not really important?  I've felt like alot of T don't get BPD and have pretty much just read "walking on eggshells" or did took a few hour workshop for a ceu. I'm kind of leaning towards a family T who has worked with families where a serious mental illness is present.  Just coping with the W can be draining, but I feel somewhat more sure in that area of what I can do.  I'm more at a loss on how to parent my kids and keep them on track in this environment with all the instability and poor models of behavior.  The spector of my wife killing herself is always present and there is an increasing probably that the marriage will dissolve and I'm trying to think on how to parent through that stuff.  Any others experience?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inquisitive1]

For individual help in dealing with my dBPDw, I've found this board more helpful than an individual therapist. Then again, I really like writing. I agree with your idea of finding a family therapist. The hard part will be finding a really good one who can deal with your situation.

Has your wife been diagnosed with BPD, that's useful info for a therapist to have.

I often wish I'd left my wife when my kids were smaller and she was drinking out of control. That mixed with her BPD created a bad situation. At the time, I was overwhelmed dealing with the crazy day-to-day... .Ah well. Now the kids are mostly grown, she doesn't drink anymore and things have settled down.

I advise you to figure out your boundary for leaving your wife. I did that, set a real boundary for myself about leaving if she didn't stop drinking, and told her about it. Only after this did she stop drinking. 

[EaglesJuju]

Hi teapay,

Finding a therapist who knows about BPD does help. I originally sought a psychologist for my own FOO issues and anxiety. It just happened that he was familiar with BPD and understood how the disorder can affect others.

Therapists have their areas of expertise usually on their website or reviews. I think what to look for depends on what your needs are. Psychologists tend to have more experience with BPD.  

If you are having concerns with parenting, a therapist who has worked with families where mental illness is present seems like a good fit.  

Ultimately therapy as about you and what you want to work on. What specific things are affecting you the most?

[ChangingOfTides]

On my end, i find it very helpfull that my therapist is using the same therapy tool that is used in my BPD wifes therapy.

Its Schema Therapy, and it gives a good idea of how our various schema modes tend to enmesh or clash, and how in a way we both have been acting as co-dependants towards eachother.

Since BPD ussually originates from bad parenting or abuse by a parental figure, its the goal of schema therapy to re-parent the patient, correct the abusive imagery from the past with the therapist filling in what actually should have been the correct parent role. Although i didnt exactly have the horrible narcistic and sadistic parents my wife had, they where emotionally unavailable too, and the early death of my mother created some abandonment issues as well. so i have a subset of the harm that pwBPD have been going through as well.

And that is interesting to see how this all plays out in the relationship dynamic, when you can view it from a therapy model like Schema therapy... .

[teapay]

Sites like these are very helpful. I know for me having a T helps in just having face time with someone to talk to and share this stuff with.  I'm struggling more with the general family issues and am definitely leaning towards a family T with experience with families deal with MI.  I live in a relatively rural location, so choice can be limited.

The kids complicate things.  If it was just dealing with the W alone I could probably manage it better or just leave.  Without the kids, though, i can't imagine I'd stay.   I feel like I need help helping my kids navigate the environment they growing up in or how to handle it my W and I split or if she bumps herself off.